Grams

I came home tonight, to find my grandma on the couch, which is unusual as she is the busiest 80 year old out there. Did you know she biked from California to Florida, when she was 75? Yep. I know pretty lucky. So as you would assume, I wasn't expecting her to be home on a Friday night.

We spent the time watching the sunset. And talking about my crazy family. I haven't had someone listen to me rant and vent. I told her about my blog and she kept wanting me to read more and more entries. It made me feel so grand that someone wanted to listen to the things that have been written from my heart. I wouldn't want to listen to someone read a ton of entries from the journal or blog, but she did, and that meant a lot to me.

I sit here upstairs listening to the beach, the waves. I am so blessed to have what I have, to be able to experience and be able to come up here. My heart hurts though. Hurts for my family that is so desperately falling apart. I haven't found that person that has been able to understand everything, but my grandma has been the ONLY person that was so interested in what I was feeling. I never saw her as someone that would sit there and listen to me vent, but she did, and it meant the world to me and made me realize that I have so much pain and hurt that no one has truly wanted to hear.

But this is a picture of my amazing spunky grandma. She is so awesome and I strive to live an exciting life like her. If I could have just a small portion of her that lives on in me, I would be the proudest granddaughter alive.

No does not mean Maybe

Do you know what the word NO means?

It doesn't mean maybe or keep asking until you get a different answer, it means NO I will not do what you are wanting me to do so please, shut the .... well, you get the picture.

I sit at the nail shop and I get asked if I want a super-de-dooper nail enhancer that will save my nails from the harsh sun, or if I want my eyebrows waxed (is that a sign that I do need them waxed?), or something else that I have to ask them to repeat what they just said because I can't speak chinese. 

Or your significant other. No I am not feeling it tonight babe. (kisses you) Babe, really I am tired. (tries to make gross moaning sounds in your ear) stop it. (keeps doing it) COME ON, did you NOT get the NO which was the first word that came out of my mouth???? 

I understand saying no may be hard for some. I have a hard time saying no to cookie dough, or pizza, or a sale in any store. I can understand where people have confusion and usually give in. But in all seriousness, if the person you are with can't accept your boundaries and your NO, then in my opinion, that should be a big sign for you, NO, NO, NO! 

But my breadsticks just asked if they wanted to be eaten and well, and I still haven't been able to say NO to them...not quite yet. 

Vacation

Vacation.
What does vacation mean to you?
I thought vacation meant total bliss, total relaxation away from the stress of work, boys, and all the other bologna.
not.
Right when I get into my destination, they say there was only some baggage (6 to be exact) that made it onto the plane. Mine hadn't come out yet, but mine was one of the 6 and since I didn't see it freaked out. Found it. Made it home and found out that my dog is so stressed she ran away, pissed herself and wouldn't eat or drink. Cool. Anyone that knows how much my dog means to me understands my dogs come before everything and anyone. Then family drama comes pouring in. Father and I get in a disagreement, brother's doing ANYTHING for some spare change, and mother can't handle any of it. Lovely how I step right in the pile of dog poop.

But I am on vacation, where everything should look like this:

and not like this

Day 5 of 14 days. How am I going to stay sane when all I miss is Lilly, and want to run away from my parents? So I took myself out of the cat situation above and did the following:

Stuck up for myself. Ding Ding :)

Moved all my crap to my grandma's where I know get to listen to the beach and feel the breeze.

Got delicious, too many calories to think about, breadsticks that are to die for and ate most of them (saving the rest for later)

And internet that is fast, and a blog that I can complain to and no one says anything back... right away.

So even though I will stress about my dog after I finish and find some more dog poop on my other shoe, I am going to go finish those other breadsticks and watch the amazing view out my window. vacation anyone?!?

List of what White people Like

Took ten minutes to get my internet up and running, or at least to this point, and still haven't figured out what to write. I could write about a stupid boy, or something of the sort, but what fun is that for the reader to write about something they have heard over and over again.

I decided to browse good ol Google for ideas on what to write. I typed in 'Fun things to write for a blog' and what popped up? Full List of Stuff White People Like. And mind you this was on the top of the list of the search. Of course I clicked on it. I went to the full list of what us white folk like trying to figure out what kind of person would make a list. Could he be white? Asian? Black? You decipher for yourself.

-Obama (all types of races like him, not me though)
-Having Gay Friends/Black Friends
-Ugly Sweater Parties
-Being Offended
-Standing Still at Concerts
-Being an expert at YOUR culture
-Coffee
-Having 2 last names

That was just a few from the list of 134. So who do you think made this? Go here and figure out yourself, it reminds me of Clue.

Technology

Wow, you know how much I take internet for granted. Not necessarily internet but FAST internet. The internet that doesn't take as slow as a slug walking. I would take internet right now that would be a slug running but Michigan doesn't have that kind of service so I am stuck.

Remember the ghetto phones that were huge? The ones that were bigger then our house phones now? Yeah me too. Even though I was too young to have them they were the coolest things. I didn't get a phone until I was 16, I think, maybe 17. I know, I know, kids now have them when they are 5 and I got mine when I was 16?! Rebel child right here. Now kids carry them around and I see little girls being bigger divas then the women on The View. I hear them say
   OH my god I know (giggle giggle)
   I will ask my mom if we can have a sleep-over.

BLAH BLAH. I remember having the house phone, where if someone wanted to talk there was only one phone in the entire house. My parents raised me well, so if someone called I would say "hello this is Natalie" so they knew what kid I was I guess. How about when a boy called? You would be on the phone flirting away and giggling and then your mother would get on:
   Natalie dinner is ready
   me:  MOM!!!!!! OKAY, I am on the PHONEEE.
   Who is it? (my mom in her wondering cutesie tone of voice) Hello?

Then the poor boy who was probably talking about stuff that he wouldn't say to my mom in front of her face and is wondering if she had been ease-dropping on the conversation says
   Its so-and-so Ms. Carleton.

And my mother would butt in on MY conversation, with MY boy crush and ask embarrassing questions.

I really think a teenager who was annoyed with ease-dropping invented the cell phone. Thank the heavens for them. It is truly amazing at how technology has come. I imagine when I have kids they will have invented something that makes me lose more and more connection with the kiddos.

Secrets to Survive.

I hate what I am doing to me. Lilly runs under the bed and wont come near me. Lucy stares confused. I hate myself for it, but do it for the finish line, or what I think is.

Yes I feel sometimes secrets are needed to survive. Makes you know that not everybody "knows" what you have been through or thinks they understand. If they dont know this secret then they wont be able to. 

"sometimes its better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is yourself"

Few, or more, of my favorite things...

The feel of clean sheets and clean body mixed together.

The smell of rain in Arizona (its sweet smell is amazing).

Full tank of gas minus the amount it took to fill up.

When a child that has had no true love for most of his life tells you 'I love you'.

Lilacs.

Funny pictures of random things that make you laugh, even if its by yourself.

Water when you are super thirsty.

Peeing after you've had to go and been holding it in for a very long time.

Mom.

When your face is clear for more then a couple of days.

When you have money in your bank account and can spend some of it.

Christmas lights, music, and anything to do with Christmastime.

Bubble baths.

The way goose-bumps form when you stand in the sun after being indoors.

Feeling pretty, even if its just for a minute.

Born to Change...

You were born because you are going to be important to someone.

Whether or not it be tomorrow, or months away, somebody is going to be affected by your amazing-ness, your wonderful-ness. Someone's life is going to be changed in a great way because you are simply YOU. I am sure of this for me and for you :))

How to Fail at Dieting

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

How many people have started a diet and then within an hour have failed miserably and back at the delicious tempting food? Me. And probably you.

I see this:

And then I see this:

And the answer is clear from there. Unless there is something mentally wrong with you, or if your a vegetarian, or just ate the picture above and now your stuffed and can't even look at it, then I will let you slide. But come on to all the other freaks. Doesn't this look simply mouth-watering? I just ate and could still find some room in my stomach for a piece... or two. 

Dieting. Oh lordy. Where to even begin? I know a majority of ladies out there want to have a better looking body. I know I do, but why would God create people that invented delicious food be put on this earth for us not to enjoy their creations? 

I attempted to eat healthy trust me. I heard that tofu was full of protein and that when you mix it with something it absorbs all of the flavor and you can't even taste the tofu. I also saw that if you want to have healthy oil for cooking use coconut oil instead of olive oil.  So I was convinced. I went to the store to get ingredients to make tofu smoothies and get coconut oil for cooking. I bought 30 dollars worth of healthiness only to realize tofu tastes like an inside of a pumpkin and that coconut oil gets hotter then normal oil and tastes gross burnt. 

So exercise is important to so I heard. I haven't run in 4 days. I got motivation and have done well, for a couple of weeks. My dog, Lucy, is fat and lazy (cough, wonder where she got that from) and has now hated to run with me. When she runs with me, she lags behind and looks pathetic and gives those puppy eyes. Getting ready to run I start walking down the steps to the trails outside and she already knows what's coming. She gives me the "hell naw" look and sits her nice fat booty on the top step and doesn't budge. She has now become my best excuse not to run. 

So I found a fact that I guess I am gonna have to resort to because I love pizza too much and my dog is too fat to run:

:)

This is how the story begins..

This is how the story begins...

I look at the picture above and try to think of what those letters contain. Are the love letters? letters to a daughter or son? or maybe letters that one wanted to send to a lover that they never could get themselves to do.

Letters are still better then a phone call, email or facebook. When you get a letter in the mail its like a little present. Someone thought of you enough to go out and buy a card or sit down to write you a note. Someone thought of just YOU, no one else. 

These days I look in my mailbox and find the boring typed bills that are wanting money or an incentive to give a company money, but when you see a handwritten envelope with your name on it, you do a little dance, at least I do. It makes you feel special and kept in view of someone. Its an unexpected goodie. 

I need to send more letters, let the people that I think of know that they are special to me and that they deserve to be able to do a dance and not always hate going to the mailbox for more bills. 

How not to act Old..

I was trying to find something to write about. I was looking on Google and you know how on the side where all the ads are there are these weird crazy pictures trying to sell you something? Well there was something that said along the lines of 'How not to act old'. I got to thinking.

FASHION:
My dad was taking my sister and I out to dinner. As we were standing waiting for him to get ready, he was putting sandals on, with you know what.... SOCKS. Of course if it hadn't been for the fashionista's that my sister and I were, he would of walked right out of the house sporting that look. I would also mention the fact that he can't match navy and black, but I even know that can sometimes be challenging.

My mother, oh my mother.  I love her to pieces, but some of the things that woman wears, only someone with that kind of confidence can pull it off. My sister had gone to goodwill and HUNTED for an ugly sweater for a Christmas party. She found one that wasn't hideous but she knew she could make it look more repulsive and make it the talk of the party. Well she bought buttons, ribbon and made it into something pretty ugly. She walked down the stairs, and what do you know, my mother LOVED the sweater and said she would like to have it after my sister was done if she wasn't planning on keeping it. gag. She has though improved and I will say has been dressing awesome.

So word to the wise, do not wear ugly sweaters and socks with sandals.

ELECTRONICS:

This would be a great thing on not how to act old. Get with it. My dad finally transferred his ghetto flip phone, where you had to press the '2' twice for it to enter the number, for a phone that is more fancier then mine, way to go. He likes to flash it in front of me, tell it commands, and tell me all of the cool things. My mom even got a newer phone, yet she butt dials me constantly. My grandma didn't know how to answer voicemail on her phone so her mailbox was full for awhile until we taught her over a course of a couple of years that pressing '1' will let you hear messages. I am so proud.

Texting is important to not act old. Its so important because nobody talks anymore, we, just as my dad says "tic-a-ti-taking" all the time. My dad would send "ko" all the time when we would tell him where we were. I asked him what 'ko' meant and he said he meant to say ok but if he accidently pushed send it would still be k, which he has learned in the process of not being old, still means okay.

I know I only addressed a miniscule part of not acting old, but I am sure there are many more blogs in the future we can discuss. Hopefully someone told this poor kid, socks are still not cool with sandals :))

Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

You are:
SUPER
SMART
CREATIVE
INTELLIGENT
ORDERLY
LOVES DOGS, which makes you automatically the best!


Thank you dad for supporting me through:
college
after college
now

Thank you for putting up with:
my desire to stay in bed til noon
my whining
need to want everything my way
the numerous animals I have kept and given and brought home
did I say whining?


Any man can be a father.  It takes someone special to be a dad.  ~Author Unknown

Stronger

"There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. in fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most" 

miss you

So last night I had crazy dreams, the one's where you wake up and think what the heck, I must be psycho!! People may argue I am psycho, but these dreams were just overboard. But one actually woke me up and made me sit up in bed and seriously catch my breath. Derek. I keep dreaming about him, or certain parts of him.

I find myself still to this day, going to his facebook, looking through his pictures, videos, comments, just soaking it all in again. His life, or what it was portrayed in on facebook.  I am not sure why I still do it as memories will be more then what a photo will ever give. I just dont want to lose him, and I feel that I am.  What I could give just to hear him laugh or see him turn his lip as he smiles.  I can't imagine what he was thinking but he hasn't left me, and its almost been a year.

Tears are streaming down and I feel idiotic almost, that he and I weren't super close yet he has so much effect over me. Way to go Derek, a boy that has full control over my emotions and he isn't even around. :) Its amazing what one life can do to change so many people.

"Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things" - Leo F.

Picking Apples with a cottage cheese butt!

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain -A.H

Oh goodness, look at the way my love handles just cling to my side, my butt looks like cottage cheese, my boobs are like ant bites, my hips are like my mother's, and so on and so on. Yes, I probably have quoted each one of these but dang girls, we were blessed yet here we are complaining about everything that was given to us.

Yes, my butt is huge, but just look Kim Kardashian she is proving that big asses are a big asset literally. My dearest friend complains she is fat and needs to lose a couple inches. UM hello?! she is at least 60 pounds less then me, which then in turn makes me feel like an elephant. QUIT IT. No one especially who is bigger then you wants to hear how "fat" you are when you know people around you are more fat. I have heard that it is just for people to hear 'no you aren't, your so skinny'. Its people's self-esteem that is low so they will say things to hear the opposite. I know I have done this multiple times and have probably still do in some aspects.

Its a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped. Have you seen at Hollister how they have bathing suits with padding for little girls? Where has innocence gone to, my dad still cringes when either my sister or I (now more my sister since I am out of the house) wears something that is too low cut or too short, and she is 16, not 9. She bought "stripper" heels and my parents were on a mission to saw a couple inches off. I would bring a short skirt to school and change so I knew the boys would be looking. How sad I wanted to be noticed more for my hottness then ME. I dont know how to stop it since the boys' will always be boys. Even grown men like to see boobs and all the fake-something-or-other. I worked at a strip club (not doing the poles) but as a waitress and there were old men that probably couldn't get it up, and were drooling so much I had to go by and offer more napkins to slop it up. So until everyone changes especially those men haha, we are all gonna be comparing ourselves to the magazine or even the girl next to us. But I am gonna look dam good, with huge hips, huge butt, and love handles that have enough loving for you and me, while picking apples off a tree. BAM!

I can't sleep but I will take my chances...

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
 
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?


So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name


Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart. "


I want to be close to him, I want to feel his face, I want to know that if I have no one I have him, I am stubborn, selfish and insecure, and wont let myself let him do the work. How does one let go and let God? I am ready for that so I can have everlasting love, so I know that love is real and lasts forever. I see him everyday, asking me, whispering to me, 'come closer to me' and yet I am determined to live my life my way thinking I have gotten through my past by myself so why not continue? Yet I continue to fall, stumble over little rocks that I could easily walk over if he was holding my hand. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, because I am ready for you to hold my heart <3

Keeping True to YOU

Have you ever just had a shitty couple days where you swear that if you had enough money you would hop on the first plane to somewhere and never return, or until the people/situation left or decided to leave you alone? Yep, that was so me this weekend. If this weekend, one of my only free weekends I have had in months, had to be horrible, the weekend gods had to chose this one.

I am not really going into details because not only would that make me stoop down to their level, but what's the point of really living each day that sucked over and over? I will admit I let those kind of things get me down over and over, but I am just trying to let it slide and move the (excuse my language) fuck over it. I have been told, pick the things out of the advice that were told to you that will help you grow, and let the rest slide away. I re-read "advice" that was truly bitchy and mean to me and tried to get over the mean side and see if what was said true, any part of it. Yes some was true. I ditched a lot in high-school because I had a boyfriend that I wasn't allowed to see, so if I had the time I saw him. I shouldn't have ditched friends over a boy, but I did, and that was the past, and I have really grown and do put my friends before guys now. Knowing that it did hurt her feelings that she felt I didn't put enough time into her, made me realize that her needs weren't being met. Mine weren't either though, and even though you do need to meet other's needs, yours should be more important. Ending the 'friendship' was her need, and even though it may have been childish in my view, it was her need that she needed to meet, and I need to be okay with that.

I have found that no matter how much it hurts other people, you will hurt yourself more if you dont satisfy your need of happiness. I have seen it effect more people then I would like to tell. In boarding school and much of highschool I tried to please everyone. In boarding school this girl basically told me she hated me because I was so much of a goody-two-shoes and pleased everyone. Of course the pleaser in me started bawling and finally realized I took other people's happiness over mine. It took a good while, and I am finding now that I have lost a lot of people because I tried to meet every whim and need, but I have gained many friends and true one's that respect and challenge me. I am not saying that I shouldn't be respectful and flexible and say "no bitch I ain't doing it because I dont want to" but if its something that is really swaying me not to do, that I shouldn't feel bad for saying "sorry I dont think so". So hopefully my next weekend off, I wont feel the need to fly off to anywhere. But if I do get a free ticket I wont be giving it up :))

good egg

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -Meltzer

Bailing

My body has been fighting sleep all day. I am awake, at 1 am, and can't sleep. Maybe because I am supposed to be in bed with my boyfriend, or at the wedding, or downtown, all that I should have gone to, yet here I am wide awake writing to you.

Bailing, Change of Plans, or any other form of not doing something when you said you would is what I have done. I honestly have the best intentions, and when I do go I have the best of time, but I often regret that I didn't do something. Take tonight, I was invited downtown, granted the past few pictures albums on facebook that pop up are something I am glad I didn't partake in or was around, but still could have made it fun. I could have gone to the wedding if I had found someone to watch my dogs, yet I found the easier route and deep down needed time for me and was feeling stressed. Then I say I will go to the boyfriends and didn't do that.

I could make up excuses that everyone who ever bails says. I dont know if I am pushing myself to hard to meet every expectations or I am just really fucked up, which I think is the latter. I am reading a book and in it it says that a person will do better if they can. I am not going to let this excuse from a book be the reason behind it, but I feel people do certain things because they just dont know how to do better. I dont even know where I am going with this. I dont understand why I do the things I do, and I wish I could find the root cause so I can fix it. I dont like what I did tonight, bailed on 3 things that could have all been fun. But now I feel like shit and the day hasn't even started. sigh.

be careful

You know it takes a long time for a girl to fall in love with a guy, like really fall for him, like Love and Care, and once you break her heart, she crumbles down, then the next guy she dates, she’s gonna be more carfeul, she’s gonna more jealous, she’s gonna be more insecure, cause she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Taking Time for YOU!

Hello there blog! My oh my it has been awhile. I find that I enjoy tumblr so much more then you (no offense) because I can post as much shit as I want and people enjoy it, whereas if I bitch about how I feel, one might not read as much. So its a toss up. But I thought I would grace my presence since I know you have missed me.

I am waiting for my ambien to settle in. Worked last night. I feel like I do my job quite well yet sometimes I feel like I dont. I have a person saying well so and so, and deep down you know they are a total bitch and no one even likes them, but it still sinks in that maybe you need to fix something. Especially when you try and fix something and make it better and then realize that the problem you were trying to fix comes back.

ANWAY, enough of my moaning and complaining. I am not sure what to write about today. I miss a certain someone that smells and he might hate me saying this but homemade applesauce haha. He has this air freshner all over his house that is apple and cinnamon and so of course it smells like applesauce to me. And I love it. It makes me want to get chunky applesauce and put it in the microwave like my grandma does while making summer dinners. mMm. Its a comforting smell that I just can't get enough of.

He is really sweet, and comes over all the time, even when he has work. I am such a you-know-what for never going over there. I wish I didn't like sleep so much. Its so hard working with draining kids all night and then knowing you have to do it all over again. If I dont sleep, I dont function, and its hard for me to sleep with someone right next to me (because I never have gotten used to it with anyone, let alone my dogs). I was rushed to get out because, sleep is so important, and I told a kid I would play JENGA before I left, so I rushed in there saying okay lets play and he said

Natalie I dont like to rush while playing a game, can you calm down and take 3 deep breaths with me and play? Just calm down old granny

WHOA, from a nine year old? So I sat there dumbfounded as I took three deep breaths. I realized that I am so in go mode that I dont take the time to really enjoy my time, especially with a kid that needs just that, my time.

So boyfriend, I am going to make time for you, even if I am busy and rushing. You deserve that and I hope you know that. xoxo

Christmas.... in JUNE!

I have been following a blog, that has many wonderful quotes, and wonderful pictures. I have often reblogged them through my tumblr and find myself spending hours soaking up my time in the wonder. Well I got myself all the way to Christmas and she had awesome pictures of Christmas, lights, snow, trees, and quotes about snowflakes. As anybody would know, Christmas time is my most favorite time of the year. You bet your bottom I go all out on Christmas, and can't wait until Thanksgiving is over to start spreading the Christmas cheer. I decorate top to bottom, even buy scents to fill my house. I love it so much I plan to have some type of lights in my house all year round. Not the ones that are huge multi-colored that have dust on them and are up all year round because someone was too lazy to get them down (I see a lot of this in Michigan), but I want to get the pretty white lights and hang them outside on my veranda. Just the white pristine lights get me every time.

I want to get a dog like this so I can take pictures. I want to have a house covered in snow, where in the day time the tree is lit and you can smell the pine, and at night being able to see your house twinkle and makes you feel warm and happy to be indoors. I want to wear bright colored mittens and enjoy my hot coffee more then I do in the heat in Texas. I want to have a fire burning where the smell makes you want to grab a soft blanket and cuddle on the couch and listen to some Nat King Cole and Andy Williams. Snow angels and seeing my dogs bound in the snow getting snowflakes on their dark noses. Where a warm shower makes your toes burn because you were so cold playing out in the snow building forts and making snowmen. Where the smell of sugar cookies and laughter surround the air. Knowing that even though santa may just be my dad and his cracking of his toes as he puts together a bike or something from IKEA but still wanting to 'catch' Santa and being able to feel like a kid. 

I long for Christmas, every day. I get excited like a kid and I want it to come soon, but hate when it leaves. So even though my roommate hates listening to Christmas music unless its December, I think I am going to bring a little spirit out and get giddy thinking that its only months away :)) dont laugh, I know you want it too!

BRING IT

I dont know how long ago it was since I was in a relationship, not that long ago, but I am in one now. Do I see a marriage or all of that no, but I am enjoying NOW, and who cares how fast people think I am taking things. All that matters is that I am living my life to the fullest. I am going to live happy, whether that is dating many guys or being a cat woman. My heart is the best thing god gave me, to love and to give, so why not do all. I am lucky I get to experience so many things, if that is experiencing men so be it, but more so on the line of experiencing life. I am so ready to go out there and change the world. BRING IT :)

this little guy knows how to try and experience life 

loves you

“If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.” -Malla

Traveling...

“Traveling is like flirting with life. It’s like saying, ‘I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.’”  Lisa St. Aubin de Terán

I am ready to go change the world <3

Guard your Heart...

I was laying in bed last night, and felt completely alone. Even with someone next to me, my heart hurt. The past two guys, I will not mention names, I thought were utterly amazing in their own ways. The first one has known my true self, knew me on a vulnerable side through Boarding School. The other I knew since high-school who knew the flirty fun spunky natalie. Both "loved" me, both left me and haven't heard from either of them since. How is it that a person can make not talking to you so easy. I have no love feelings towards them, but I am hurt that if someone would love you so much and want to marry you how easy they make leaving be. 

In my bible, it says in the back, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life".  I have not found out how to truly guard my heart. I feel when you are meant to love and change people's lives which I know I have done, it is hard to put a guard up on something God meant for you too put out. I do understand that to guard my heart emotionally against boys that God doesn't want for me in the first part is what guarding your heart should be, I just haven't figured out how to.

The roommate and I were talking about my "list". The numbers keep on adding up, and the connection between them keep dwindling. I used to be the girl who thought love was supposed to be with someone you love. Well love turned into lust which eventually turned into sex. Nothing special, nothing worth keeping close to your heart, and my heart keeps breaking as the numbers get higher. I believe since my self-esteem has gotten lower, I settle. As my friend said I shouldn't yet I see herself settling for someone that doesn't want to be committed to her. 

Why do we settle? Why dont us beautiful women of God understand we sparkle in God's eyes? I know he see's everyone of us little girl's of his as sparkling diamonds that should be treasured. I want to hold God's hand, and have some wonderful man of God hold my other. That is what I really look forward to.

Motivation... I dont have

Motivation. How does one maintain it? Because I sure as hell dont have it. When I am laying in bed knowing that I need to run, I have all the motivation I need, but when my feet hit the floor, I lose all of it in an instant.

I have motivation to eat, sleep, shop, watch tv, and oh yes, stalk people on facebook. I am particularly the best at the last one, because I can eat, watch tv and technically shop too, all while seeing who my ex is dating now <--- I know I am not the only one here.

How do I get motivation for the important stuff though, like running, going to work, cleaning and such? Running has been a drag, because an overweight sweaty blonde chick does not look so hot sweating EVERYWHERE, and breathing like a race horse. I have YET to find one that does. And working? Yes, I dont hate it, but everyone that knows me, knows I would rather be doing the things I have motivation for rather then thinking about the chaos that may happen at work.

EXERCISE: My father says, "It just takes getting into a schedule and having dedication". He is saying this while he is eating a piece of cake while his metabolism has already taken care of the cake before it hits his mouth. Lucky son of a.... My mom says that "Just eat an egg in the morning, and a yogurt for lunch". She is saying this as this is her second day with it, after taking a "break" of eating whatever she wants. I want something that works. So what I am trying to do is eat 900 calories of whatever the hell I want and running. <--- yes I still look like a pig in 93 degree weather.

WORK: Finding something I am passionate about is what I heard leads to someone wanting to go to work everyday. In this economy its a little harder, but hopefully God will provide. And come on, doesn't everyone complain about going to work?

BUT if anybody has a pill that motivates for running and doing the important things, PLEASE hit me up :)

sweet dreams bloggers.

I have thought numerous times, how nice it would be to fly. Not exactly like Buzz, but flying. I want to at least fly in my dreams, and that has yet to happen, so wishful thinking right?

I just got off of working 2-10 pm, while having a small break from working overnight last night. I thought I was going to be way more tired, and WAY more grumpy, but my tired-ness is only hitting me right now. I work tomorrow night and then have a couple of days off. 

Can you tell I am just talking a bunch of random crap? yes so can I, so I am going to sign off a little early, so not to bore you. sweet dreams bloggers.

Oxygen...

I thought maybe it would have lasted. I thought if I had put my energy and time, that I would find more in common and that my heart would love him, eventually. I was wrong. Even if you have something in common, it doesn't make out for the fact that you just might not be right for each other. 

What was the deal? Was I just not attracted? Was I just in a long phase that I was hoping I would get over? I have no earthly idea, but it wasn't right. I tried and tried. He was everything I needed in somebody, but it wasn't what I needed. I find that a lot of my girlfriends would bitch about that their boyfriend at the time would be such an ass and not treat them right. This was me too, and I often would get comforted and comfort because our hearts would always get broken. Then we would get a boy that was too nice, who would open the doors to everything, pay for everything, and do everything. I had a couple and it was way too much.

Where is the in between? The one that is kind of an ass that keeps you on your feet, but that also thinks the sun shines out of your ass? I have seen now 3 friends resort to match.com or eharmony, and I am definetly not on that route yet, but everyone that has gotten an account has found love. I am pretty sure God is going to be my match.com account, and I just need to trust him. I am just putting my faith in him that I am not old and wrinkly before he decides to bring prince charming :)

If you are going to fall in love with me...

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my Internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people; I’d forget to call, to text. I change my mind way too much, I can’t settle. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in random just telling you I hope you had a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible. -words and lyrics

best things

Love is a Blind Whore...

I am sitting on my porch, with cup of coffee in hand, and watching the rain fall down. If any of you look at the time, yes it is almost 4, and yes I am just starting my day off. But heck with it, its my day off and I am going to enjoy it.

Anywho, I read this picture/quote, and whoever must of wrote this, got hurt really badly. Even so, I liked it. A blind whore. I relate with that. I think he got hurt because she walked away to another guy, and she must've been blind, because she didn't see how good he was to her. She also must not have a sense of humor since she doesn't like any of his jokes, and a mental disease because its always good to blame someone else for one's own pain. I see the hurt in this quote, the red staring at me. I laughed first at it, but then realized that it was more then just a chuckle.

My mom or somebody once said that even though when you get hurt, and it seems that love is not by your side and that you never want to love again, you do. Love is something we all strive to find. All love is different. And heartbreak after heartbreak we eventually get up again and find love again, hoping that the love will be different.

Skinny Jeans

Anxiety Girl!

HAHA, yes, so me :)

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you -Christian D. Larson

Someplace...

Ah, this makes me miss Michigan so terribly much. You know I sometimes complain about how my roommate can be very indecisive, but I am having quite the time deciding whether or not it is worth spending over 600 dollars on two weeks up North. It will be even more, around 900 to take my dogs. My computer I can tell is already telling me it is getting arthritis, or some disease as it creaks and moans every time I turn it on. So I could buy a computer worth the cost of a trip. So is it worth it? I am not quite sure. My mother would say it is up to you, as my father will flat out say no, not only because my animals are a hindrance, but I think I am also an annoyance.

Anyway, today is my Friday, which I am quite excited about. Tomorrow I am getting a pedicure with my mom for her Mother's day gift. She desperately needs one, and I dont mind being pampered at all. So it shall be fun. And then the rooms and possibly another friend are going to go see Brides Maids. It looks cute for sure, so I am hoping for a great laugh or two.

So something on my mind. Love. What is it, and when you find it how do you know? Truly know. I see people in love, getting engaged, having kids, and then having it all dissipate and falling off the cliff, like a marathon runner. I look back on all the boyfriends, and feel like at the time I was in love, but how do I know that? How do you know forever is going to last until all of your parts are sagging and he still thinks the sun shines out of your ass. Of course I have heard that I will never leave you, but they all do. I am so ranting, so I apologize. I just wonder how you know you met the one?

Anywho, we got new cameras installed with our company, and you can see yourself on camera, and we are having a blast dancing and watching ourselves. Will they ever see our awesome cool moves? Probably not. But it is keeping me awake and occupied. Night yall.

Scars...

Good evening bloggers. WOAH. ITs been a couple days, one of the reasons being blogger has been down. NOT cool. I look forward to writing and then come on and it says its down. I can imagine all of the bloggers now writing getting their minds out on here.

Maybe because I am tired, not sure, but it is 3 o clock and just had a kiddo up. I am exhausted though. Its sad but I count down the hours until morning staff come. I work tomorrow night then I have 5 days off. How exciting.

Quote for the evening:

And I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.

How true. When I saw this quote it made me think of that lady that got in a car accident because of a drunk driver. You couldn't even tell if it was a girl or not and it looked like the entire process was painful. But she has used her scar as a motive, and a message for drunk driving that is more then enough to make you think twice of getting behind the wheel.

I think of the "scars" I have, and how sometimes I may think they are ugly. I am not sure the exact scars that I have. But I do know that the physical scars tell a story. Each one is a time in my life that I literally fell down or did something that cause a permanent story that was visible to the world. And sometimes the scars fade, but when you look closely you can still see the imperfection, the beautiful disaster that happened. And I am proud of my scars on the inside and outside.

Falling Down...

I dont feel much

And I don't sleep

I just lay here

And think

About nothing in particular

Just life

And what it means to me

Falling down

is the best thing that's happened to me

Now I can see

It's beginning to hurt

Turning over with open eyes

And asking what I'm worth

Nothing in particular

That's all I'm worth to me

Falling down...

Falling down...

This song has so many meanings, so many memories. Some good some bad. But memories non the less. And it feels good to have a song that is able to take you away to the memories.

The band, called Weather, was played at my boarding school my junior year. The lead singer was the son of main teachers at the school, who had lost his way, and found that music was the way he was able to express himself. Of course I bought the cd and listened to it over and over, finding that this one particular song was the one that hit home. 

Falling down was the best thing that did ever happen to me. Being sent away with no warning, away from home, friends, going to boarding school far away, coming home to no friends, and being kicked out, and wanting to commit suicide. Falling made me who I am, strong, and alive. The tears, the heartbreaks, the wishing I was somewhere else. It all came back and still does when the song comes on.

I made love to this song, got caught, saw him run away with tears, leaving me falling, asking what I was worth. It may just be life, but its amazing how one song can bring so many treasured memories. Now I can see...

Mother's Day..

Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted - Niequist

Happy Mother's Day. I assume you are expecting me to go on and on about how I love my mother and all of the qualities I adore within her. She already knows this. I try to show her, and I feel that she knows this. I have wanted to give her the one thing I can't give her. Happiness. No matter what I give her, what I tell her, or try to do, the true genuine happiness that I want her to have isn't there. I can't give it to her. She has to give it to herself.

I see her drowning her sorrows into things that wont give her happiness. Wine, Michigan, crafts, and the good ol craigslist is what she pours herself into. Sitting by herself in her office with a glass of wine, working on beading, while craigs-listing in northern michigan, she is alone and breaking down. When asked, she smiles, though you can see right through her eyes the sadness that I have wanted for years to take away. No I love you's or hugs can take it away.

Bill Watterson says it perfectly:

We all have different desires and needs, but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.

That is what I want to give her for mother's day, the knowing that no matter what she does, I will be by her side and that I am going to push her to find the happiness that I know she deserves. Even though she say's she has come to peace and realization, I know and she knows that the kind of life she is living isn't what she deserves. She is a wonderful woman of God, who cares about us stupid, ignorant children, who day after day step over her repeatedly. No matter how many times we do so, she is always there, steady with her love. She is wearing out though, I see it and its hard standing by watching it unfold and knowing there is nothing I can do about it.

So tomorrow, I will once again try and give her happiness that I can't truly give her. She deserves it, and I will give it to her from now and everyday. I hope she knows that she needs it. Her heart desires happiness. She is too amazing of a woman not to have it. I love you Mom. So very much.

Leave Everything...

At work, and trying to stay awake on only 2 hours of sleep. Its not even one, and I have already taken a caffeine pill and used eye drops. Its a sad sight when your eyes haven't been closed for only 2 hours for over 24 hours. <--- done bitching.

When I was a little girl, I would pack my Barbie backpack, which was super small, with a stuffed animal and a bag full of pretzels and say 'I am leaving and not coming back'. I vividly see my mom saying okay as she was washing the dishes as I marched out of the front door into the Arizona heat. I remember doing this often, especially when I was upset with my mom for saying no. I remember leaving one time, and as I was walking down the street a white dirty car drove down the street and started coming towards me slowly like he was going to run me over. As I look back at it now, I could have vanished. He could have stopped and easily taken me. I remember exactly how I felt, my heart going to the pit of my stomach, as I ran towards the neighbors house. I was only one house away from my house, and I felt that I was never going to see my family again. I remember the guy in the car laughing as he drove away. I dont remember what his intentions were, but I assume they weren't good.

I have never really looked at running away from home quite the same from that point on. Of course everyone wants to drop their sadness, and runaway to somewhere easy, but the sadness will always follow. I have learned the hard way. No matter where you go, whatever you are dealing with will follow. But I know the best place to run to now, is HOME. 

Sunbeam...

My mom is my sunbeam, today and everyday :)) 

Let's Runaway...

I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic. - De Lint

Go Find YOUrself

This sounds like something that someone who has no idea who their are themselves would tell someone who is on the journey of finding themselves. I can see Darwin saying this to someone, chuckling to himself that natural selection will get them, because NO ONE can truly find 'yourself'. Yet here we all are, trying to find a piece of who we are. 

I find myself crying realizing my mom is leaving in a week. She will be gone for 5 months or more, leaving me here, alone. She is part of me. When I saw this picture I realize that we take things around us and make them who we are. My mom makes me happy, smile, and helps me realize what unconditional love is. I find myself with the gifts that she gives me...HER. I have gotten her stubbornness, the desire to find new creative ideas and the desire to be like the strong woman she is.

Even my dogs make me who I am. They have allowed me to watch my time and allow for mishaps to come. Lilly just tore through the waste-basket, or Lucy needs to be let out, or given her 5th rawhide which makes me take five minutes of my time that I already didn't have. I am now confident that I am able to sleep on one side of the bed with another person without moving or kicking them off the bed at night because my dogs have taken half of the bed and trained me to stay still the entire night cramped on only 6 inches of bed. They have given me the gift of loving. It takes a certain kind of person to love animals and some humans for that matter. 

Even the people that have hurt my feelings, trampled on me, or can never love me, and never will have helped me find myself. They have given me the gift of realizing that I am strong, and that I am worth more then what they have given me. It is people like my mother, roommate, dogs and others close to me, that help me find who I am, a STRONG, NEVER GIVING UP, WOMAN, and that feels damn good. I know that through the struggles, the winnings, I am going to find more of myself every day, and that you can never truly find yourself, because its a never ending book, and I still have a ton of chapters to write.