I can still see his smile.
4 am, I knew he would start singing his favorite song, followed by "NATALIE?"
I would go over to his door and and wait patiently, hoping that he would doze back to neverland.
Natalie?
Yes, Joseph, I am right here.
Can you read to me?
Its late, can you try to sleep?
Can I have a banana?
You have to wait 15 minutes.
Then can you sit by my door?
Sure bud.
And I would sit there, listening to my slow mix of music playing in the milieu, Joseph occasionally humming along. I would tell him once he started to try and go to sleep and he would be quiet for a few minutes then start humming again. How I wish now that I could have listened to him hum those songs.
I listen to the songs now, a playlist that reminds me of him and I come to tears. His smile and his laugh. The way we would do a parachute while making his bed. The way I stood by the bathroom door singing twinkle twinkle little star while he brushed his teeth. He would come over to me and get right up to my nose and breathe and ask me if his breath smelled good. I would say "eww" and he would laugh so hard. He would ask for his "man spray" which was axe, and spray his neck and to his request his backpack. He would ask if he smelled good and I would say "eww, you smell like a boy" and he would come and give me a big hug. The scent would linger on my clothes the rest of the day.
I remember how he pulled tooth and nail. Yelling and kicking. It took months to get to the point where he wouldn't yell and slam the door if I wouldn't stand by it. I would go home from work crying some days wishing that I had a different job.
But then there was a day when a ton of motorcycles came to work bringing gifts and this little boy who would yell and never want to be with me, held tight to my hand and clung to my side. He was so scared, the fear was shown through his eyes, and I walked him back inside.
He and I sat on the couch, he layed his head on my arm. Joseph who was scared of so much was able to let me in. How grateful and powerful it was.
The days got easier and laughter was a very common thing with Joseph and I. A six year old that could dance oddly but see the true joy from his feet, and the way he would read me book after book and proud that he brushed his teeth without me asking. He would give me a hug before going to school and always said he missed me when I returned that evening for work.
He then said he loved me in the sweetest voice ever. "Miss Natalie?"
Yes bud?
I love you.
And that was all I needed to know that a little boy who time after time was shown the world was a difficult place was able to see that there was still some sunshine left in the sky.
Love you superstar. xo
