Traveling...

“Traveling is like flirting with life. It’s like saying, ‘I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.’”  Lisa St. Aubin de Terán

I am ready to go change the world <3

Guard your Heart...

I was laying in bed last night, and felt completely alone. Even with someone next to me, my heart hurt. The past two guys, I will not mention names, I thought were utterly amazing in their own ways. The first one has known my true self, knew me on a vulnerable side through Boarding School. The other I knew since high-school who knew the flirty fun spunky natalie. Both "loved" me, both left me and haven't heard from either of them since. How is it that a person can make not talking to you so easy. I have no love feelings towards them, but I am hurt that if someone would love you so much and want to marry you how easy they make leaving be. 

In my bible, it says in the back, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life".  I have not found out how to truly guard my heart. I feel when you are meant to love and change people's lives which I know I have done, it is hard to put a guard up on something God meant for you too put out. I do understand that to guard my heart emotionally against boys that God doesn't want for me in the first part is what guarding your heart should be, I just haven't figured out how to.

The roommate and I were talking about my "list". The numbers keep on adding up, and the connection between them keep dwindling. I used to be the girl who thought love was supposed to be with someone you love. Well love turned into lust which eventually turned into sex. Nothing special, nothing worth keeping close to your heart, and my heart keeps breaking as the numbers get higher. I believe since my self-esteem has gotten lower, I settle. As my friend said I shouldn't yet I see herself settling for someone that doesn't want to be committed to her. 

Why do we settle? Why dont us beautiful women of God understand we sparkle in God's eyes? I know he see's everyone of us little girl's of his as sparkling diamonds that should be treasured. I want to hold God's hand, and have some wonderful man of God hold my other. That is what I really look forward to.

Motivation... I dont have

Motivation. How does one maintain it? Because I sure as hell dont have it. When I am laying in bed knowing that I need to run, I have all the motivation I need, but when my feet hit the floor, I lose all of it in an instant.

I have motivation to eat, sleep, shop, watch tv, and oh yes, stalk people on facebook. I am particularly the best at the last one, because I can eat, watch tv and technically shop too, all while seeing who my ex is dating now <--- I know I am not the only one here.

How do I get motivation for the important stuff though, like running, going to work, cleaning and such? Running has been a drag, because an overweight sweaty blonde chick does not look so hot sweating EVERYWHERE, and breathing like a race horse. I have YET to find one that does. And working? Yes, I dont hate it, but everyone that knows me, knows I would rather be doing the things I have motivation for rather then thinking about the chaos that may happen at work.

EXERCISE: My father says, "It just takes getting into a schedule and having dedication". He is saying this while he is eating a piece of cake while his metabolism has already taken care of the cake before it hits his mouth. Lucky son of a.... My mom says that "Just eat an egg in the morning, and a yogurt for lunch". She is saying this as this is her second day with it, after taking a "break" of eating whatever she wants. I want something that works. So what I am trying to do is eat 900 calories of whatever the hell I want and running. <--- yes I still look like a pig in 93 degree weather.

WORK: Finding something I am passionate about is what I heard leads to someone wanting to go to work everyday. In this economy its a little harder, but hopefully God will provide. And come on, doesn't everyone complain about going to work?

BUT if anybody has a pill that motivates for running and doing the important things, PLEASE hit me up :)

sweet dreams bloggers.

I have thought numerous times, how nice it would be to fly. Not exactly like Buzz, but flying. I want to at least fly in my dreams, and that has yet to happen, so wishful thinking right?

I just got off of working 2-10 pm, while having a small break from working overnight last night. I thought I was going to be way more tired, and WAY more grumpy, but my tired-ness is only hitting me right now. I work tomorrow night and then have a couple of days off. 

Can you tell I am just talking a bunch of random crap? yes so can I, so I am going to sign off a little early, so not to bore you. sweet dreams bloggers.

Oxygen...

I thought maybe it would have lasted. I thought if I had put my energy and time, that I would find more in common and that my heart would love him, eventually. I was wrong. Even if you have something in common, it doesn't make out for the fact that you just might not be right for each other. 

What was the deal? Was I just not attracted? Was I just in a long phase that I was hoping I would get over? I have no earthly idea, but it wasn't right. I tried and tried. He was everything I needed in somebody, but it wasn't what I needed. I find that a lot of my girlfriends would bitch about that their boyfriend at the time would be such an ass and not treat them right. This was me too, and I often would get comforted and comfort because our hearts would always get broken. Then we would get a boy that was too nice, who would open the doors to everything, pay for everything, and do everything. I had a couple and it was way too much.

Where is the in between? The one that is kind of an ass that keeps you on your feet, but that also thinks the sun shines out of your ass? I have seen now 3 friends resort to match.com or eharmony, and I am definetly not on that route yet, but everyone that has gotten an account has found love. I am pretty sure God is going to be my match.com account, and I just need to trust him. I am just putting my faith in him that I am not old and wrinkly before he decides to bring prince charming :)

If you are going to fall in love with me...

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my Internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people; I’d forget to call, to text. I change my mind way too much, I can’t settle. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in random just telling you I hope you had a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible. -words and lyrics

best things

Love is a Blind Whore...

I am sitting on my porch, with cup of coffee in hand, and watching the rain fall down. If any of you look at the time, yes it is almost 4, and yes I am just starting my day off. But heck with it, its my day off and I am going to enjoy it.

Anywho, I read this picture/quote, and whoever must of wrote this, got hurt really badly. Even so, I liked it. A blind whore. I relate with that. I think he got hurt because she walked away to another guy, and she must've been blind, because she didn't see how good he was to her. She also must not have a sense of humor since she doesn't like any of his jokes, and a mental disease because its always good to blame someone else for one's own pain. I see the hurt in this quote, the red staring at me. I laughed first at it, but then realized that it was more then just a chuckle.

My mom or somebody once said that even though when you get hurt, and it seems that love is not by your side and that you never want to love again, you do. Love is something we all strive to find. All love is different. And heartbreak after heartbreak we eventually get up again and find love again, hoping that the love will be different.

Skinny Jeans

Anxiety Girl!

HAHA, yes, so me :)

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you -Christian D. Larson

Someplace...

Ah, this makes me miss Michigan so terribly much. You know I sometimes complain about how my roommate can be very indecisive, but I am having quite the time deciding whether or not it is worth spending over 600 dollars on two weeks up North. It will be even more, around 900 to take my dogs. My computer I can tell is already telling me it is getting arthritis, or some disease as it creaks and moans every time I turn it on. So I could buy a computer worth the cost of a trip. So is it worth it? I am not quite sure. My mother would say it is up to you, as my father will flat out say no, not only because my animals are a hindrance, but I think I am also an annoyance.

Anyway, today is my Friday, which I am quite excited about. Tomorrow I am getting a pedicure with my mom for her Mother's day gift. She desperately needs one, and I dont mind being pampered at all. So it shall be fun. And then the rooms and possibly another friend are going to go see Brides Maids. It looks cute for sure, so I am hoping for a great laugh or two.

So something on my mind. Love. What is it, and when you find it how do you know? Truly know. I see people in love, getting engaged, having kids, and then having it all dissipate and falling off the cliff, like a marathon runner. I look back on all the boyfriends, and feel like at the time I was in love, but how do I know that? How do you know forever is going to last until all of your parts are sagging and he still thinks the sun shines out of your ass. Of course I have heard that I will never leave you, but they all do. I am so ranting, so I apologize. I just wonder how you know you met the one?

Anywho, we got new cameras installed with our company, and you can see yourself on camera, and we are having a blast dancing and watching ourselves. Will they ever see our awesome cool moves? Probably not. But it is keeping me awake and occupied. Night yall.

Scars...

Good evening bloggers. WOAH. ITs been a couple days, one of the reasons being blogger has been down. NOT cool. I look forward to writing and then come on and it says its down. I can imagine all of the bloggers now writing getting their minds out on here.

Maybe because I am tired, not sure, but it is 3 o clock and just had a kiddo up. I am exhausted though. Its sad but I count down the hours until morning staff come. I work tomorrow night then I have 5 days off. How exciting.

Quote for the evening:

And I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.

How true. When I saw this quote it made me think of that lady that got in a car accident because of a drunk driver. You couldn't even tell if it was a girl or not and it looked like the entire process was painful. But she has used her scar as a motive, and a message for drunk driving that is more then enough to make you think twice of getting behind the wheel.

I think of the "scars" I have, and how sometimes I may think they are ugly. I am not sure the exact scars that I have. But I do know that the physical scars tell a story. Each one is a time in my life that I literally fell down or did something that cause a permanent story that was visible to the world. And sometimes the scars fade, but when you look closely you can still see the imperfection, the beautiful disaster that happened. And I am proud of my scars on the inside and outside.

Falling Down...

I dont feel much

And I don't sleep

I just lay here

And think

About nothing in particular

Just life

And what it means to me

Falling down

is the best thing that's happened to me

Now I can see

It's beginning to hurt

Turning over with open eyes

And asking what I'm worth

Nothing in particular

That's all I'm worth to me

Falling down...

Falling down...

This song has so many meanings, so many memories. Some good some bad. But memories non the less. And it feels good to have a song that is able to take you away to the memories.

The band, called Weather, was played at my boarding school my junior year. The lead singer was the son of main teachers at the school, who had lost his way, and found that music was the way he was able to express himself. Of course I bought the cd and listened to it over and over, finding that this one particular song was the one that hit home. 

Falling down was the best thing that did ever happen to me. Being sent away with no warning, away from home, friends, going to boarding school far away, coming home to no friends, and being kicked out, and wanting to commit suicide. Falling made me who I am, strong, and alive. The tears, the heartbreaks, the wishing I was somewhere else. It all came back and still does when the song comes on.

I made love to this song, got caught, saw him run away with tears, leaving me falling, asking what I was worth. It may just be life, but its amazing how one song can bring so many treasured memories. Now I can see...

Mother's Day..

Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted - Niequist

Happy Mother's Day. I assume you are expecting me to go on and on about how I love my mother and all of the qualities I adore within her. She already knows this. I try to show her, and I feel that she knows this. I have wanted to give her the one thing I can't give her. Happiness. No matter what I give her, what I tell her, or try to do, the true genuine happiness that I want her to have isn't there. I can't give it to her. She has to give it to herself.

I see her drowning her sorrows into things that wont give her happiness. Wine, Michigan, crafts, and the good ol craigslist is what she pours herself into. Sitting by herself in her office with a glass of wine, working on beading, while craigs-listing in northern michigan, she is alone and breaking down. When asked, she smiles, though you can see right through her eyes the sadness that I have wanted for years to take away. No I love you's or hugs can take it away.

Bill Watterson says it perfectly:

We all have different desires and needs, but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.

That is what I want to give her for mother's day, the knowing that no matter what she does, I will be by her side and that I am going to push her to find the happiness that I know she deserves. Even though she say's she has come to peace and realization, I know and she knows that the kind of life she is living isn't what she deserves. She is a wonderful woman of God, who cares about us stupid, ignorant children, who day after day step over her repeatedly. No matter how many times we do so, she is always there, steady with her love. She is wearing out though, I see it and its hard standing by watching it unfold and knowing there is nothing I can do about it.

So tomorrow, I will once again try and give her happiness that I can't truly give her. She deserves it, and I will give it to her from now and everyday. I hope she knows that she needs it. Her heart desires happiness. She is too amazing of a woman not to have it. I love you Mom. So very much.

Leave Everything...

At work, and trying to stay awake on only 2 hours of sleep. Its not even one, and I have already taken a caffeine pill and used eye drops. Its a sad sight when your eyes haven't been closed for only 2 hours for over 24 hours. <--- done bitching.

When I was a little girl, I would pack my Barbie backpack, which was super small, with a stuffed animal and a bag full of pretzels and say 'I am leaving and not coming back'. I vividly see my mom saying okay as she was washing the dishes as I marched out of the front door into the Arizona heat. I remember doing this often, especially when I was upset with my mom for saying no. I remember leaving one time, and as I was walking down the street a white dirty car drove down the street and started coming towards me slowly like he was going to run me over. As I look back at it now, I could have vanished. He could have stopped and easily taken me. I remember exactly how I felt, my heart going to the pit of my stomach, as I ran towards the neighbors house. I was only one house away from my house, and I felt that I was never going to see my family again. I remember the guy in the car laughing as he drove away. I dont remember what his intentions were, but I assume they weren't good.

I have never really looked at running away from home quite the same from that point on. Of course everyone wants to drop their sadness, and runaway to somewhere easy, but the sadness will always follow. I have learned the hard way. No matter where you go, whatever you are dealing with will follow. But I know the best place to run to now, is HOME. 

Sunbeam...

My mom is my sunbeam, today and everyday :)) 

Let's Runaway...

I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic. - De Lint

Go Find YOUrself

This sounds like something that someone who has no idea who their are themselves would tell someone who is on the journey of finding themselves. I can see Darwin saying this to someone, chuckling to himself that natural selection will get them, because NO ONE can truly find 'yourself'. Yet here we all are, trying to find a piece of who we are. 

I find myself crying realizing my mom is leaving in a week. She will be gone for 5 months or more, leaving me here, alone. She is part of me. When I saw this picture I realize that we take things around us and make them who we are. My mom makes me happy, smile, and helps me realize what unconditional love is. I find myself with the gifts that she gives me...HER. I have gotten her stubbornness, the desire to find new creative ideas and the desire to be like the strong woman she is.

Even my dogs make me who I am. They have allowed me to watch my time and allow for mishaps to come. Lilly just tore through the waste-basket, or Lucy needs to be let out, or given her 5th rawhide which makes me take five minutes of my time that I already didn't have. I am now confident that I am able to sleep on one side of the bed with another person without moving or kicking them off the bed at night because my dogs have taken half of the bed and trained me to stay still the entire night cramped on only 6 inches of bed. They have given me the gift of loving. It takes a certain kind of person to love animals and some humans for that matter. 

Even the people that have hurt my feelings, trampled on me, or can never love me, and never will have helped me find myself. They have given me the gift of realizing that I am strong, and that I am worth more then what they have given me. It is people like my mother, roommate, dogs and others close to me, that help me find who I am, a STRONG, NEVER GIVING UP, WOMAN, and that feels damn good. I know that through the struggles, the winnings, I am going to find more of myself every day, and that you can never truly find yourself, because its a never ending book, and I still have a ton of chapters to write.