Tangled in Hotel Sheets

I love to rearrange and change it up. Not my life. But everything around me. I rearrange my room, new color schemes, to decorations. You name it. I find a vase on sale and will end up spending money on an entire room re-do because I get inspiration from a 3 dollar item. Thank goodness I didn't end up transferring and going into interior design because I would have more techniques and ideas and no funds to do so. Technically I have my own place, but its not ALL mine and I can't necessarily tear down walls or re-tile things.

I would love to get a charming, old house and rebuild it to exactly my standards. Vintage furniture scattered around the house. Flowers in every room, lilacs preferably. Black and white photos of vacations, family, and pets hang about that brings memories no matter where you go. Bright kitchen that makes you want to cook and a black baby grand in the front room so I can play those sweet white keys. Where the carpet is soft and makes evening wrestles less painful and family game nights longer.

My house will have to have a lot of windows so I can put sheer white curtains up. Where Christmas lights adorn the windows gracefully and look beautiful from the street. The family room is where I want my center to be. Comfy couches that mold your body perfectly, that makes watching the Mavs play heaven, and falling asleep to Matt Nathanson and Norah Jones by the fire a nightly ritual. Where blankets grace the back of the couch almost obligating you for snuggle time. The smell of cinnamon rolls in the oven filling the house with hunger, and your dogs by your feet keeping you company.

And an amazing porch, so you can drink wine outside and laugh while enjoying the summer air. Where the stars hang low in the sky, almost reachable. Where friends gather for a barbecue evenings and drunken stories and make you realize just how lucky you truly are. And after a long day, climbing into a bed where the windows are open and the cool breeze and crisp air flow, and fresh clean sheets waiting to be slept in. Out of the shower as goose-bumps appear and you shiver your way into a bed with down-comforter to your chin feeling warmer by the second as you settle in for sweet sweet dreams....

Boys, Alcohol and Dogs

I read the entry question. Write 3-5 pages about your interests and why you should be accepted here. No biggy. Boy did I think wrongly. I am currently on page two and already sick of myself and more stuck then when a slug finds out when the sun shines he is stuck there too. Sit me down with coffee and a person that nods and smiles and I can talk about myself for hours. But trying to put all about me in a positive light aint gonna happen in 3 pages. So where do I go from here? How do I get another page when I don’t want to seem like I am drowning in details and self-recognition. Its not like I don’t have experience or stories that make me a prime candidate for this program. I do. But trying to share my life story without sharing too much is a thin line to be walking. Even as I sit here I can vent and tell you about myself. But do teachers want to sit here and read me bitching about life and how its unfair and unjust? Nope. I would throw it out the first instance if I was reading a bunch of essays and saw some one complaining who I didn’t even know.

So I have stretched, walked around, and am even trying blogging to maybe give my head some clearing room. Interests. Boys, Alcohol, and One Tree Hill. Oh and dogs, can’t forget dogs. Do they want to hear about that? I have had enough experience with boys to know the jack asses, douche bags and man whores. I know how much alcohol can give you a buzz and how much leaves you on the bathroom floor naked. One Tree Hill. GAWD. Can Lucas Scott be any more jaw dropping, pile of drool on the floor, handsome? If you haven’t seen it ladies, do. He is a gentleman and romantic AND genius. DANG. And about dogs, I don’t need to even go into that because I am sure you know how I feel about them.

Why should I be accepted? Why shouldn’t I be. Besides being a total lunatic some days or be a emotional girl that only wants a huge cinnabon I am the ideal candidate. Just that line on why I should, makes you want to sign me up for some mature classes, right? My brain is completely fried right now. And that’s just what they want for a student, a kid that is tired of writing. Vote for Natalie!

Sugar for you Grams

Call me dumb. WAIT. I'm dumb. I beat you to it. But on a serious note, have you ever wondered just what is grams of sugar or salt?

My dad and I would go down the cereal isle in Wal-mart and I couldn't pick something out with too much sugar. Lucky Charms, or Cocoa Puffs with Marshmallows was DEFINITELY out of the question. So we settled with Honey Nut Cheerios with 25% less sugar... lame.

I had always thought that 11g of sugar meant 11 little cubes of sugar was in it. Then I got a little smarter. The serving size said 11g of sugar so that had to mean that 11 cubes of sugar were in my bowl. See where I am going here?

WHAT IS GRAMS? To make it more simpler they could have put on the label 2 cups of sugar like they do with raisin bran only they put 2 cups of raisins. So please let me know what it means while I go back to the cereal isle and beg my dad to get the Cocoa Puffs with Marshmellows.

Ain't No Need to go Outside

 Can't you see that it's just raining, aint no need to go outside... 

Oh the famous words of Jack Johnson. The overplayed song of the century that has made ever person yearn to make banana pancakes, and yet I find myself having that song stuck in my head today.

You. Me. In crisp white sheets that were freshly washed that night before. "Waking up to early, maybe we could sleep in". Letting the rain patter on the window, the roof and the porch. The sheer white curtains, letting the storm weather fill the room with grey light that makes white seem so refreshing and clean. Dogs sprawled on the bed as soft snoring of dreams happen.

"Maybe we can sleep in, I'll make you banana pancakes." Walking to the kitchen in an oversized t-shirt and undies making coffee. Running back to bed to the perfect temperature that only happens when its time for you to have to get up, but today I don't have to "cause I love to lay here lazy, we could close the curtains, pretend like there's no world outside." The coffee's done and the perfect time to sit on the porch pull my knees to my chest and drink coffee, smell the rain, feel the cool breeze it brings. Deep breath. Deep breath. "Rain all day, rain all night." I could get used to this.

Back in bed. Coffee on nightstand, sleeping dogs still laying, eyes fluttering. Blogging as it rains, the computer is the only thing that illuminates the room. Put a little soft music, the kind that inspires you to linger a little longer in your bed, yet motivates you to write. Everything is wet outside, the leaves heavy with water. Quiet. Clean. Relaxing. "We got everything we need right here, and everything we need is enough, just so easy."

Not just a #

What weight is beautiful?
What outfit is stylish?
What hair is hippest?

I wont tell you my weight that I was, but it was 31 pounds heavier then I am now. I have gotten many compliments on how good I look and "have you lost weight?" It makes me feel good, but when I think about it, did I not look good when I was 31 pounds heavier?

I have no idea what my "ideal" weight is, and I am sure my dad or a know-it-all could tell me, but what weight makes me FEEL ideal? What makes me think "Hey this is where I should be at, and I look good even if I am not a size anorexic-exercise-aholic." Is it going to be a size zero just so I can get those envious looks, or is it going to be  a size 16 where I can eat whatever I want and have some love that can handle a lot. :) I dont know.

I was probably at my size now when I got called fat and lose by a previous boyfriend. He is now in my burn list, but I have let everyone, including myself, let others say what size I ought to be. So finding out the size that makes me happy is going to be harder then resisting McDonalds. That's hard.

Winter...

When the bold branches

Bid farewell to rainbow leaves -Welcome wool sweaters.
B. Cybrill

A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.

Anais Nin

When there's snow on the ground, I like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.

Hosaka

There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.   Ruth Stout

But I am sure that I have always thought of Christmas time, when  it has come around... as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant timel the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seen by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely. -Dikens

Happy Birthday!

I complain a lot. Maybe not a lot, well, excessively. To the point where my dad asks "will there ever be a day that you dont complain?" I know. I got a wake up call tonight. I get calls like this on a consistent basis. Whether they truly sink in I am not sure.

Today is a kid's birthday on my unit that I work at at Helping Hand Home. For those that dont know I work with abused and neglected kids. I can't say much to protect the information I know but I look at other kids and think of others that will celebrate their birthday's alone, no family, no party, no celebration.

I made the child a birthday card, with the quote "Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world". To think about kids that weren't celebrated when they arrived on this earth is hard. Granted I am not the most splendid kid to be born but my parents rejoiced the day I arrived on earth. I was a gift and I was showered with it daily. To think kids that are in the 'system' wont get that ever and wont hear "baby, I am so glad you were born" is hard to imagine. Most parents' rights are terminated which means they wont be around and probably wont give two thoughts about them again. The child is left hurt, broken and abandoned.

So here is to those kids that wont get celebrated on their special day. Happy Birthday to you. You are a gift to God and I am so lucky you were born, because you will do something wonderful. You will change kids' lives that have been effected just like you. You will touch people's hearts the way you have touched mine and you will be celebrated everyday. You better believe it.

Genius right here!

Guess who is a FA-REAKING genius? This girl right here. It only took almost a year, but this girl has internet at work. I had been trying to use my mobile hotspot and had no luck because I had no service here. I sat at the computer watching it load for ten minutes only for it to say try again because you service sucks and you have no brain. Kinda.

But I found that the computers at work have a phone cable thing that delivers, internet. If only it delivered pizza I would stay at this job forever, maybe. So whippee!!! Getting paid to sit on my butt and blog. I do do my job too, so dont think I do nothing.

Anyway, just thought I would pass this exciting note onto you :) Have a wonderful night bloggers!

What my heart Craves...

RAIN:

The smell as it hits the hot ground. The magic as the sky turns grey and expect it any minute to let go and pour. When your in a house with a tin roof, and it sounds like a huge storm and the gift it brings as you snuggle closer to the ones' you love. The way a city, town, everything around you is in a glum state of being and gives you an excuse to do the same and stay in bed a little longer. The puddles it brings and nothing holding you back from being a kid and jumping and splashing in them. How safe and secure I feel when its pouring inside, my dim light on my night-stand and feeling cherished as I watch the raindrops slide down my window. 

FIRE:

The smell of real burning wood. Makes your home cozy, warm, even when its freezing and hellish outside. It gives you a reason to stay on the couch, to turn on some Nat King Cole and drink hot coffee with extra creamer. I put my pillow up near the warmth and when its nice and hot run to my freezing room to sleep. Fire means Christmas to me, which I love. The idea of having a fire, Christmas music and a lighted Christmas tree all together in one room fills my heart with the most pure jubilance and heaven I could ever want. To me it means family, and invitation to get together and sit around the warmth. If that isn't bliss I am not sure what is.

you are SPECIAL!!!

 "You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there." Max Lucado


YOU ARE SPECIAL:


your crazy hairdo in the morning, even down to your morning breath, you are one of a kind. That annoying noise you do, that sounds like a hippo... now I dont have to go to Africa to see one. God made the sun rise for you. And he made it set so you can have a new day. That smile, that is a pretty smile. It makes me want to laugh. Even your laugh. The snorts, the gasps for breath as you have tears running down you face, make me know you are great! Your personality, whether it be a neat freak, ocd, add, or any of the other "d's" out there. Your pretty specialized and that makes you awesome.


You know the days where you feel you are nothing? "Well If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning... Face it, friend. He is crazy about you!" (Max L) And there is a guy or girl out there, or a dog, or even something special that is calling your name and waiting for you to go out there and give them your snorts and morning hair. The sun will shine out of your ass on a cloudy, needing to do your to-do list that's a mile high, and still have to pay the bills, kind of day. You define unique and aren't ordinary.


So please know that even if today is totally a day where you want to quit your job, shop til you drop, eat all the cheetos in the bag and sucker punch anyone that walks your way, know you extraordinary. I wouldn't have written a blog about you if you weren't :)

My Soul wont be Thirsty Anymore

"I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to heaven when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside the city........I'll tell these things to God, and he'll laugh, I think and he'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favorite. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, "well done," and that he liked my story. And my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

I figured death would be my topic for the day. My nails have disappeared from biting them and I still have yet to go to sleep after my overnight shift. Why does God take away the people that matter so much to others? How do mother's lose their sons and still live their life? How does a son lose his mom, or a husband his wife?

I remember the day my Dad cried. I was sitting next to him in the pew, and saw tears run down his face. The first time I realized my dad had emotions and the first day I cried for him, with him. He lost his mother, my grandmother. My dad tried to comfort me while I was crying for him. I was heartbroken that I couldn't bring my grandmother back to him. A man that had stood so sturdy my entire life was crying as if he had fallen as a boy and scraped his knee, and his mom who always came to the rescue wasn't going to be there this time. Selfish me. If only he knew it broke my heart to see someone he loved so much never be able to come back.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Copeland died of cancer. We used to sit around her as she would show us the pricks and dye marks from where the chemo went into her body. She would tell us about cancer and death and how there would be a day where she wasn't going to be there. That day showed up with a sub who passed out Jolly Ranchers. But the day I saw her husband cry,  knowing he would spend lonley nights alone and missing his girl that had put smiles on 24 third-graders and sprinkled confidence on our dreams, will never leave me.

My friend died a year ago. Gave his life. Selfish him. I am mad. Hurt. Yet it made me realize life is so precious and I am more angry at myself for not seeing the signs. The drunk texts saying how his life was in shambles. He would have rather gone off to the sea to ride the cruise of "life" because his excitement for existence was going nowhere on land. Yet I shrugged it off. I miss him. Dearly. His words before he jumped to his death 'I will love yall always" will always create daggers in my heart.

Death. I wish there was a prettier word for it. I wish it didn't cause so much heartbreak, tears and confusion. I wish it gave happiness instead of damage and I hoped it would give company instead of isolation. Today is going to be one of those days, where death is going to be missing the ones that touched so many hearts. Tomorrow I will celebrate their lives and the impact they made on people, but today I am going to heartbroken.

Hide and Seek with Stupidity

Ever play hide-and-seek with your dogs? Call me weird but it is so much fun. The confusion on their faces as they search frantically for you is probably cruel, but is the funniest, cutest, easiest laugh  ever. The quote that sums up the endless love a dog has for you can be noted below:

  Want to knows who loves you more? The dog or your wife? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and come back and see who is happy to see you!!

Lilly wasn't smelling with her nose, but looking with her eyes, and anyone that knows how smart Lilly is really knows something. She follows Lucy around, clueless, just going along for the ride. I whistle when they are out of the room thinking they have lost me forever, as they bound back in the room thinking I am in sight. Out they go again thinking I am in the kitchen. Silly them.

But then Lucy spots me like we haven't seen each other for a week and races up to me, Lilly behind, and cover me in excitement and love. I am so lucky to be in love with two dogs that love me to the end of the world and miss me when I am gone even for a minute.

Swimming.

Can you see me? I am the one that's pink, black eyes, swimming north and have fins. 

Thought so.

What if I tell you about me: Fun, sometimes scared, insecure but beautiful.

Thought so.

I feel like this picture. Swimming along with all the other 'fish' and wanting to stand out. Somehow. How do you stand out when you are just like everyone else. Go to work like everyone else. Pass people on the highway doing the same thing, living life. Is that enough for people?

not me

I am tired of living life in order just to get by. Tired of living pay check to pay check, trying to make ends meet. I know this is a sappy story and everyone has to get their adult underpants on and grow up, but this isn't what I had expected. Aren't you supposed to be freaking jumping for joy when you grow up, move out, make rent and be able to not eat hot dogs and ramen all the dang time? 

I am ready to change the freaking world. I know I am changing lives, even though I may not be able to see it right away. I was able to have kids trust me after their whole existence was abuse/neglect. I had a child say he loves me, and I melted. HUGE. But I want more. If I wasn't so attached to my dogs, and mother, oh and had some money, I would travel. I want to know in my heart that I was made to change lives and places and I want to see it in action. 

So how do I get there? How do I find money, and a way to keep my dogs and mother and still change the world? No freaking clue how, but I will stand out, you WILL be able to tell me apart from the picture above. Maybe I wont be swimming ahead, maybe I may lag, but shit, I will shine and sparkle. Watch me.

So you think you can Dance?

Love the face in the background!!

I look at people who THINK they are good dancers and obviously, they are not. Maybe its the drinks, or the cocky level that is hitting through the roof, but sir please do not thrust and make a face that you really need to take a dump and wink in my direction all at the same time. Those two together do not look well and wont make me want to come and join you.

Even though dancing is just one case I have experienced in college, I have noticed a lot of people THINK they are something and they are not. I am probably sitting in that boat too, but I sit and notice people thinking they know everything, think they know what is best for that person, what color your room should be, even down to the way you should brush your teeth, when really they don't. You know who I am talking about. Everyone has a 'one-upper' in their lives at one time, the einstein that can't be wrong and has an opinion on everything. Its life. But I wonder if they know that. Has someone ever told them?

If I was a horrible dancer and was humiliating myself out there I would HOPE that someone would have the decency to come out and tell me flat out to my face 'Natalie, you can't dance like a slut, so please stop embarrassing us', or something along those lines. Granted if I had a horrible break-up or something of the sorts or too much to drink, then give me some slack, but if it is continual then heaven-almighty someone save me.

I have told some of the know-it alls that they really DON'T know it ALL, and they laugh it off and continue to think they know it all, so its to the point where if someone is happy thinking they know it all, go for it. I wont be able to be around it all the time, but if it works for them and others can stand it then props to them. Maybe that's me, I mean I haven't had anyone say I am a horrible dancer, and I do KNOW that, duh! :)