Timeouts aren't just for little kids...

Did your parents ever put you in timeout as a kid? My family did, even though it was a phase that didn't last long because us kids became defiant and would goof around while in time-out. My dad would say "TIME-OUT, BOTH OF YOU" to my brother and I because we were doing something obnoxious, obviously, and my brother and I would go, or race while getting the last hit or punch in, into a corner. Some timeouts would last a couple minutes, others 15, but I never will look at a wall as long as I did during some of those days in childhood.

Did you ever while in timeout look at a painting and just get mesmerized? Granted you were being punished. With nothing else to do for the entire 15 minutes of  you having to sit in a chair and think about what you did, did you just stare at a picture looking at every tiny detail until your time was up? When I eat cereal, I can look at the box over and over until I am done with it and just keep looking at it, not getting bored. Every morning, same box, same place. Staring at the same cereal box.

When I think about timeouts and such now, I really wish there was a timeout for grown ups. I would put myself there daily, trust me. Not that I am doing anything wrong, but just to stop focusing on everything that is crazy in the world and just focus on one thing. Maybe its the wall, or a painting or heck the back of my eye-lids. Heh heh. Some things I hated doing as a kid, I wish I could do it, even timeouts.

Not knots in my stomach...

Do you even get knots in your stomach? The ones that twist and twist and make you anxious? I am currently experiencing three or so, or maybe its one really big one that decided to grab hold of my entire intestines. Either way the feeling sucks and it doesn't let me sleep, which is even worse, because my job depends on getting enough sleep.

The feeling of not knowing I assume is what it is. I get so worried that I wont sleep that the knot gets huge and I end up not sleeping. If ANYBODY knows a remedy that doesn't include:



  ambien
  benadryl
  herbal pills that stimulates melatonin
  exercise
  hot milk
  or any of the others

PLEASE let me know. I thought one of the main drug-free choice that could help my anxiety was the Bible. I am in Genesis, starting from the beginning, and I am more anxious then before. Did you know Abraham was going to sacrifice AKA KILL his one son that he wanted for so many years? It says that we need to value God and the relationship so much that one would be able to surrender the things you value so much.

I broke down. My mother, is the one I value more then anyone, and anything. I swear that if God asked me to surrender her I wouldn't. My life is nothing without her. My life is also nothing without God, but my mom has been there to verbally share her wisdom with me when I had no one. I haven't heard God yet. I have seen his whispers through a song on the radio or something similar, but I haven't heard him say "I love you" or "you're my prized possession". I haven't gotten any of that in the Bible yet. I have just been reading how many dang kids Jacob has and how easy it is to give a daughter away to a man they barley know. I know faith is huge, but when I keep stumbling over dang boulders, its hard to see the light when I haven't read much that gives me faith to know that me, or women are precious diamonds to God.

Everyone around struggles I know. I dont know many people like Abraham that would give up their child. I want to have that relationship with God where I know he loves me no matter what and know that he is going to bless me in all ways possible. I am sure there will be a couple of downfalls where I cry and see his light. Hopefully in Exodus I will see a light or something, because right now the last thing I want is God, and the first thing I want is my mom.

You ARE Special...

Twirling in my tutu, used to be my signature move. Playing Barbies and dress up used to be my passion. Boys had cooties, and girls were princess'. I grew up wanting to be a vet and save all the animals in the world. I was un-stoppable and didn't let ideas get in the way of my dreams, especially love. 

But somehow along the way, those eyes, that smile, and the cologne on boys that I never smelled until I hit high-school, hit me faster then the butterflies that floated to my stomach. I was in love. With boys.  I had pretended to marry a prince while I dressed up in my bride dress when I was 6, but having hundreds of boys that could possibly be "it" in my small messed up highschool, was more then what I bargained for. 

My dad used to say I was 'obsessed' with a guy and couldn't see things straight. Probably true. But man while I was in love, sherbet ice cream was the color of the sunsets that I got to experience with him, fireworks were a nightly thing, and my heart definetly dropped at least once a day when he smiled at me. I captured his heart, as he did mine. It was young love, but man, it was the best love I have ever had.

There was nothing in text books, church groups, or even friends that would have helped me learn the most hardest thing about love... heartbreak. Nobody said that my heart would literally hurt, that I would feel the most insignificant I had ever felt, and the desire to cut off the man-hood of the boy that took my heart. 

I never realized though that what probably hurt the most, was losing my self in the process of losing the one person that you thought was the one you were going to grow old with. Loving someone doesn't mean to stop loving yourself. So many times, I see myself, and others, giving up what they used to treasure so much because love was so powerful. 

Its now finding the love that keep my special-ness alive. I have met some great guys that help me see how dang awesome I am (not that I already dont know) :). I just have to keep dreaming, telling myself that I am special, because as a quote says, "some girls were just born with glitter in their veins".

Coffee... No Sugar

Summing up on what the pastor said at church : 

I am the type of person who wants to know if the girl I am going on a date with is going to be my wife. I am weird and want to know. So the one way I find out if she is the one or not is I take her to starbucks. I give the lady behind the cash register my order: Latte, skim milk, no whip, double cup. I like to have all the checks marked on the cup so I feel significant. Then I step aside and let Jess (his wife) order. She ordered water. The next time we went she ordered hot chocolate, then hot chocolate with coffee. Next time, coffee with 17 sugar packets, and then coffee with one splenda packet. When she asked me to go to starbucks and asked me to get her a venti black coffee I praised the heavens. But then I realized that she hadn't had coffee on her radar at all. But she loved me and she knew that I loved coffee.  When you love someone you are interested in, you want to be interested in what they are too. So I started getting interested and caring about what she was interested in. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, which I had thought was just a hotel, and cared about what she was interested in, even craft night. (He later went on tying this into the sermon of mission work).

Even though this was based on something else, this exactly the kind of relationship I need to be having with God. Working on a relationship with a guy isn't going to work if I dont have a relationship with God. Its been about me the entire time. I turn to the Bible when I need help. I pray when I need a solution to a problem. I have never even thought about what God needs. He needs me to talk to him, to follow his word. I need to put God on my radar and go more towards him instead of following my own "compass".

Maybe this is why my relationships haven't worked and they wont until I put my focus on God who truly loves my every fault, which to him, he designed for a purpose. So the question is how do I? How do I stop making excuses on why I can't or wont, and lean on him? Why dont I learn about him like he knows me inside out and fall in love with him? How do I chose to give up my life when I am not positive that he is there? I know I have so much to learn. I look forward to the day where I am content with being alone on earth but knowing I have God right by my side and I am totally okay with that.

How to kill a Goldfish, or a plant in my case.

They say you know you ready to take care of a dog, or baby when you can successfully take care of a plant or a goldfish. I have killed both of my first trials within a week or two. 

I had gone to some carnival as a child, probably for school, and was bound to win a goldfish. You know the ones that look pathetic in the plastic bags, wanting to be shook around like the crazy child in Finding Nemo? I assume I spent every ticket trying to win that fish. And I did. I was the proudest that I had my first pet. I put it in a bowl that we went out and bought, and put it on the ledge in the kitchen. My mother told me the importance of feeding it every day but not too much. I dont think I had it a week until I saw it floating in the water. I dont remember if I cried, I probably bawled, but I do remember flushing it down the toilet. It spun a couple of times around the bowl and went off to fish heaven, which I didn't know was the sewer at the time.

Just a month ago I purchased a plant. I had heard having a plant in your house is not only good for your health but it looks pretty snazzy too. I went to home depot, found a pretty one with a huge white flower. The sales lady told me it was easy to take care of. HAH! She said it was, um, durable? I forget the word, but she said it was a stable plant and wouldn't be that much of a hassle. It looked dang good the first couple of days. The leaves started to change a brown color and I didn't want to lose a plant after two days. I have 3 animals and I have managed to keep them alive, but can't keep a plant alive for more then 3 days? Pathetic. 

Thankfully I have hopefully passed that step because I have kept my animals alive for awhile now and they haven't browned or suddenly laying on their backs like a fish. 

Opportunities...

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?” —Evan Almighty

Impossible to Fix

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.

They say dont let the past define who you are. Bullshit. True french right out of my mouth 'connerie'. Dont let the past ruin you, I would say, defeat it. Let your past make you shine and help you get where you want to be.


If I hadn't been a messed up child with a messed up family, I wouldn't have the passion or drive to help messed up kids. If I hadn't of made blueberry muffins with my grandmother, I would have never learned how sweet they can be. If I didn't break up with my first love, I could be married to him, or could still wonder what if for the rest of my married life. The way the past happens, shapes us. It makes us who we are, who we hate, who we want to be and not be. 


People dont change. I have been stubborn from day one and even as a child have found ways to push people's buttons. Sending me to boarding school, wilderness and even being kicked out of my house has not fixed me. Of course I can control it and dont need to be a total porcupine and stab people with my pricks, but I will be able to push my future husband's buttons and he wont feel the need to replace me, or send me to an institution.


Bet you have heard how you can change the guy you are in the relationship with because you love them and they will eventually find the light. Nope. They are they way they are because he possibly had parents that were nut-bags and he is following in their footsteps, or had a great experience being single and doesn't want to commit. Either way a past experience, a past story, has made him the way he was, and trying to fix them or "love" them (another way to "fix" someone) is not going to change his past and his story.


I am fine being broken. I have been broken and have glued myself with crazy glue.  Hold me up to that light, and I will prove to you, how well Natalie shines, and there is no need to fix it.

Whole Enchilada

This is a picture of my Uncle Arnie. You know the family members that aren't truly blood members but have been around for ever since you were born so that is enough to classify them as family?! That would be him. He has been around since I was one day old. I see him every summer and he always likes to take me skiing and having me around as I did growing up as a child. 

He has a type of cancer that I am not sure what it is called, oh wait, pancreatic cancer. You can see it really hit him but he doesn't show it. His wife has Parkinson's disease and its now taking over. My first reaction would be sadness but when they joke about "who is racing to death first" and still making jokes about  "he would rather have Alzheimer's  because at least you dont know your losing your mind" it puts a new perspective. 

They way Uncle Arnie and Aunt Shirley interact is exactly what I look for for my future. He is so caring about her emotions and well-being. Helping her into the car, the compliments he gives her, and the love you see burning through him, makes my heart warm. They are a team and I haven't seen teams like them in this generation. Its easier to ditch then to truly work through a difficult time. When they said for better or worse, they truly meant it.

Married for 55 years, they share their stories to us at the lunch table. They both laugh at the times and Aunt Shirley adds onto the things Arnie missed. They both walk so slow, but still with each other. As he inches his way, as she shakes her hand due to the illness, they look so unimpaired, simple. 

I am not going to settle, I am going to find the prince that even when I have to wear a diaper because I can't control my bladder he wont mind. When I say stupid things and don't make sense that he knows exactly what I mean. Where he holds my heart as his prized possession and wants to nourish it and help me grow into God's great daughter, I will know that I am okay with growing old and even though I may be broken I am still the whole enchilada to him. 

Vacation from heartache.

My brother told me he had been sitting on a park bench for two hours because to put it shortly, he got ditched by his friends. I am not sure what hurts more, that he was sitting there for 2 hours because his friends were douches, or that he didn't call me to pick him up earlier.

I am not sure his thought process, never have, but I care about him so much and hurt for him. I know he gets bummed, and I know he is struggling, but he always shrugs it off. I can see he hurts and there is nothing I can do about it to help him. I feel this is how it is with most of my family right now. There is so much hurt and nothing I can do to take it away.

People say that just being there is enough, but when you see your brother trip over and over it makes you feel like you have scraped knees too. I can't imagine the emotions that come along with being a parent, but I know I will have a hard time watching my kids fall and knowing that it is part of life. How do I help, like truly help them feel better? Giving my brother money when he is broke doesn't work, listening to my mother vent doesn't solve the problem, spending time with my dad doesn't fix our relationship, and so on and so on.

Some say God is the one that fixes all. I have been having such a hard time when I see my family fall apart in front of my eyes. I am mad that I haven't gotten a break, a happy month or even week. I fall constantly and when I see my family fall in front of me, it makes me more angry. But I know things are meant to be, because he does everything for a reason, but I am hurt because I dont want my reason to be struggling for year after year. I am ready for a break, a vacation from heartache.

alive and sparkling

My grandma asked me last night if I wanted a piece of jewelry now or after she dies. I was kind of thrown off because one doesn't really like thinking of death. She told me she didn't have much precious jewelry but  had a little. Tonight she showed me what I would get, and it was a gorgeous opal. I am still not sure how I feel on whether I want it now or before she dies but I thought I would look an opal gemstone.

It is reported in their legends that the creator came down to Earth on a rainbow, in order to bring the message of peace to all the humans. And at the very spot, where his foot touched the ground, the stones became alive and started sparkling in all the colours of the rainbow. That was the birth of the Opals.

 My birthstone is opal too which is kind of a cool coincidence. The hard part is whether to take it now, or to wait. Death is a huge part to even think about and its sad that she is thinking of giving her things away now. I want her here for more years and taking the jewelry now is almost saying, okay grandma, you can die. I dont know.

Grams

I came home tonight, to find my grandma on the couch, which is unusual as she is the busiest 80 year old out there. Did you know she biked from California to Florida, when she was 75? Yep. I know pretty lucky. So as you would assume, I wasn't expecting her to be home on a Friday night.

We spent the time watching the sunset. And talking about my crazy family. I haven't had someone listen to me rant and vent. I told her about my blog and she kept wanting me to read more and more entries. It made me feel so grand that someone wanted to listen to the things that have been written from my heart. I wouldn't want to listen to someone read a ton of entries from the journal or blog, but she did, and that meant a lot to me.

I sit here upstairs listening to the beach, the waves. I am so blessed to have what I have, to be able to experience and be able to come up here. My heart hurts though. Hurts for my family that is so desperately falling apart. I haven't found that person that has been able to understand everything, but my grandma has been the ONLY person that was so interested in what I was feeling. I never saw her as someone that would sit there and listen to me vent, but she did, and it meant the world to me and made me realize that I have so much pain and hurt that no one has truly wanted to hear.

But this is a picture of my amazing spunky grandma. She is so awesome and I strive to live an exciting life like her. If I could have just a small portion of her that lives on in me, I would be the proudest granddaughter alive.

No does not mean Maybe

Do you know what the word NO means?

It doesn't mean maybe or keep asking until you get a different answer, it means NO I will not do what you are wanting me to do so please, shut the .... well, you get the picture.

I sit at the nail shop and I get asked if I want a super-de-dooper nail enhancer that will save my nails from the harsh sun, or if I want my eyebrows waxed (is that a sign that I do need them waxed?), or something else that I have to ask them to repeat what they just said because I can't speak chinese. 

Or your significant other. No I am not feeling it tonight babe. (kisses you) Babe, really I am tired. (tries to make gross moaning sounds in your ear) stop it. (keeps doing it) COME ON, did you NOT get the NO which was the first word that came out of my mouth???? 

I understand saying no may be hard for some. I have a hard time saying no to cookie dough, or pizza, or a sale in any store. I can understand where people have confusion and usually give in. But in all seriousness, if the person you are with can't accept your boundaries and your NO, then in my opinion, that should be a big sign for you, NO, NO, NO! 

But my breadsticks just asked if they wanted to be eaten and well, and I still haven't been able to say NO to them...not quite yet. 

Vacation

Vacation.
What does vacation mean to you?
I thought vacation meant total bliss, total relaxation away from the stress of work, boys, and all the other bologna.
not.
Right when I get into my destination, they say there was only some baggage (6 to be exact) that made it onto the plane. Mine hadn't come out yet, but mine was one of the 6 and since I didn't see it freaked out. Found it. Made it home and found out that my dog is so stressed she ran away, pissed herself and wouldn't eat or drink. Cool. Anyone that knows how much my dog means to me understands my dogs come before everything and anyone. Then family drama comes pouring in. Father and I get in a disagreement, brother's doing ANYTHING for some spare change, and mother can't handle any of it. Lovely how I step right in the pile of dog poop.

But I am on vacation, where everything should look like this:

and not like this

Day 5 of 14 days. How am I going to stay sane when all I miss is Lilly, and want to run away from my parents? So I took myself out of the cat situation above and did the following:

Stuck up for myself. Ding Ding :)

Moved all my crap to my grandma's where I know get to listen to the beach and feel the breeze.

Got delicious, too many calories to think about, breadsticks that are to die for and ate most of them (saving the rest for later)

And internet that is fast, and a blog that I can complain to and no one says anything back... right away.

So even though I will stress about my dog after I finish and find some more dog poop on my other shoe, I am going to go finish those other breadsticks and watch the amazing view out my window. vacation anyone?!?

List of what White people Like

Took ten minutes to get my internet up and running, or at least to this point, and still haven't figured out what to write. I could write about a stupid boy, or something of the sort, but what fun is that for the reader to write about something they have heard over and over again.

I decided to browse good ol Google for ideas on what to write. I typed in 'Fun things to write for a blog' and what popped up? Full List of Stuff White People Like. And mind you this was on the top of the list of the search. Of course I clicked on it. I went to the full list of what us white folk like trying to figure out what kind of person would make a list. Could he be white? Asian? Black? You decipher for yourself.

-Obama (all types of races like him, not me though)
-Having Gay Friends/Black Friends
-Ugly Sweater Parties
-Being Offended
-Standing Still at Concerts
-Being an expert at YOUR culture
-Coffee
-Having 2 last names

That was just a few from the list of 134. So who do you think made this? Go here and figure out yourself, it reminds me of Clue.

Technology

Wow, you know how much I take internet for granted. Not necessarily internet but FAST internet. The internet that doesn't take as slow as a slug walking. I would take internet right now that would be a slug running but Michigan doesn't have that kind of service so I am stuck.

Remember the ghetto phones that were huge? The ones that were bigger then our house phones now? Yeah me too. Even though I was too young to have them they were the coolest things. I didn't get a phone until I was 16, I think, maybe 17. I know, I know, kids now have them when they are 5 and I got mine when I was 16?! Rebel child right here. Now kids carry them around and I see little girls being bigger divas then the women on The View. I hear them say
   OH my god I know (giggle giggle)
   I will ask my mom if we can have a sleep-over.

BLAH BLAH. I remember having the house phone, where if someone wanted to talk there was only one phone in the entire house. My parents raised me well, so if someone called I would say "hello this is Natalie" so they knew what kid I was I guess. How about when a boy called? You would be on the phone flirting away and giggling and then your mother would get on:
   Natalie dinner is ready
   me:  MOM!!!!!! OKAY, I am on the PHONEEE.
   Who is it? (my mom in her wondering cutesie tone of voice) Hello?

Then the poor boy who was probably talking about stuff that he wouldn't say to my mom in front of her face and is wondering if she had been ease-dropping on the conversation says
   Its so-and-so Ms. Carleton.

And my mother would butt in on MY conversation, with MY boy crush and ask embarrassing questions.

I really think a teenager who was annoyed with ease-dropping invented the cell phone. Thank the heavens for them. It is truly amazing at how technology has come. I imagine when I have kids they will have invented something that makes me lose more and more connection with the kiddos.

Secrets to Survive.

I hate what I am doing to me. Lilly runs under the bed and wont come near me. Lucy stares confused. I hate myself for it, but do it for the finish line, or what I think is.

Yes I feel sometimes secrets are needed to survive. Makes you know that not everybody "knows" what you have been through or thinks they understand. If they dont know this secret then they wont be able to. 

"sometimes its better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is yourself"

Few, or more, of my favorite things...

The feel of clean sheets and clean body mixed together.

The smell of rain in Arizona (its sweet smell is amazing).

Full tank of gas minus the amount it took to fill up.

When a child that has had no true love for most of his life tells you 'I love you'.

Lilacs.

Funny pictures of random things that make you laugh, even if its by yourself.

Water when you are super thirsty.

Peeing after you've had to go and been holding it in for a very long time.

Mom.

When your face is clear for more then a couple of days.

When you have money in your bank account and can spend some of it.

Christmas lights, music, and anything to do with Christmastime.

Bubble baths.

The way goose-bumps form when you stand in the sun after being indoors.

Feeling pretty, even if its just for a minute.