Wiseass

 

Your flaws are beautiful. They’re what make you stand out. Don’t try to be normal, perfect, striving to be something or someone that you will never accomplish. Be annoying, be quirky, be different. In truth, it takes a hell of a lot more strength to resist, than to go along with the flow. Stray from the path. What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter. Let them be boring, let them be the same, as unnoticeable as the people around them. Wear flowers in your hair, mismatching socks, and thousands of multi-colored bracelets. Press all those damn buttons in the elevator, and piss off everyone around you. Have fun now, because there’s always plenty of time to be boring in the future. -Chiang

Bubble-Gum

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:  

This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.

I fell in love with this quote. Amazing how many times we allow other people, magazines, parents, friends, and society "guide" us in their opinion on how one should: dress, eat, talk, and I swear  even the way we use the restroom. How dare a person look at someone for more then three seconds while chewing bubble-gum and drinking a coke while gossiping. BUT wait. Parents say not to chew and talk at the same time, so I can't talk and eat bubble gum. And magazines say that bubble-gum makes you look to highschool, and mints are the new thing, but what would they know because that would be gossip-talk which my parents said I shouldn't.

ENOUGH!

So how exactly do you find YOU, inside a world that is so full of the ideals that we are supposed to be? I have no earthly idea. I think there was one moment when I didn't care the way I looked, which was when I was sent away to the desert. When you are out with no shower, or razor for 9 weeks, who the hell cares? I didn't and neither did the other 8 smelly girls who had long armpit hair like me.

Thinking has always got to me. I will take one thought and put it in so many loops and hoops that I dont even know what my main thought was in the beginning. How do I think for myself? My mother still to this day loves to "suggest" books that will seriously "change your view on things". I would be thinking through others if I truly followed the books. I guess its taking what you feel and applying it to your life. If it works, great, if not, well I guess that's a book my mother will have to take to someone else. Like my thinking? :)

Loving. So many different meanings in such a small four letter word. Emotionally, I love with my whole heart, or at least I try. There is such a thing as lovingly hitting your brother, or lovingly forgetting to do something your mother told you to do, right? Physically, your gonna have to ask the men that will never forget me. But that can be a different topic. Love can be defined in so many ways. I think I have love down pretty well.

The question is do I love myself enough to be okay with everything that has to do with me. Happy with my weight... never will be. Happy with the relationship I have with God. Nope. Happy with the way I crave drama, carbs, or the love for sales? Not to much. But if I didn't have struggles and challenges every day that I need to work on, I would be one boring person. And lets face it. I will chew bubble-gum, while talking about how those pants are WAY too tight on that boy, and still lovingly hit my brother when he is being dumb.

Rings on Saturn

YES :))

Grow Up...

There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.

Baby Cakes...

I feel like I have spent a lot of my years being unhappy with the past men I have been with. And I have found someone like gets ME, just for me, and loves my heart. Its one of the best feelings I have ever had, and I dont want to lose it. And for the first time, when he says he wont leave me, I know that it is true.

So how do I get so lucky? I dont know. I am blessed to be in someone's life that wants me there and where I want to be there too. Bob Marley says it so perfectly so I am going to let him take it from here.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

xoxo baby cakes... 

Walking on Eggshells...

Past couple days. Hell.

I don't even want to get into it because I am tired of crying about it. I pride myself in working with kids and feel my heart was meant to help people and I really feel like I am having to question myself in who I am. I KNOW I am a good person with amazing traits but I shouldn't have to work an environment where they tell me I need to "walk on eggshells".

Well, the paragraph above makes it sound sketchy. Basically Derek, was on my background on my phone. A girl asked who he was and I said it was a friend that died and missed him so I put him as my background. She asked how he died. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say so I said the truth. He killed himself. Well, she went home and told her dad, which in turned emailed my boss. My boss pulled me in the next day and I had no clue what was going on. She didn't close the door and reamed me out while all of my co-workers were outside the door, listening to my mess up.

I was devastated, because one, I felt like I had been put in a situation that I wasn't even prepared for and was embarrassed in front of my coworkers. I have never gotten in any trouble with any of my jobs and it really threw me through a loop because I didn't feel that a small conversation would have such an effect. I sent an email that night apologizing and asking next time that they respect my privacy because that wasn't a professional way to talk about a situation.

So today they pulled me in ONCE again, and my boss closed the door this time (thank-you), and said that the dad had called again and said he was thinking about pulling the kids out of the program because of the incident. They said I should walk on eggshells  (I had already started crying out of guilt and the way I had been beating myself up about this for a day already). I said I would apologize to the dad and do what I had to to make the situation better. I know I should have cut off the conversation with the girl, but everyone, and me feels that this situation the dad is making of this is going to far. Did I mention my boss did say sorry but had a huge BUT right after. thanks.

Well I needed to vent and so after calling my mom and balling my eyes out I called another person who I thought would make me feel lighter about the incident. I explained to a certain someone what happened. They replied that my boss had a reason to be upset but that my boss should have handled it better. It REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. I felt that person was being fair, but I wanted comfort more then fairness. When I do wrong I feel bad enough that I dont need to be told I was wrong, I can beat myself up enough thank you. It wasn't that the person gave me wrong advice or anything, I just needed comfort that I was a good person and not to feel even more guilty that  "you knew you probably did wrong right after you said it".

The truth is, I wasn't feeling bad. It is life and yes I was caught of guard but I didn't want to lie about someone I loved so much. I can't fix what I did and maybe with all the guilt I want to blame it on someone else. I am frustrated that if Derek wasn't dead this would have never happened. I would be able to have a picture of Derek and I hanging out on a  weekend, put it as my background instead of a old picture on my background so I dont lose him in my past memories.

This was really the last frosting on my piece of cake this week. The stress that has been building has been stressful, and I dont want to walk on eggshells.

Choose Happiness...

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Pinch Yourself...

GUESS WHAT? 

The boyfriend didn't get scared, he actually LIKED everything from the previous entry. haha keeper for sure. I am work, and its later then when I usually write my entries, so pardon me if I slip out of the realm of comprehension. Does that even make sense? Nonetheless, I am listening to classical music (hopefully keeps the kiddos calm and wanting to sleep, I know it is working for me) and writing to you. 

I am not sure what to write. Of course I could write of the vagueness of my life. I wonder how people stay awake during so many overnights? I am here blinking my eyes hard and staring up at the ceiling multiple times. I am not even sure if this helps. 

I was looking on the internet for tips on staying awake, here are some of the random ones I found:

1. Pinch yourself: um hello I dont need to have tons of red marks from trying to keep myself from dozing, that will raise numerous questions I dont want to answer.
2. Fasting at mealtime: anyone that has seen me, knows that this is IMPOSSIBLE
3. Tickle the top of your mouth cavity... uh? 
4. Go home "sick": haha I wouldn't have a paycheck if this were the case.
5. Take a hike: I could take a hike in circles?!
6. Deal with job Burnout: I like my job, normal human beings dont stay up 10-7 AM
7. Close your eyes... imagine your parents having relations: Gross
8. Invite your mother-in-law over: oh the stories I could see

I think I will leave that to that for tonight :)) 

Hope yall are sleeping well, for me, I guess I may try some of them above haha

A girl can dream... right?

Everyone is getting married, so I am hoping that by putting my dreams and ideas down maybe it wont make me want it as badly as I do right now. Here are a few ideas, as I am sure mine will tweak once I get to that planning part, but for the most part this is what I have always dreamed of.

LOCATION: I want to get married in my hometown, of Boyne City Michigan.

Actual sunset right outside my grandma's condo. How lucky am I to get these views every summer?

RING: I really like this style and I KNOW once you find true love the ring doesn't matter but it doesn't hurt to give suggestions ;)

Its the one on the right. I like the vintage but classy feel

RECEPTION: I want an outdoors, family fun, casual but sophisticated feel. I want it to be everything I have dreamed and some of these pics are some of the things I would like

Love the casual but elegant feel

The romantic feel of the lighting

The sophisticated beauty

The family atmosphere

I can't wait to share that special time, the celebration, excitement, with friends, and family and the one I get to grow old with. I could post so many pictures because I find something in everyone that I could possibly incorporate into my dream wedding. But until then

A girl can dream.... right?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering

Tonight is going by so slowly already. It is only 11:43. So I said earlier today that I might be writing a longer entry today. I am not sure what to write though... Any ideas?

I found out my mom is going to stay in Michigan another week because " she needs to talk with my grandma's doctor" which I believe is an excuse to stay in her beautiful hometown longer. I can see right through her. I am glad she is going to stay, but I am going to miss her. She always seems to stop by in the most perfect times. I wont be able to see her for another week and a half now. Lucky duck can take vacations whenever she wants.

So everyday for the past week I want to say, I have been thinking of you know who, Derek. It could be because my background on my phone and computer is him, and I have photos of him in my bedroom. If no one knew the situation they may certainly think I was a creeper, as any normal human being would. On my phone background, he looks so young. It was taken in high-school, probably when he was a freshman, but it looks like one of the kids that I should be baby-sitting.  I hate that as I grow older, the wrinkles that will be sagging along with every other object on my body, he will still remain the young boy that took his life at too young of an age. I hate that he wont be able to grow old, and be able to tell his crazy stories to his grandchildren and he wont be able to sag in all the horrible places we are dreading. I know it sounds so simple but I try to picture him growing old like I am. 

I am definitely not at the wrinkles, but I am to the stage where I am on my own, for the most part, and still trying to figure out where I fit in, in this huge vast world. My ideas, thoughts, and emotions change every day. I am still just trucking through hoping that where he is he is able to see that he can still "grow old" with me if he wants to :))

Growing old actually is scary. I went running today for 20 minutes. Actually it was probably more like 13 with all the stops and wheezing I was doing. Or it was the trying to find all the motivational pump me up songs I was trying to find. Either way I kept finding reasons I couldn't run. When I did run, it was probably more of a sight to see. I was sweating horribly, and my shorts were riding up, which I had always made fun of when I saw people run. I am not that twig anymore and I swear that those pizza rolls has something against me. I had eaten too many so I decided to jump into the other hate relationship, chips. BAD IDEA. This only lead to me feeling so stinking fat that I had to do something. So running for 13 minutes, or should I say surviving gave me the justification that I could eat what I did. Now my butt is sore and I ran only 5 hours ago. oh lawdy.

What really has been interesting is that the boyfriend doesn't care. I mean we sat in HS next to each other when I had the most banging body ever. Granted I was depressed so I was way to thin, but he loves me for the body I have now. I am kinda worried he is in a spell. I am just waiting for him to snap out of it and run out the door. He says he wont and that he will never leave me. If I was skinny miss priss natalie that I was back in HS, I probably wouldn't care if he walked out the door, because I could have plenty more men, but now that my self is not where I wanted, my self-esteem isn't either, so I am more nervous then ever about him leaving. Either way, it is nice to be loved by someone that loves you for the way you are, with no strings attached.

So enough of a novel tonight. Sweet dreams to all you lucky bitches being able to sleep. I envy you.

 yes this is what I shall do... the end

BE-AUtIFUL

BE-AUTIFUL day outside, and I will be sleeping through most of it because work will be what is on the agenda. Be prepared for a long blog. I feel one creeping up inside of me :))

Believe

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

YOU!

And then my soul saw you and it kind of went “Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.

On my Own

Holy Moly---- It has been forever since I have graced you with my presence.  I know you have missed me. haha.

I am struggling, even though I shouldn't be. I have a wonderful family, boyfriend, a job, awesome pets, and a great apartment, yet I still feel kind of empty. I guess after writing this it makes me feel even stupider that I am feeling what I am feeling.

Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try to tell your point of view, try to make the other person understand the way you feel, it never seems to get across?

I had a stupid fight, which was mostly in part because of stupid things, but the outcome was the hardest part to come. The person said that she couldn't see me as her friend anymore. I couldn't believe that someone could say that especially when the previous day it was 'your my best friend' and 'I love you' were said. I have never been the one to walk up and leave, my heart loves to much. I strove to get my friend back after all the lies and mean things that were said. I couldn't walk away after everything that had happened. She was the biggest part of me and we were like sisters and I finally had gotten her back only to be afraid of losing her again. Every since becoming friend I haven't been able to trust. She made countless people turn away from me and she even said she hated me. I have to watch what I say because the fight that had happened is what made me not want to say anything in the first place.

So how do we go back? There is no turning back, only growing, and I am not sure if either of us are ready to let go of the past and move on. We are both stubborn and both take everything to heart. I wish there was a way to make everything be ok.

I know that being a lover, friend, sister, or anything of the sorts takes work. "I've always known who I am. I might not work perfectly, or be like them, but that's okay. I know I work in my own way". I just hope and pray that I can be humble enough to know when I am wrong, and know when it is time to let go and just love.

Where is the LOVE?

hey there blog. sitting on my bed, and haven't moved for the past couple of hours. I feel like I need to be running around trying to get ready for work tonight. Thankfully I dont but I have been in go mode for the past week that my body is so used to always moving.

So I got in a semi-fight with one of my friends tonight. I have been worried that this day would come once we became friends again. Now I am not sure what to do. I know that when we see each other next it will be freaking awkward. She is not the one to say sorry first and I dont feel like I did anything to wrong. I mean I probably didn't need to say some of the things I said and I should apologize for that but I dont want to be the one to apologize. I find it weird that most fights I have gotten into have been over a guy or because of what a guy did or didn't do.

BUT, I dont feel like getting into that tonight, not really wanting to. Tomorrow I get feather extensions in my hair. Super excited. So I am going to finish watching time traveler and cry my freaking eyes out.

Night.

Dreaming...

I am trying to think positively. I haven't turned on the air for I think about a month. CONSERVE. Its hard to keep that in my mind while I am sitting on my bed, steamy and hot. Not that kind of hot, trust me I am not that kind of attractive right now haha.

I am watching Time Traveler's Wife. Took some nyquil, and hoping I fall asleep before I start to cry. I am not sure why I bought this movie in the first place, maybe the hopeful that the romantic love story would be able to keep me occupied on this night. The actor in the movie isn't that bad looking so its not like the whole movie is a bore. I couldn't imagine not being able to stay in the same spot. Always traveling and never knowing when you are going to move on to the next place and never knowing if you would wake up next to the person you love. Luckily I am not a time traveler and not planning to marry a time traveler.

I am going to cut off short tonight. Whenever tv or something is on, my mind kind of shuts off. So I am going to bid you adoo, or however you call it and say goodnight.

I will dream of you always.... xoxo 

Since its fat Tuesday, I might as well :))

Frenzy...

Figure that, I am not really in the mood to write. But when you are bored at work and there isn't chaos, I am not sure what else there is to do. All I have left is laundry to do, and that doesn't take much time. It is 2:18 and morning staff doesn't come until 6.

I have already looked through craigslist, stalked enough people on Facebook, and stared at the ceiling more then 20 times, so I am left with you. Ah the glories.

So tonight I emailed back and forth with a guy from Oakley, my boarding school. It is great how God knows when to put someone in your life. I was struggling with this problem and needed advice and what do you know? He wrote me.  LOVE IT

I am really all over the place tonight. Ah, tiredness. I was sitting trying to figure out the thermostat and could not figure it out to save my life. I am not even going to go in to try and explain it now, because I am afraid my mind is STILL not functioning at it's proper level. So I am just going to let me booty heat or freeze itself.

I am so ready for my bed. I have a long list of things I need to do tomorrow, but snuggling up with my pups sounds so marvelous right now.

I got to get off, and up. My eyelids are dropping :( Pray that I make it...

I don't TRUST him...

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be

At work again, fancy that. And just re-read the post from last night. Ah, almost started crying. I can just imagine one of my kiddos coming out from their room asking Miss Natalie why are you crying? 

I started reading the shack. There is a part I want to 'journal' about. Mack who is the main character in the book, lost his daughter in a horrible event and now questions God about everything, who is is, why he is here. I read a part that just hit home, its what I question whenever I truly think about who God is.

Humans are so lost and damaged that to you it is almost incomprehensible that people could work or live together without someone being in charge... The real underlying flaw in your life, Mack, is that you dont think I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything- means, the ends, and all the processes of individuals lives- is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't.

Holy crap. I dont trust God. I dont trust him with anything. I haven't read past that part because I am just so stunned that the reason I am not close to him is because I dont trust him. If I trusted him, my crappy past, my inability to love, grow, and teach would be nourished. I would be able to fill my heart with the love my dad will never give me. I will be able to let go of my highschool days.

But when I do, that means I wont have baggage, and I feel that the baggage I have carried around with me is what makes me ME. That is why I wanted to work with crazy kids. That is why I can relate to the world around me, is because of my past. How do I leave my baggage, put trust in God, and still live my life with purpose. I know there are speaker out there who had a crazy past and talk about it and teach kids that there is more to life, but I dont want to be a speaker. My past motivates me and also hinders me. 

I went to a retreat called DISCOVERY, that really was about discovering who you can be. I found that my setback was trying to gain the love from my father that I will never be able to attain. The leaders said I needed to let go, but how can I let go with the man that provided for me, and who still does today? He had a messed up life, but why should I hold that against him? I get so confused and I am hoping that this book will give me some more WOW's, because I am completley, and utterly, lost and trying to find that filler for my heart.

(maybe I will start with just loving myself) :))

Heaven is the Goal...

Took some cold medicine. Took some airborne. Took a hot shower. And now writing to you, while listening to some Lifehouse. It is one of those nights.

I am listening to From Where You Are. Some nights I think of Derek, other times I think of someone I want to miss.

Tonight its Derek. "yeah I miss you, and I wish you, were here". I can see his smile. I can hear his laugh. I can feel his fingers, pruned from swimming. I can smell his hair, still chlorine filled and dry, and pretty crazy and wild.

I dont know why, but I always love what I can't have. When it is there begging me to be loved I yearn for something I can't have. He wanted me at one point. He wanted to take me out on a date, he wanted to be mine. And of course I was more interested in the assholes, the wanna- be bad guys. I wanted a challenge and that wasn't him. He was always there, waiting, until he couldn't wait anymore. I love a man that died, and took his life. Maybe this is so messed up to say, and I can see a certain person getting mad over me saying this.  But I want to be as close as I can get to him. I can't touch a picture and get all of those senses, the chlorine, his fingers, everything.

I crave for him to say something. I am afraid of not being able to hear him talk. I am afraid my memories are going to fade and he will fade too into the dark. I am not sure how to keep him alive. I want to be happy and celebrate his life, but how can I when he was in a deep hole for such a long time. He was so sad and no one reached out and he jumped. I can't imagine how he felt right before he died. I see tears streaming down his face, contemplating, and I feel like I stand there seeing all of his emotions and watch it happen and there is nothing I can do. I know its a fucked up image, but I can't help it. Maybe its as close as I will get to feel where he was.

I wonder what he is doing, what his heart says. I always heard that when you are in Heaven you can see anything, the past and such. It keeps me going, knowing that maybe he can see my heart and know that I miss him, and love his heart. I am trying so hard not to cry, not to break down and cry once again. Its been almost 7 months and I feel like it was just yesterday.

I am so excited to see him, hug him, tell him how awesome he is, and how lucky I was to know such a lucky guy who touched so many people. It will be amazing, and that is what gets me through with missing him, knowing that earth is just a phase, that heaven it the goal.

"I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face,
Just know that wherever you are,
I miss you,
and I wish you, were here.
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way sun shine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought they would mean everything to me.
Yeah I miss you,
and I wish you were here.
So far away from where you are, worlds apart."

Love

Forever...

Hey there long lost world, I didn't know if you exsisted this past weekend. Ah so much to tell, but I am going to be more wise about what I say on here as well, there are people that read it :)) That is a good thing and a bad thing.

This picture says more then what they eye can see. Forever is just an easy word to say but not truly mean. There is a line from a song that Ben Harper sings. 

"People spend so much time every single day 

running 'round all over town giving their forever away 

but no not me i won't let my forever roam"

I feel like I have given so many of my forever's away and I am not sure if any of them really were forever. Sure, maybe at the time I really thought that it would be forever, or even hoped for it to be that I said it. I am ready for forever though. I am ready to spend my days with that one person for the rest of my life. I want to grow old but be able to grow younger and and learn more about me. 

Its going to take a certain guy though. 

I am bitchy, mostly all of the time

like to eat raw pancake batter,

impatient when driving behind a grandma

give advice rather then listening (working on this)

dont like my socks to be on a certain way or I freak out

shop to much

can't sleep if there is noise or light

and many others

BUT.... I am 

big-hearted

loveable

sexy

have pretty hair

brown eyes

nice butt

awesome friend

amazing lover

And hopefully some guy will come along and sweep me off my feet, love me for all the dang quirks I have and help me grow as I help him grow...

SO... any takers? I will be taking applications <3