The Dogs we love...

I have weird dogs, as I am sure you may put your dog under this section as well. If their licking doesn't annoy you, its the chewing of the leg finding the itch that happens to last longer then the birds and bees talk.

Yesterday getting ready for a hot date, with the roommate, I had laid some really NICE pair of heels out to wear. My little dog had a rawhide right next to her that I had just given to her not more then 20 minutes ago. I would be more apathetic if she had this treat for awhile and just got tired of the taste, but somehow the heel of my shoes looked way better. And the most annoying part of this was I told her no, she looked at me, then slowly, eyeing me the entire time starts mouthing (not chewing) the heel. It was kind of a slap in the face. If she had ignored me I would have told her a bit more sternly, but nope, she knew what she was doing the entire time.

My other dog, hates running. She gets excited to go out and sniff the yonder, but once I start running, she immediately decides running isn't for her. So I tried going slow, she went slower. Tried going fast, she stayed the same. So now I just run and then when I can't see her I jog in place and call her name until she gives me the "I hate you mom" as she drags up beside me. This has been going on for awhile. Today  20 minutes into the run she spots a squirrel, and she is off like a puppy, bounding over rocks, tree stubs like an antelope. Come on, really? All that energy just waiting for a squirrel? Right after the squirrel went up the tree and into the abyss, Lucy became her laggy ol self. That is until I asked her the 3 magic words. These magic words aren't I love you or good dog Lucy, they are, ARE YOU HUNGRY? She runs back to the house, surpasses me and Lilly and has more energy then I have seen. So as you imagine I say these 3 words quite a bit. Its like playing a video game and getting a turbo star with energy, or energizing bunny with that annoying smile and stupid sunglasses.

But even with the surprises I receive when coming home (anything left on the counter chewed up on the floor, chewed underwear, pillow, or anything of the sorts) its nice to know that my weirdness is NOTHING compared to my lovely animals.

Lyrics from the Heart

My blog is going to be a mixture of lines from songs I love.

I want to hold your hand (Beatles)
Even if it leads nowhere (Adele)
Some people think that the physical things, define what's within (Alicia Keys)
I knew that this was different from the start (Andy Grammer)


I just lay here and think about nothing in particular, just life (weather)
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago (Switchfoot)
I take a deep breath and count to 10, Today’s a new day I’ll start again (Chrisette Michele)
Because you're forever young and you know that you got my tomorrow baby (Citizen Cope)


I have to tell myself only I can be the one to make a change. (Colbie Caillat)
Where are we? What the hell is going on? (Imogen Heap)
I don't want to be the one to say goodbye (Ingrid Michaelson)
God help me keep me moving somehow (Julie Roberts)


Let me spell it out, plain and simple now (Mat Kearney)
Like sunlight burning at midnight (Francesca Battistelli)
The moon above you and the streets below. (Parachute)
No matter how hard you resist it, it never rains when you want it to (Norah Jones)
It's your faith that makes you stronger the only way you get there is one step at a time (Sparks)

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

Hello, its been 3 days, 4 hours, and 18 minutes since you told me you love me. Why you ask have I been counting? Because right before those 2 days, 4 hours and 19 minutes you took me in your arms, whispered those three words and said you’d talk to me soon. My heart still spun and the butterflies still flew. But you didn’t. And I am still waiting.

True we weren’t the best. You pushed my buttons, as I pressed yours. But we worked. You made me feel like the schoolgirl on the playground who was picked first. Special. You made me nervous, like the first day of college, ready for the new adventure and life. Scared. The confidence you radiated was something I had wanted and tried to gain for years and you made it look easy.

You took that special, nervous and scared, and walked out that door promising something you knew you weren’t going to keep in the first place. I am mad you think its okay to do what you did. It isn’t. I have feelings, a heart, and there are girls that put that on the line. I was afraid to and once I did, sometime between hello and nothing you didn’t want it, and left.

I sat up wondering what I did. Over and over, I ran the memories and times in my head. Fast forwarding, rewinding, and trying to find a clue. I couldn’t find it. Then something hit me. You did what you could. You tried as much as you could. I did what I could and tried as much as I could as well, but it wasn’t enough. And as much as it hurt to see you walk out and leave me with confusion, hurt and anger I realized that if you could do better you would.

So boy, I forgive you. I forgive you that it took my heart to see what you can and can’t do. My heart is strong and has done harder things so it took it. It still hurts but remember when you were a kid and saw lightning bugs flickering. You wanted to catch it. You saw one turn on and off, and as soon as you got near to try and catch it, it disappeared? You look around waiting for it to turn back on? Then you see another one, and then try and catch that one. Maybe some fireflies aren’t made to be caught yet. But when you catch one and keep it safe and hold it precious to your heart, it will glow bright for you.

Sincerely-

The girl that is still glowing.

Pretty Baby...

Pretty Baby by the Spin Doctors.

I am at work and this song comes on. It explains me in a nutshell.

“Look around your world pretty baby

Is it everything you hoped it’d be?

The wrong guy the wrong situation”

And look into your heart pretty baby

Is it aching with some aimless need

Is there something wrong and you can’t put your finger on it?

And I don’t think I have ever seen a soul so in despair

So if you want to talk the night through

Guess who will be there

So don’t try to deny pretty baby

You’ve been down so long

You can hardly see

When the engines stall and it won’t stop raining

It’s the right time to

Roll with me

Roll with me

Roll with me”

I have been in a dang slump for a while now. And I really can’t put my dang finger on it. Is it work, my living situation or just nothing? I want to be that Natalie that was freaking awesome months ago who was confident and wore a smile more then tears rolling down her face. I have now invested in waterproof mascara.

I am searching for that little light in me that shown bright. Trying to find that happiness I lived for. It seems that whether it’s a roommate I never see, a boy who attempted to break me, a job that is physically making me ill, I am allowing it to break me. That’s not who I am. I have gone through way worse, have struggled harder and cried longer. This shouldn’t put my soul in despair.

I just have to reach a little deeper, see that boys should still have cooties, and that there will always be a Monday that sucks to go to work. I have a beautiful heart, and a smile that will help someone’s day. I have two dogs that love me, a mother that stands by me, and just that… those things make me a pretty lucky girl if you ask me 

I want to be a DOG!

I want to be a dog.

A cute dog.

A dog that has pretty eyes that can give I am cute, pathetic, feed me the last piece of your steak kind of look.

I want to be able to lay around, lick my butt and have it be a normal thing.

I want to bask in the sun, tongue out, lounging.

Be able to get spurts of energy and run around in circles. Chasing my tail and the accomplishment of the day being when I finally get it.

Eating. Bits of food from my adoring owner, whining, giving my “I have never been fed in my entire life” eyes.

I will get scratched daily, as my foot thumps like the rabbit from Bambi, my head leaning into the scratch until my head reaches the ground.

I want to be thrilled by staring at trees all day long as those stupid squirells beg me to chase them up the tree. I want to bug the cat and chase it down the hall.

Being excited to go for a ride, my ears flapping as I hang my head out the window, smelling all the other dogs, and fast-food restaurants.

The “what a cute dog” comments as I walk proudly after I just got bathed.

The baths and after I roll around in the dirt, my owner yelling, but truly feeling free.

The squeaky toys, stuffed animals, and balls that contain treats that truly get me frustrated. 

And at the end of the night, crawling under the sheets up to my owner, getting multiple kisses and a good dog.

Feeling that I am wanted and I have the responsibility to watch over someone.

I want to be a dog.

Meeting the cast of Mulan...

I was hovering the throne of pity, embarrassment, and too many gin and tonics with extra limes. How amazing the toilet seat was, my head not leaving the side. Thankfully I was at my house and I had just recently cleaned it the day before. My breath rancid, my cheeks covered with mascara. A picture of misery.

 The sad thing was I didn’t truly mean tot get belligerent. Rooms, neighbor and I were on our way to wal-mart on a Friday night, which is pretty lame to me, especially if you have it off. Only people with no life go there, still dressed in their pajamas. We all decided probably sub-consciously that were one of those people, and decided to go out. Get a few drinks. And that we did.

After a bit of talking, rooms and I decided to go inside to get a drink. Sitting at the bar this guy who reminded me of the teacher lady from Mulan, the one who has dark hair and make-up painted on and fails Mulan at the “lady” test? He didn’t look like that exactly but very similar features. Thankfully he had two other attractive friends. He came up to us and very un-soberly said, “Lemme buy you your drinks.” I thanked him nicely but declined. He came up again, lifting his eyebrows and said “Honey I can buy this bar twice.” Technically I could buy a couple rounds too, be broke after but, come on, really? He bought eight shots, two times. Chit chatted with the two guys and then it hit me.

 I felt it. My head starting to not comprehend the conversation. Nodding, laughing, not knowing a clue what they were talking about. Something sugar level that only needed a head nod needing my brain to be involved. Lines were getting blurred. I knew I should’ve stopped 2 shots ago. We had left our neighbor outside, which seemed forever ago. We stayed a bit longer and that's when I lost it.

You know when you close your eyes and your constantly on the Gravatron, spinning? Its better to keep your eyes open then to get on the ride of death? My poor toilet that only sees bare ass got to see my beautiful face puking my guts out. I know people may have had this experience more then once, or twice. Still drunk the next day, crawling to get an advil and water. But seriously I dated a guy in college that would do this nightly and it grossed me out that he had this kind of talent. Every night, passing out, getting up and doing it again and again. Nothing against that, but dang. They must have stomachs of steel, heads of fluff, and must  have loved the ride of spinning as a child. The feeling of wanting to die the next morning leaves me satisfied that I shouldn’t do it again. So I wont until next time when Mulan’s teacher asks to buy me a round or 2.

Come to my Door...

I love you.
That's what you told me.
Does love run?
Yes, especially when it hurts.
BUT, come to my door.
Tell me you love me, that I am special, and that the way I laugh is perfect. My setting up my Christmas tree in August, is quite odd, but you wouldn't have it any other way.
That lounging on my bed with 3 obnoxious animals is what you truly want. Coffee mornings, late night meals and listening to norah. Perfect. Simple. Complete.
Don't run.
Because what if I told you... that I love you to?

For the girls with a broken heart....

My heart broke. My body got cold and my heart sunk. I wasn't wanted. I wasn't needed. When your heart gets broken for the first time its as if its bruised, literally hurts to breathe. As time goes on, it still beats, but with a limp, which isn't how it was in the beginning, when you were naive and untouched.

Before love, love was Barbies, tutus and sleep-overs. It was rainbow sprinkles that covered your ice cream and glitter shoes that danced with every step. Love was simple. It was a goodnight kiss from your mom, Christmas morning and summer nights. Discomfort was being "it" at recess and timeouts that lasted ten minutes. No one said my heart would walk out at the tender age of 17, and they never said heart breaks would still hurt, time after time. You're supposed to learn from the guys that listen to 'punk' music, who wear their pants below their waist, who is still a 'mama's boy' and loves beer more then school. It a huge sign that they aren't wanting to hold your precious heart. Yet we keep getting ourselves tangled in their smile, their eyes that shine as if its the lighthouse in the night, their truck that looks like a white horse ready to carry you to the sunset.

But somewhere that ship gets lost, the white horse doesn't show, and their eyes get dim and we're left wondering if we were enough. You want to know the truth? You weren't enough. You were too much. Too much brilliance to keep. You didn't need a light house, even if you thought you did.

When you were little you were told you would do amazing things. They never said you needed a boy to help you. Your ship has its own light. Change the light-bulb. You danced by yourself in your tutu and you were enough, a princess who didn't need a prince to show you what you were worth.

Remember when you were 16 and driving for the first time by yourself? The independence you felt? The nervous heart-beating, palms sweating as you drove down the road? It might have been nerve racking but you did it, just you. A boy doesn't need to drive you to your sunset. You were able to do it alone and you'll be able to do it again.

And remember the eyes that you used to look at that looked back at you? Go to the mirror, look at the eyes that are looking back at you. Though they are bloodshot from crying, though they might hurt from feeling as if your not enough for anyone, you are. Your unique. No one has the smile you do. The way you dance when you have a day off or just because a song is on, bring that girl back who danced with confidence that was bright and unstoppable.

No girl has your heart. It beats to its own tune. It will break though. But I promise those breaks will make you stronger. Remember when your dad said your a princess? Your mom said your beautiful? Your teacher said you were smart? Believe it. Wear those traits on your sleeve. When you want to break down, know God created something just for you. A path that may have guys that like beer more then school, and times where you want to go back to days where glitter was the best thing created.

God created a path that was just for you. If he didn't think you could do it he wouldn't have given you a sucky boss, a boy who uses you, or a father who will never be the dad you need. God gave you the roughness to make you a great leader, a girl who wont settle and a parent who will love endlessly. So when your down and bruised and dont see your heart being whole again, God is not done. Not yet.

The 100 workout

What do you want for your last meal? I just finished stuffing my face with hashbrowns and eggs. You thought I was on a diet or trying to get in shape right? Well I just about died working out.

I tumblr, is that the word?, and found this picture that read like this

100 workout

100 jumping jacks

90 crunches

80 squats

70 leg lifts

60 jumping jacks

50 crunches

40 squats

30 leg lifts

20 jumping jacks

10 minute run

On here it looks pretty easy right? HELL to the NAW. I decided to do 100 jumping jacks before the 10 minute run to mix it up a bit. After 5 minutes I looked like this

So I stop and decided to do the squats. I am probably not doing how the pros do it but I did it to the best of my ability and so my knee caps didn't fall out. For a tiny moment I thought I might do the rest of the jumping jacks, but forgot I didn't tell anyone where I was and someone wouldn't know where to begin once they knew I was dead from exercising. Ya right, that would be the last place they looked.

I ran home, exhausted and sweating like an old fat man that just had a beer and trying to just stay alive. That doesn't make sense because why would a guy run when he just had a beer? Oh well you get the point. I get home decided hell, just finish it. And I did barley. Five minutes after the workout, or should I call it a mirage because it sure dont look like a workout on paper, my legs start shaking. Then my arms and every time I bend down my abs hurt. And this is after 5 stinking minutes. Oh lawd, I am about to go to bed and I dont even want to know what I feel like when I get up.

My friend Lauren took me to the gym and made me run 3 miles hard after not having worked out in over 5 months. I couldn't move the next day. Everywhere hurt. Stand, sit, even pee. This guy above looks like a gem compared to what I looked like. So hopefully I can at least pee when I wake up.

I had a marvelous breakfast though. I will let you know if I make it by tomorrow. And if you think your tuff stuff and can do this, bug off :))

Can you Hold me Together...

The phone kept ringing. No answer yet again. I knew it would be the last call I would make where I heard:

“Can you hold me together

Can your love reach down this far

Can you hold me together

Cause without you holding my heart

I’m falling apart”

Sadly I wasn’t listening to the words of the song. I was hoping, praying that the call would be answered, for the words that I had been wanting to hear come from the other side. But it was silent. And so was I. How could I have believed that he could hold my life together when I couldn’t hold it together myself?

I turned on the radio, hoping the Christian station would give some inspiration, some “light” that could help my hurting heart. This song was playing, the same song that I heard while calling, except this time instead of looking at it as a guy holding my heart I looked at it as God holding my heart. How could this be? Instead of just part of the song, it was the entire song singing to me, just for me:

“I’m feeling stronger

with you by my side

And I realize you are my hope...”

Wishing, hoping, that he would save me, a boy who wouldn’t cherish me truly as much as God. Letting myself be used and looking for fault in the other person, instead of looking at me. Seeing what I wasn’t seeing, that my broken heart wasn’t going to be fixed by a guy who didn’t care about it. People say things happen for a reason, and maybe this was a gift in disguise. A gift that would hurt but only makes me stronger. When I look farther into the song it says “Will you stay with me when nobody is around.” So many times I have put faith in men and more often then none I get disappointed. The hardest part for me is in the beginning I see a great, smart, sweet guy, but after I the honeymoon stage or my real bitch side comes out, that’s when things change. But I need to look at God knowing that when nobody is around, he is, and he is going to cherish my heart because

“ His plan for my future has always been filled with hope (Jermiah 29:11) because I’m his treasured possession “ (Exodus 19:5)

So the real question is when “ I keep floating not knowing if there is more for me, and I’m going under, and afraid that I might drown” and  “I’ve been wounded” will I reach for a guy that will leave me disappointed or reach for the guy “from what I hear has the remedy”… 

Dreaming of Kitty-Kats

As a little girl, I dreamed of cats and kittens. I asked for a kitten every year for Christmas, and my birthdays. Even though as a kid I was allergic to everything but a lizard and horse (couldn’t have a horse because of the hay) I was determined that I could push my parents over to get me my dream. Every year I got something with a cat or kitten, just not the real thing. One year I got wallpaper with cats all over it. The next I got a cat that had Velcro on its stomach and “birthed” kittens (you didn’t know how many she would have) and I got 3 kittens. I also was a fan of the stuffed animal cats where the head was much bigger then its body but had a purr rattle that every time you moved its head it “purred”. I remember getting one before a swim meet and by the end it smelled like chlorine.

I was in Michigan where our summerhouse is. There was a stuffed cat that had so much pretty white fur on it and pretty blue eyes. I wanted it so badly. My dad had said if I got my hair cut short I could own that dream cat which was 20 dollars and a fortune in my kiddo days. So I agreed. I shouldn’t of. My hair looked like a boys and trust me I was asked numerous times if I was a boy, and how “handsome” I was by passerby’s. I don’t remember ever asking my parents for a cat again. 

Then during sophomore year of college my first lover had begged for me to come see him. I had always declined. BUT this one call he said he had 4 kittens and wondered if I wanted them. I said yes. My dream cat could finally turn into 4 dreams. I took a detour for spring break and headed to San Antonio. He was so happy to see me, I was so happy to see 4 precious, less then a week old angels that were all mine. I brought them home in a box, told my parents I found them in a sonic bathroom and raised them to be amazing cats. When they were 8 weeks old and ready to be, in my case, hurled out of the nest from a mom that just wasn’t ready, I posted them on craigslist. 3 girls that lived down my street were thrilled. They came to my house and held them like they were holding stuffed animals, not gently. The little runt, whose name was Cookie, meowed the entire time. It was heartbreaking. The one little girl said “mom please can I have one, I will give my other pet away, please please”. As you would know I didn’t end up giving them to those little girls.

I was heartbroken. My dreams were going to leave me. Cookie held tightly to me and looked up with those amazing big eyes that popped out of his head and I knew I couldn’t give him up. I now have a 3 year old dream that is still living. I must say that I didn’t know the crying out at 3 in the morning, the weird dances he did when an invisible something popped out that made him look like a Halloween cat, or the disgusting poops that filled the entire house and made you gag. It just proves to show that if you want something real badly, it may take time, but you can achieve a dream even if it takes a little time, a horrible hair-cut and a few let-go’s. 

My Child..

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139.1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus .John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad  Almighty God

Fall...

Like a light switch, fall starts. The way the sun hits everything, you know its fall. Fall brings love, cheer, happiness and life.

CHEER: The players in the stands. Somehow when football starts, fall starts. The togetherness of crowds come as they shuffle into the stadium with scarfs and hot chocolates. The get togethers, and the hoo-ra's, fall brings laughter, spirit and a lot of talking mess. Granted the longhorns are the best collegiate team, but to see the fans in the stands freezing their butts off and wanting to be nowhere else is proof that fall brings some light and fun.

HAPPINESS: The bugs cease, the cookouts fade, and the soups and warm dinners arrive. Blankets come out, and holidays are just around the corner. The houses smell like cinnamon and spice, and everything seems to have a glow to it. Even the way people smile, its warmer. The laughter seems more genuine and child-like. No wonder, as Halloween brings out the dress-up days and the justification to BOO the crap out of people. When dad brings "family bonding" to the group as everyone grabs a rake and rakes all day yet still enjoying head-diving into the huge pile of leaves. Fall brings thanksgiving and to me that means family. Where everyone is in the kitchen reminiscing on blissful, embarrassing and all the in between memories. The entire kitchen packed with person's, food and joy. Happiness is defintely fall.

LIFE: The way the sun shines on the leaves is different. The leaves seem to come out and dance on the earth with color. The lake looks darker, cold and mysterious. The wind is chilly, making coffee not something to wake you up, but to keep you warm. You can hear the wind laying in bed which makes you bring the covers up to your chin, thankful for warm fires and mittens. The sun is loved and the way it warms your soul and cheeks when it creeps between the trees. The way it nestles itself perfectly between the branches and makes the red's and oranges of the trees pop and make your insides warm. Everywhere around you is colder but more warm then the summer days. Fall invites life and everywhere I look seems more alive.

LOVE: As fall comes and life and happiness blows in, it only makes you want to spend the romantic evenings with someone. The way you "have" to cuddle next to someone to stay warm only invites the crush to burst into love. When the evenings get so cold your teeth chatter on a date and you both start laughing because of it, and he rubs your arms fast to keep you warm. Cold hands linked together as your stroll the stores looking at Christmas displayed too early in the windows. Lights scatter everywhere like stars that happened to be sprinkled on the sidewalks, windows and light posts. Fireplaces, candles, and blankets are all more reason to enjoy fall and the warmth it brings on the coldest nights. Fall brings love.

I get to experience this, like a light switch turning on. And everywhere I look its magic all wrapped up, inviting me to unravel its gift.

Days off...

Days off are like:

coffee when your really tired

a snow day

a hot shower when your freezing

rainy day

cuddling with your pups

an awesome sale

a cute boy that texts you randomly

when my mom knows exactly when I need her without saying a word

when a kid says he loves you, or that your pretty

Christmas

a pedicure or manicure and you still have money left over

Cinnmon rolls right out of the oven

one tree hill

fresh strawberries and raspberries

dancing

laying on the beach, the sun soaking right in

did I say Christmas?

how about Christmas morning? :)

re-decorating my room

a good song, make that a great song

un-sweet tea

you and me

♥

Shaking Laffy Taffy with Fur on my Boots

Mom: (Singing): Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur….

Brother: Do you even know what this song is about?

Mom: What’s it about?

Brother: It’s about a hooker…

Mom: Turn this thing off (changes the station)

It could have been the singing, or my brother finally feeling a bit guilty for having my mom sing about a hooker when really she thought she was singing about just a simple girl with fur on her boots. I have noticed myself singing, loving the beat of a song and then really listening to the lyrics and noticing I am singing about a gangster who got his wife’s best friend’s, friend pregnant, and finding beer the best way to party and lmfao (laugh my you know what ass off). Jimmny Crickets! If I only knew. Too bad I still probably dance because the beat is just too good.

But seriously, you can write songs about anything. Shake that laffy taffy, has got to be the most ridiculous one out of the bunch. Um, what kind of butts has he been experiencing? My butt sure doesn’t move that way. And not to have songs relate to my life, but I will never look at Laffy Taffy the same… ever. Now when I go to movie theater and buy Laffy Taffy, you most bet ya bottom I will move the laffy taffy and hum that song in my head. Thanks.

Ice Ice Baby, Ay Bay Bay. How long did it take to come up with that? Must have taken some talent and under 2 seconds. At least the rapper that wrote “I’m in love with a stripper” was honest.  I would much rather be called baby, then have some form of ‘ay you’ sung to me while girls in almost nothing are drooling over you in your music video. That really makes me want to go right on over to itunes and download your sequel talking about feeling my lady lumps. OH WAIT, sorry, Black Eyed Peas got ya on that one.

Now, I understand that when you have money you can basically do whatever you want. Proves to show that Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag both attempted to sing their hearts out, or their boobs out of their skimpy bathing suit. I was more focused on hoping nips didn’t show then their actual voice, even though the voice didn’t help. But Rebecca Black from Friday proved that YouTube can get you anywhere in life. Way to go sister!

So until I become soulja boy and crank that, or get some implants and figure out how to get jiggy with it, I am going to stick to being like my mother, singing until I figure out exactly what a song means. 

Sherbet Ice Cream... Pink

Sherbet Ice Cream. Pink Sherbet. The pink that has some orange mixed in that makes it almost a warm pink. I got to experience this. On my way home from work. The sunrise was amazing. The best sherbet ice cream yet. The sun was a dark orange with the ice cream of a girls favorite color surrounding it squeezing the sun to shine bright.

And it decided to get better. I open the door that squeaks which is an alarm for puppy love to come racing towards me. Sliding on the wood floor, Lucy and Lilly can't get to me fast enough. Jumping and licking and moans and grunts of excitement. I am one lucky gal.

Take them outside, and immediately the goose-bumps rise. But its not that cold where you want to put sweats on. The dogs soak in the cool. This causes the great crazy, retarded dogs come out, which seem to have bottled years worth of energy. The race down the trail, the dust from their feet flying behind. So many sniffs and smells, just like the same every walk, but this was a "fall" day.

Come home to make some fresh eggs and hashbrowns. Orange juice with enough pulp that reminds me of living in Arizona and picking them with my brother. Squeezing them with my father and having a glass container to pour it in. YUM. I eat my delicious breakfast as the three animals sit all beside me. I think to think they love me. Others think they want my food. Which your probably right. But we enjoy!

Now off to bed, dreaming of sweet dreams of lilacs and christmas and all the wonderful things a girl may dream.

Love you... to pieces

My mom said she liked funnier blogs. I would too. Except I am not in the funny blog mood. I could possibly write something funny, but it would be more of a strain to write something funny then to write what’s really on my mind. So I am going to stick what’s on my mind. And when I do have something funny I will let you know.

So the word on my mind, the new tattoo on my finger, the thing we all want to have but don’t seem to grasp, love. I have probably talked about it numerous times in my blogs and probably the same situations will be brought up once again. So if you’re looking for the funny, stop here.

I feel people are settling for what love is, in their minds. I have seen it in so many events lately that it’s killing me and is really making me question what the heck is love. The guy I slept with who is engaged is getting married next month still after his finance found out he cheated. I would hope that if I had been the other party, the girl that was going to get married, that everyone I knew would not support me in getting married to a douche. I don’t know if she is scared of being the one alone yet again, but I couldn’t imagine living married to a guy that I wouldn’t be able to trust.

Values, morals get thrown down the drain. I met a girl about 4 years ago that loved God with all her heart. Went to church every Sunday, and read the word every night. She was my hero. I looked up to her, and wanted to be like her. Now I question her and don’t even want to be her. When you know you are not going to be happy, and you know that he truly isn’t right for you, but you settle, it makes my heart hurt for the true love that is in disguise. Why settle for someone that isn’t going to make you a better person. Why stay for someone that allows you to be just okay, not the super-star you know you should be. He wont go to church with you. He isn’t going to read the word at night. How are you going to let something like God be set to the side, because you “love” a guy who doesn’t love God?

I was told the big 3 words within two months of both of my last relationships. Yet once I had broken up with them, love slipped out the door within days. As a little girl, love was just the toy I had at the time. When it got old, I found a new toy, I loved that toy until I found a new better toy. I knew what love was though, I had this blanket that I had since I was born. I never said I “loved” it, but the way I treated it was love. Softer then silk from sleeping with it. Stained from the tears I cried while in time out. And ripped from cutting pieces off and putting it in the grave of my dogs. It meant so much to me that I wore it out. I still have it, yet I don’t sleep with it or cry in it. But it still means more then any other toy or object.

I am content on being alone right now. I am not in any position to love someone. My heart isn’t in the right spot. But when I am ready, and when that other half is the right person, I will love it just like I loved my blanket. To pieces.

Doors of Perception

I have not a clue on what to write. Nothing really is in my mind. Well, that’s a lie, but nothing huge that I feel the necessity to write. Broken. Dumb. Two words cross my mind. I know I am neither, but I feel that way for sure. I am confused. Granted I was called broken by a guy who I broke his heart, so I guess I shouldn’t take it to heart too much. But still words can hurt. I keep thinking, what is so up with me that I am picking men in my life that are total scum bags? What could I have done differently to remove the shades that have been blocking my vision? The last guy said he was Christian, smart, but yet tore me down when he was hurt, cussed me out, called me a whore of a you know what. Cheaters, beaters, you name it. What could I have done differently to see this coming?

Granted I am not the smoothest chocolate in the box. I am like the sour patch kids. Sour where it punches, then sweet and delicious. But I know I am no total bitch. I have things that make men go WOW, and not just in that way. I must be shopping down the wrong isle. And trust me I understand youre not supposed to go looking. I think even when youre not looking youre still browsing, scanning.

The fist love, is supposed to be special. The always have your heart, always be your first love. What if you know him now, and he seems like a total sex-addict, jerk that only texts you for that one reason? That’s all the conversation has been about. What are you doing? I am totally in the zone, wanna help out? That wasn’t the guy I knew back when everything was new, and love was fresh. I want to remember him as that, and even now even the small talk, I try to see past the ridiculousness. I keep stubbing my toe into the door, yet don’t think about closing it.

I have all these open doors. I haven’t closed any. And I am being completely open and vulnerable right now. I haven’t been able to let it go, say goodbye. It stems from my father, and birth father. The two men that I needed to help give me a steady foundation on guys I need to look for. Keep hoping that they’ll change into the guys I think they should. Tell me they love me, want to have a daughter-dad relationship. Wont happen. My dad will always love my sister who is the star-kiddo, and my birth father still hasn’t wanted to know me, after 23 years. But I have hope. This hope that keeps getting crushed. Keeping the doors open for men that will never walk through when I need them.

So how do I close these doors? Keep them from ramming in my toes; leaving me crying when I knew it was going to happen all along. Therapy, self-help classes, and even blogging, has yet to help me. I am not holding out for the guy that will miraculously change everything and help me close the doors. I want to do it myself. I want to slam every door shut, not look back. I want to throw the keys away, and know that I may be broken, I may have the dumb moments, but I wont fail and I will get up. Even if I run into another dumb door that stubs my toe. I will know how closing the pervious doors felt. And I will close it again. And move on.

The other girl...

Get in. You are going to have to read a lot. Because a lot is what’s on my mind. First of all velveeta with 2% milk and ½ the fat, is GROSS. I would not recommend it.

In college I fell in love with a boy. This boy was tall, handsome and had a bunch of whiskers. He rode a motorcycle, and I thought he was the one. Well the one turned out to be a lot of yelling and ended up being pretty terrible. I was positive he cheated on me. He even went for a friend of mine, and stayed the night with her, more then once. It ended pretty badly and we both went our separate ways.

Well, I had asked to be his friend a while ago on facebook, and I am talking months and months ago. I would check often basically so I could get my stalk on and see what he had been up to. Well he finally added me and he was dating a girl. Kinda cute, but of course as the previous girlfriend we always think we are the prettier one out of the two. His facebook was so boring to stalk. He didn’t post anything. So I quit looking. Well randomly about a couple months ago he de-friended me. Not a big deal because as I said, he was boring to stalk.

Sunday. He texts me. Once again not a big deal. Small talk. Small talk becomes big talk and long story short he is in Austin and wants to get together and see me. See me? Yeah uh huh.  I told him that no emotions would be involved because I knew he would go back to his life and that we wouldn’t talk, because I haven’t talked to him in months and months. He says he misses me and my body and that that I am all he thinks about. My body is the only thing that pops out in that text. Just because you put two sweet things beside it doesn’t make me think that you just want to “see me”. He said cool, no emotions, and things went from there. He showed up at my house, beer on his breath. Not the unusual. It was 8:30. I had to leave for work at 9:20. He leaves at 9:10. Quicky. No emotions. He texts me later, kinda the “cuddle” phase with no emotions. And it was nothing. So I thought.

Until the next day. I thought, hmm, maybe he friended me on facebook. I go on his page and he had changed his profile picture. Not the usual I am a stud-bang-me photo, but a picture of him and a girl. A professional picture. It looked very much like an engagement picture. And sure enough, my stalker skills take over. I find the girl that he had dated but told me he was for sure single, and hop on over to her page. It was on private but her default picture said it all. It was her and him and a rock on her finger. THEY ARE ENGAGED. I flipped. AS my mom says sometimes I overreact so I emailed the fiance. Told her I had sex with him. She emailed me back within minutes, and so goes there. He is supposed to be getting married in a month. She is bawling, I am pissed. He really thought he could play me dumb? I dated his butt for more then a year, and had caught him in multiple lies. AND then he thinks I just wont find out that he changed his facebook picture to an engagement picture? God. So she knows all. He texted me saying he wanted to come by again. I simply said sorry, you can’t. He has no idea that when he steps inside their house that he has a good smack coming. Hopefully it’s a smack hard enough for two.

I was that girl. That girl that didn’t stick up for herself and her morals. I was the one in the movies they always talk about being a whore. If I had known he was engaged I would have never even let him walk into my house. I am not upset about doing it, because as I said no emotions were involved, but the whole thing about him thinking he could get away with it, is the thing that really is sticking with me. What an idiot I am. He told me straight to my face that he was single and I believed it. It makes me wonder how many times while we were dating that he did the exact same. If he cheated on his fiancé what says he didn’t cheat on me? I am not even sure how to watch for this next time. 

Life is Short...

I thought about writing something that really frustrated me. I kept writing, kept erasing. I was so frustrated. When I looked back at the writing I couldn’t find a justification to belittling someone that just didn’t deserve it. Yes I was mad. Not truly at the person. This person tried and tried to win my heart. A ton of flowers, always coming over to my place, never going there, and so on. He even watched one tree hill with me. But I pushed him away. Not because of exactly who he was, but because I am enjoying being single, doing me, and not worrying about someone else’s emotion. I told him to leave, broke up with him and was dead right honest I wouldn’t give him anymore then what I was doing now. Which was enough for me but not enough for him. And he finally said he was moving on. What I wanted right? Yes, but still being “left” still is like a little smack. 

I was told in boarding school by a wonderful roommate who on the first night, read through me like I was a ghost. She said that I enjoy having boys and people in general near me. Its almost comforting, enough where they are near but not enough so they are close. SO TRUE. I enjoy the small gift of crushing, and cute texts that make me feel good. I think everyone does. The feeling of being wanted and noticed. Probably why I have 3 animals. The feeling of being loved is so dang powerful.

Its like when a person is walking out the door, you just want to help them out a little, whether it be a mean saying or slamming the door behind them. Having the final say, says that you are in control, right? I wish. I have a hard time listening to the wise words of my mother who says “If they can do better they will”. A person is who they are, and I need to be okay that a person is who they are. If they want to do better they will. If I want to lose 30 more pounds I will. But until I find that will inside of me, no one not even Madonna, will make me want to do better unless I truly want to. And that’s okay. If someone chooses to walk out that door, let them. Its not because they are a bad person. They are them. And I have such a hard time letting go of the control. Letting the power go. Next time I wont say “Life is short and so is your penis” (ß- see I want control still), but next time, I will try and take a breath, a deep BIG breath and say, let it go nat, let is go. 

Wedgie

I was having a difficult time deciding what I wanted to write about. I could easily complain about work, being sick, or a, b, and all the above, but decided against it. Not many like to read sob stories over and over. But randomly wedgies popped in my mind. Everyone, at least girls I feel has experienced a wedgie. I feel there are a bunch of types, but they all have one thing in common. They feel awful. It’s almost like the booger that you feel every time you breathe but can’t seem to get it out. You breath a bit harder out of your nose, hoping it shoots out. Doesn’t work. Then you breath in hoping it will go back in. You just want to do something so it stops tickling and annoying the crap out of you. Some will just pick it right there, but others will do the breathing treatment to try and rid the problem. That’s how wedgies are. You try to do everything NOT to pick it. Do a shuffle like you have to pee, or a waltz like you just pooped in your pants. All look probably odd, but you want to do something to have the feeling go away without publicly humiliating yourself.

The wedgie that goes up every time you step is annoying. You know how the commercials say there is wedgie free underwear? LIES. I have tried it. The rim of the underwear has almost silicone feel so it “sticks” to your butt. BUT if it starts going up into wedgie mode, its hopeless and you might as well jump ship because the silicone sticks better in wedge mode and is harder to unsuspiciously de-wedge. So what about thongs? No mom, not the sandal, the piece of “dental-floss, disgusting-waste-of-moral” as my dad would call it that somehow gives you a wedgie the entire time you wear it. I stopped wearing them after my brother put one on the hinge on the back of my truck and unaware I went to school with that thing for a solid week. Embarrassing. I also stopped when my father threw them all out because he didn’t want filth mixed in with the rest of the laundry. I then started hiding them and doing my own load of laundry. That’s beside the point though. Why would you want to wear them? Some men say they are attractive, but my butt is so big there is nothing attractive then exposing all of it. I can’t pick the wedgie if it is meant to be hammered up your crack 24/7. And trust me, getting a wedgie from another person hurts like hell if you’re wearing a thong. I don’t do it, but if yall want go at it.

So how do I get rid of them? I pick em. Granted if I have a friend I will announce it, and ask if she will stand behind me while I pick it. This is a girl cardinal rule. Ask her. If I am by myself and there is no cute hunk around I pick it. And I am being honest here, and I imagine some are saying ewww. But I am not going to walk around being uncomfortable. Besides if I pick it in Wal-Mart its not like that’s the worst Wal-Mart has seen. 

Smack!

I can't explain to you the noise I am hearing right now. You might not even notice it if I didn't mention it. If I explained that its a noise unlike any other, and occurs on a daily basis, does that help? No, it is not my little 13 pound chi-mix humping her huge duck. Rather funny daily occurrence, but not it. Its not the sound of silence. And its not definitely not the sound of the the blender running. SMACKING. Pure grossness of smacking and eating.

Lucy is laying on the floor, gasping for breath as she eats a rawhide. It kind of sounds like a cow, eating sloppy oatmeal. She thinks she should swallow most of it as she realizes its way to big to swallow and then you hear this gag from within her stirring. That makes me freak out and leap up from being quite comfortable and content so she doesn't re-gergatate it all back on my clean floor. She gets afraid, runs away and does it anyway. Thankfully thats all that comes up is her gross chewed rawhide and she sits back down, like a cow and chews once again her curd, making the horrible smacking sound.

I notice that on dates and just in general. Not cows. The way people eat. I feel like miss priss even saying that because I know I dont eat like the Queen of Manners myself but if you chew like a food processor, I probably and not going to choose a restaurant for a second date. If I really know the date is not going anywhere, I try the "lets see if I do the same thing he is, if he gets any hint" and start chewing like Chewbaca. Nope, doesn't even notice. I should have tried the noises that Chewbaca makes and see if I got a different reaction.

I can't change my dog's manner's. She doesn't understand when I am saying "CHEW YOUR FOOD" or even if I get on her level and try to express my desire for her to chew or I will not want to ever give her a bone again. No brain in that dog. So I need the Dog Whisperer. I am sure that if he can do all of that magic stuff and make any dog go good, that he can create a dog that chews right. While he is at it he can try the dates I go on. Because guys are dogs too right? Just kidding.