My Soul wont be Thirsty Anymore

"I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to heaven when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside the city........I'll tell these things to God, and he'll laugh, I think and he'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favorite. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, "well done," and that he liked my story. And my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

I figured death would be my topic for the day. My nails have disappeared from biting them and I still have yet to go to sleep after my overnight shift. Why does God take away the people that matter so much to others? How do mother's lose their sons and still live their life? How does a son lose his mom, or a husband his wife?

I remember the day my Dad cried. I was sitting next to him in the pew, and saw tears run down his face. The first time I realized my dad had emotions and the first day I cried for him, with him. He lost his mother, my grandmother. My dad tried to comfort me while I was crying for him. I was heartbroken that I couldn't bring my grandmother back to him. A man that had stood so sturdy my entire life was crying as if he had fallen as a boy and scraped his knee, and his mom who always came to the rescue wasn't going to be there this time. Selfish me. If only he knew it broke my heart to see someone he loved so much never be able to come back.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Copeland died of cancer. We used to sit around her as she would show us the pricks and dye marks from where the chemo went into her body. She would tell us about cancer and death and how there would be a day where she wasn't going to be there. That day showed up with a sub who passed out Jolly Ranchers. But the day I saw her husband cry,  knowing he would spend lonley nights alone and missing his girl that had put smiles on 24 third-graders and sprinkled confidence on our dreams, will never leave me.

My friend died a year ago. Gave his life. Selfish him. I am mad. Hurt. Yet it made me realize life is so precious and I am more angry at myself for not seeing the signs. The drunk texts saying how his life was in shambles. He would have rather gone off to the sea to ride the cruise of "life" because his excitement for existence was going nowhere on land. Yet I shrugged it off. I miss him. Dearly. His words before he jumped to his death 'I will love yall always" will always create daggers in my heart.

Death. I wish there was a prettier word for it. I wish it didn't cause so much heartbreak, tears and confusion. I wish it gave happiness instead of damage and I hoped it would give company instead of isolation. Today is going to be one of those days, where death is going to be missing the ones that touched so many hearts. Tomorrow I will celebrate their lives and the impact they made on people, but today I am going to heartbroken.