I was laying in bed last night, and felt completely alone. Even with someone next to me, my heart hurt. The past two guys, I will not mention names, I thought were utterly amazing in their own ways. The first one has known my true self, knew me on a vulnerable side through Boarding School. The other I knew since high-school who knew the flirty fun spunky natalie. Both "loved" me, both left me and haven't heard from either of them since. How is it that a person can make not talking to you so easy. I have no love feelings towards them, but I am hurt that if someone would love you so much and want to marry you how easy they make leaving be.
In my bible, it says in the back, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life". I have not found out how to truly guard my heart. I feel when you are meant to love and change people's lives which I know I have done, it is hard to put a guard up on something God meant for you too put out. I do understand that to guard my heart emotionally against boys that God doesn't want for me in the first part is what guarding your heart should be, I just haven't figured out how to.
The roommate and I were talking about my "list". The numbers keep on adding up, and the connection between them keep dwindling. I used to be the girl who thought love was supposed to be with someone you love. Well love turned into lust which eventually turned into sex. Nothing special, nothing worth keeping close to your heart, and my heart keeps breaking as the numbers get higher. I believe since my self-esteem has gotten lower, I settle. As my friend said I shouldn't yet I see herself settling for someone that doesn't want to be committed to her.
Why do we settle? Why dont us beautiful women of God understand we sparkle in God's eyes? I know he see's everyone of us little girl's of his as sparkling diamonds that should be treasured. I want to hold God's hand, and have some wonderful man of God hold my other. That is what I really look forward to.
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