Falling Quickly..

Almost 3. Super tired and somewhat sick. I think I am all jacked up on caffeine pills that I feel okay, but once I get off and the tiredness comes back I am going to feel like death. Wonderful. I have a doctors appointment at three and my mother was wonderful enough to offer to pick me up. My gas tank is thanking her tremendously.

I am so not prepared for 4 days of overnight's in a row. They are on a unit where I haven't been and I am not as comfortable as I am on the unit I have been on mostly. So lets hope that goes ok.

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I thought I would digest this quote. I found it tonight, and it just struck a chord. I have made decisions about men and life in general very quickly. I find that if I want something I go for it, whether it be a purse that is way to expensive or a man. I fall in love fast with everything. That is why I have so many animals at such a young age and probably why I have had so many men in my life.

I guess with me being so emotional about everything, and since no one but my mother has really said that "you are emotional" I have assumed that my emotions must be ok. I know that I should keep them in check more. When I am down I am in the biggest hole imaginable, and when I am happy, I am floating way above the clouds, in one of those high atmospheres, possibly the lithosphere? I dont know but you get my drift.

So with my emotions and big heart I know I give people so much more then what I should be. I have hung onto the relationship with my dad WAY too long. I hold off on the relationships that have truly been poison. I feel that since I have so much love in my heart to give that they somewhere inside of them do to and that they will return it back. So I take the verbal, physical and the in between abuse because somewhere inside I feel that they will grow.

But they wont. Never will. I hold onto something that isn't even there. Do I still just hang onto a relationship hoping that maybe it will change or grow? Yeah. I still do today. But I am growing, finding little pieces on the way of  myself. I am coming to the realization that people are who they are and if they aren't going to make you grow then there is no use waiting for the sun to shine when they live underground.