Sunday- Working overnight
Monday- Work JCC in the morning
Tuesday- Overnight and Work in afternoon
Wednesday- SAMA training and JCC
Thursday- JCC
Friday- JCC
Whew. I am tired just looking at that. Luckily I will have a well earned weekend. I am having this certain boy come to visit me. I am looking forward too it. He comes in Friday and then leaves Sunday. There is a concert going on Saturday and I am thinking some fun will be happening on Friday night. I am not sure what exactly he is looking for, a good time, relationship, or friends. I am not even sure I should ask the question, but if I am going to do something with him I probably should find this out. How do I ask? I am not even sure if I want a relationship. I mean 1) It will be long distance, and 2) the thought of 'no' is almost enough for me not to ask.
I have also been thinking a lot about Derek. He comes to my mind it the oddest of times and always in weird ways. I always question myself about if I had talked to him when he had texted me, or if I had just hung out with him and gave him a chance he wanted, maybe he would be here today. What an awful feeling to know that you are going to end your life, and not having anyone stop you from doing it. Ithink that would be the worst. Sinking lower and lower and no one even noticing that you are reaching your hand out to be grabbed. I wish there was some way I could say sorry, or for a way for him to hear me. I just feel an empty spot without him here. I feel selfish that when he was around I didn't give him the time of day, because I always thought that he would be there. He would text me 'hey' and then if I felt like it I would text him back 'hey what are you doing?' and he would always reply 'drinking' or 'smoking' or something around those lines.
I had always thought that he was immature and would grow out of this stage that was so 'cool'. Little did I even think of thinking that maybe this was a way of reaching out. Stupid me didn't even think of this, and now I wish more then anything I could have said, 'you want to hang out?' I always said we could hang out and never did, but now I wish I had actually gone through so I could have let him know that I was there. I miss him and I can't wait for one day when I can actually go and tell him how sorry I am, and that I wont leave him alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment