Walking on Eggshells...

Past couple days. Hell.

I don't even want to get into it because I am tired of crying about it. I pride myself in working with kids and feel my heart was meant to help people and I really feel like I am having to question myself in who I am. I KNOW I am a good person with amazing traits but I shouldn't have to work an environment where they tell me I need to "walk on eggshells".

Well, the paragraph above makes it sound sketchy. Basically Derek, was on my background on my phone. A girl asked who he was and I said it was a friend that died and missed him so I put him as my background. She asked how he died. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say so I said the truth. He killed himself. Well, she went home and told her dad, which in turned emailed my boss. My boss pulled me in the next day and I had no clue what was going on. She didn't close the door and reamed me out while all of my co-workers were outside the door, listening to my mess up.

I was devastated, because one, I felt like I had been put in a situation that I wasn't even prepared for and was embarrassed in front of my coworkers. I have never gotten in any trouble with any of my jobs and it really threw me through a loop because I didn't feel that a small conversation would have such an effect. I sent an email that night apologizing and asking next time that they respect my privacy because that wasn't a professional way to talk about a situation.

So today they pulled me in ONCE again, and my boss closed the door this time (thank-you), and said that the dad had called again and said he was thinking about pulling the kids out of the program because of the incident. They said I should walk on eggshells  (I had already started crying out of guilt and the way I had been beating myself up about this for a day already). I said I would apologize to the dad and do what I had to to make the situation better. I know I should have cut off the conversation with the girl, but everyone, and me feels that this situation the dad is making of this is going to far. Did I mention my boss did say sorry but had a huge BUT right after. thanks.

Well I needed to vent and so after calling my mom and balling my eyes out I called another person who I thought would make me feel lighter about the incident. I explained to a certain someone what happened. They replied that my boss had a reason to be upset but that my boss should have handled it better. It REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. I felt that person was being fair, but I wanted comfort more then fairness. When I do wrong I feel bad enough that I dont need to be told I was wrong, I can beat myself up enough thank you. It wasn't that the person gave me wrong advice or anything, I just needed comfort that I was a good person and not to feel even more guilty that  "you knew you probably did wrong right after you said it".

The truth is, I wasn't feeling bad. It is life and yes I was caught of guard but I didn't want to lie about someone I loved so much. I can't fix what I did and maybe with all the guilt I want to blame it on someone else. I am frustrated that if Derek wasn't dead this would have never happened. I would be able to have a picture of Derek and I hanging out on a  weekend, put it as my background instead of a old picture on my background so I dont lose him in my past memories.

This was really the last frosting on my piece of cake this week. The stress that has been building has been stressful, and I dont want to walk on eggshells.