Heaven is the Goal...

Took some cold medicine. Took some airborne. Took a hot shower. And now writing to you, while listening to some Lifehouse. It is one of those nights.

I am listening to From Where You Are. Some nights I think of Derek, other times I think of someone I want to miss.

Tonight its Derek. "yeah I miss you, and I wish you, were here". I can see his smile. I can hear his laugh. I can feel his fingers, pruned from swimming. I can smell his hair, still chlorine filled and dry, and pretty crazy and wild.

I dont know why, but I always love what I can't have. When it is there begging me to be loved I yearn for something I can't have. He wanted me at one point. He wanted to take me out on a date, he wanted to be mine. And of course I was more interested in the assholes, the wanna- be bad guys. I wanted a challenge and that wasn't him. He was always there, waiting, until he couldn't wait anymore. I love a man that died, and took his life. Maybe this is so messed up to say, and I can see a certain person getting mad over me saying this.  But I want to be as close as I can get to him. I can't touch a picture and get all of those senses, the chlorine, his fingers, everything.

I crave for him to say something. I am afraid of not being able to hear him talk. I am afraid my memories are going to fade and he will fade too into the dark. I am not sure how to keep him alive. I want to be happy and celebrate his life, but how can I when he was in a deep hole for such a long time. He was so sad and no one reached out and he jumped. I can't imagine how he felt right before he died. I see tears streaming down his face, contemplating, and I feel like I stand there seeing all of his emotions and watch it happen and there is nothing I can do. I know its a fucked up image, but I can't help it. Maybe its as close as I will get to feel where he was.

I wonder what he is doing, what his heart says. I always heard that when you are in Heaven you can see anything, the past and such. It keeps me going, knowing that maybe he can see my heart and know that I miss him, and love his heart. I am trying so hard not to cry, not to break down and cry once again. Its been almost 7 months and I feel like it was just yesterday.

I am so excited to see him, hug him, tell him how awesome he is, and how lucky I was to know such a lucky guy who touched so many people. It will be amazing, and that is what gets me through with missing him, knowing that earth is just a phase, that heaven it the goal.

"I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face,
Just know that wherever you are,
I miss you,
and I wish you, were here.
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way sun shine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought they would mean everything to me.
Yeah I miss you,
and I wish you were here.
So far away from where you are, worlds apart."