Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering

Tonight is going by so slowly already. It is only 11:43. So I said earlier today that I might be writing a longer entry today. I am not sure what to write though... Any ideas?

I found out my mom is going to stay in Michigan another week because " she needs to talk with my grandma's doctor" which I believe is an excuse to stay in her beautiful hometown longer. I can see right through her. I am glad she is going to stay, but I am going to miss her. She always seems to stop by in the most perfect times. I wont be able to see her for another week and a half now. Lucky duck can take vacations whenever she wants.

So everyday for the past week I want to say, I have been thinking of you know who, Derek. It could be because my background on my phone and computer is him, and I have photos of him in my bedroom. If no one knew the situation they may certainly think I was a creeper, as any normal human being would. On my phone background, he looks so young. It was taken in high-school, probably when he was a freshman, but it looks like one of the kids that I should be baby-sitting.  I hate that as I grow older, the wrinkles that will be sagging along with every other object on my body, he will still remain the young boy that took his life at too young of an age. I hate that he wont be able to grow old, and be able to tell his crazy stories to his grandchildren and he wont be able to sag in all the horrible places we are dreading. I know it sounds so simple but I try to picture him growing old like I am. 

I am definitely not at the wrinkles, but I am to the stage where I am on my own, for the most part, and still trying to figure out where I fit in, in this huge vast world. My ideas, thoughts, and emotions change every day. I am still just trucking through hoping that where he is he is able to see that he can still "grow old" with me if he wants to :))

Growing old actually is scary. I went running today for 20 minutes. Actually it was probably more like 13 with all the stops and wheezing I was doing. Or it was the trying to find all the motivational pump me up songs I was trying to find. Either way I kept finding reasons I couldn't run. When I did run, it was probably more of a sight to see. I was sweating horribly, and my shorts were riding up, which I had always made fun of when I saw people run. I am not that twig anymore and I swear that those pizza rolls has something against me. I had eaten too many so I decided to jump into the other hate relationship, chips. BAD IDEA. This only lead to me feeling so stinking fat that I had to do something. So running for 13 minutes, or should I say surviving gave me the justification that I could eat what I did. Now my butt is sore and I ran only 5 hours ago. oh lawdy.

What really has been interesting is that the boyfriend doesn't care. I mean we sat in HS next to each other when I had the most banging body ever. Granted I was depressed so I was way to thin, but he loves me for the body I have now. I am kinda worried he is in a spell. I am just waiting for him to snap out of it and run out the door. He says he wont and that he will never leave me. If I was skinny miss priss natalie that I was back in HS, I probably wouldn't care if he walked out the door, because I could have plenty more men, but now that my self is not where I wanted, my self-esteem isn't either, so I am more nervous then ever about him leaving. Either way, it is nice to be loved by someone that loves you for the way you are, with no strings attached.

So enough of a novel tonight. Sweet dreams to all you lucky bitches being able to sleep. I envy you.

 yes this is what I shall do... the end