The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will beAt work again, fancy that. And just re-read the post from last night. Ah, almost started crying. I can just imagine one of my kiddos coming out from their room asking Miss Natalie why are you crying?
I started reading the shack. There is a part I want to 'journal' about. Mack who is the main character in the book, lost his daughter in a horrible event and now questions God about everything, who is is, why he is here. I read a part that just hit home, its what I question whenever I truly think about who God is.
Humans are so lost and damaged that to you it is almost incomprehensible that people could work or live together without someone being in charge... The real underlying flaw in your life, Mack, is that you dont think I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything- means, the ends, and all the processes of individuals lives- is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't.
Holy crap. I dont trust God. I dont trust him with anything. I haven't read past that part because I am just so stunned that the reason I am not close to him is because I dont trust him. If I trusted him, my crappy past, my inability to love, grow, and teach would be nourished. I would be able to fill my heart with the love my dad will never give me. I will be able to let go of my highschool days.
But when I do, that means I wont have baggage, and I feel that the baggage I have carried around with me is what makes me ME. That is why I wanted to work with crazy kids. That is why I can relate to the world around me, is because of my past. How do I leave my baggage, put trust in God, and still live my life with purpose. I know there are speaker out there who had a crazy past and talk about it and teach kids that there is more to life, but I dont want to be a speaker. My past motivates me and also hinders me.
I went to a retreat called DISCOVERY, that really was about discovering who you can be. I found that my setback was trying to gain the love from my father that I will never be able to attain. The leaders said I needed to let go, but how can I let go with the man that provided for me, and who still does today? He had a messed up life, but why should I hold that against him? I get so confused and I am hoping that this book will give me some more WOW's, because I am completley, and utterly, lost and trying to find that filler for my heart.
(maybe I will start with just loving myself) :))
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