LIfe thus Far.

I am not sure on what to write. I haven't really thought of a subject and haven't had anything funny to write about, which is the saddest part of it all. I enjoy writing and wish I had more time. Things that have been going on:

- my new job (CPS Investigator) has been stressful. I am intimidated by my boss and its a ton of work, BUT I do have my own office

- my dogs are doing swell and I didn't think my love for something could grow every day

- I just went to Victoria Secret and got 7 pairs of underwear for 28 bucks. Underwear makes me so happy.

- I love my parents and we hang out more which is such a treat.

- I found a church I love and am starting next week to go to a bible study group. YAY!

- I am enjoying the sunset, not so much the sunrise and loving the porch sitting weather.

:)

Resilience.

I learn more about God

From weeds than from roses;
Resilience springing
Through the smallest chink of hope
In the absolute of concrete....
~Phillip Pulfrey

I look at the "weeds" that are springing all over the highway. Freckles of bluebonnets and splashes of yellow flowers that illuminate what the sun would be like if it lived on earth. I was reading about weeds and I find myself to relate more to weeds that anything else.

"Flowers" that have learned the way, the way to live by society and the plans they have been made for them. Like orchards that are in lines and rows, following the way the planter wanted them to. But weeds grow where they can. They bend and do what they have to to survive. Have you seen sunflowers? Weeds that actually move their faces to capture the sunlight. How many times do you see roses do that? 

I hated pulling weeds as a child. Their roots were deep within the soil and if you didn't take it all out they grew back within days. They wanted to be here. They had to hold stronger to their beliefs, their desire to stay in the earth. 

As I took a walk today the "weeds" that were dancing in the sunlight had all different colors of butterfly's playing chase amongst them. Light green, yellow, and orange wings floated around me and I knew that sometimes the weeds bring the most beautiful things to life. 

Thank you!

Its truly a blessing when someone comes in your life and not only leaves a lasting imprint, but the person stays in your life.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that is is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate no knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend that who cares. - Nouwen

.... and may I add, someone who I am lucky and so grateful to have in my life :)

Lasting Imprints

I stumble upon the rocks. My toe hits a stone that makes an instant black imprint on where I misplaced it. I curse out loud as I stare down and see all around the mark, a red circle that spreads out like the rain drop hitting the still lake, spreading out.

Just like my heart. It stumbles upon a person, hitting hard, unrelenting as it leaves a mark and spreads throughout my body. Every inch feels the effect of intolerable pain. My stomach clenching, knotting up. My lungs, struggling to breathe like asthma that leaves you begging on your knees for air. Your hands not able to write what needs to be written, your head struggling to make thoughts come together.

Just like a bruise it hurts, and the effect it leaves is an impression. It turns as the days progress. Dark and blue like the storm right before it hits. Your heart as he says he will never come back. It turns a nasty green, like the nights that you yearn for him to be laying next to you. Then to yellow, where you see him at the coffee shop and your heart drops for a second.  And then fades into a lighter color a little bit darker then of your natural skin. You have to look hard to see its there. Just like your heart over time.

Yet the next time I go walking, it seems the rock hits just at the right time.

brother.

I remember...

When you sat in the dirt, yellow turtleneck that showed your stomach, eating red and black bugs that crawled over the rocks running for their lives.

In a yellow bucket with a read handle that I filled with water and dog poop, mixing it until it was a dark brown, making you think it was chocolate milk.

Playing barbies and you driving the barbie car saying it was a "race car" as you mutter "vrooommmm"

Playing house and you always say "Pretend I am..." even after I told you who you were over and over.

Making forts.

Playing on the side of the hill, creating new dirt roads for our cars to go.

Skiing down Boyne and you hitting a jump and flying in the air. Scared to death as you had blood everywhere you smiled and said "COOL"

"Marsh-mellow"

The way you make our entire family laugh at dinner no matter how mad we all are.

"And there was a scorpion THIS big, and an alligator"

You diving off the high board and saying "watch this" as you did a belly-flop.

"Mash tatos, brawcli (whispers)"

I love you pete pete. 

Stress!

With a new job comes new stress, and with new stresses I have to come up with ways to not become a full on troll that lives under the bridge.

Eating copious amount of food has not helped. Though while indulging myself with cookie dough, chips, and cereal, my butt and muffin top scream at me while loading it with a front loader, while my stomach decides to punish me later when I feel like I am going to explode.

I have found working out doesn't help either. Feeling my thighs rub together creating a fire like sensation and my butt needing spandex isn't what I call enjoyable. My dogs hate running (as I have mentioned before) which doesn't help my motivation when they are laying on the floor like a sack of potatoes.

Shopping makes my credit card cry, flirting over text messages only helps me realize I need to get on eharmony to find a new breed of non-douche-baggery and doing laundry can only go so far where I am afraid my water bill will drown itself.

So I resort to my dogs and to the good ol internet. Have you see Sophia Grace on Ellen DeGenerous? You MUST go and youtube that shit immediately. I have decided that if this job doesn't work out I could eat some pork shops, wear a tutu and pray to get hits on the internet while singing Lady GaGa. THough I am sure Sophia's cuteness of an 8 year old is what gets her the stardom I need something to fall back on if this stress eats me alive.

If you think of any ideas, let me know. If you want to pay for a shopping trip, or lipo give me a ring. Until then my lunch break is up and stress calls.

Inhale. Exhale.

Deep Breath. Inhale. Exhale.
Usually my body does this without thinking. I have to tell myself though, breathe.
Inhale. Exhale.
Right before the storm. When the sky turns a dark blue and gray while the white wisps of clouds stand out like a robin against the snow. The thunder rolls, like my stomach on Thanksgiving day, the smell of cinnamon rolls. The sky is about to let go, the rain beating down making the ants scatter, fleeing underneath the brown rich soil.
Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.
My eyes swell with tears. Don't let it pour. Suck it up. Breath. "Don't go," I whipser, "Let me change your mind." The five-o-clock shadow on his face melts into his soul more then just the whiskers on his face. The blue eyes that once reflected the sun is dim, wandering, looking for something to keep himself from going. "I can't," he says wishing that wasn't what his lips created. The door shuts, and the lightning strikes.
Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.
The storm lets loose. Each raindrop bounces off the skin, cold, yet warm, creating a feeling that has never been explained. Cold, wet on the outside, hair standing on edge. Insides warm the way alcohol warms your stomach. As the storm begins the sensation is strong. Every nerve feeling every drop of sadness, dismay, fear. Then  it begins to become numb, as it just pours, letting the sky drain. Nothing left to do but breathe.
Inhale. Exhale.

Summer days

Sizzling hot concrete that radiates sunshine through your feet making you run towards the ice in your strawberry lemonade like water. Goosebumps emerge like the lips that kiss you in the bed of the truck, the stars hanging above, dangling like the way he has your heart, making sure to capture the glimmer and dazzling wonder. Short skirts and tanned skin that still show the white as snow tan lines that flirt and peek behind the white tank showing the nautical bikini that not only turns boys heads, their hair that looks like straw from riding a horse all afternoon, yet still smells of fresh water and sunscreen. The red lines turns the skin the same color as the sun beats down on the leathery skin of fresh babes and teenagers that think they know it all. The smell of cookouts that mean that volleyball and fresh cold beer that have dew that runs down the edge like the water that runs down your chin while eating watermelon, spitting out the seeds. Finishing the day laying in white sheets, window open, full moon that lights your legs on top of the sheets, warmth below your body feeling the burn with every movement, yet the top feeling the cool from the breeze gracing the aloe vera. Hair still wet from the late night swim. Summer lives on.

Shooting Star

Like the wind in the willows, the leaves gracing the grass, the sunshine dandelions bursting with affection. The tender touch of an aged woman with her olive green veins as it pats the china glazed skin of her granddaughter, with her red, white laced dress, shiny black shoes with the puffy laced socks to match. The laughter that twirls and capers within the halls. The familiarity of Sunday morning pancakes.

Yet today the comfortless sky fills the bodies of souls with grief as tears slide down the cheeks like molasses syrup. Though clear, it feels dark and sticky, not able to be moved without creating a trace behind. Heading to where dark never see's light, the last time to see the ghost face, life not coming out ever again. Seeing only the end of the shooting star, the luminous streak that came and went before being able to grasp the living, the best part of the sparkling moment.

Reaching out, grabbing tightly for the loose ends. Hanging onto the last moment, like a kodak into the mind. The smile, the way life shown out of his eyes, his worker hands laced with sawdust, the squeaking of his socks down the tiled hallways. The vegetable soup from the Campbell's can as he watches his football team win. And the more treasured moments, the ones that make you feel like the most important thing in the world. The way he combed the blonde hair in the bathroom with a tooth-combed brush, mirrors lining the wall as he said "Monsieur madame" the giggles filling the atmosphere. Fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning from the orange trees as he sat in loafers reading the paper as we ran around in the green grass still wet from the morning dew.

And as the leaves graces the grass, playing amongst the willow tree, I look back, your smile beaming at his wonderful children, knowing how wonderful, happy and great his kids are, and all they will accomplish. And knowing that there will never be a better day because I was able to see the entire shooting star. I will keep that forever.

(Though I have never lost my dad, just trying to write such a blog was difficult and tears came to my eyes. All my love and thoughts to those who have.)

Scrunchies!!

There are always trends. Some are more fashionable then others. Through the years I look back and say, "What the heck was I thinking?"

Scrunchies used to be a big hit. Multi-colored fabric that made your ponytails hand higher off to the side of your tea. I have very thin hair so it looked like a rat tail that stuck up like pippy-longstocking. The skort used to be popular as well as it was a skirt and shorts in one. I could now wear a skirt and not be embarrassed about showing off my flower power underwear. As I started getting older, things such as jelly shoes, yo-yos and see through bags came in as quickly as they left.

MY SCRUNCHIE ICONS :)

I remember in 8th grade, thongs used to be the big deal around the girls and I always said I owned one yet really too embarrassed to say my mother still bought me my underwear. To be in the up crowd and a big girl I told my mother to stay in the car while I went into Walmart with my allowance money. I had looked at my underwear size before going and saw that it said size 10. I went straight to the women size not knowing that a girl and women size 10 is very different from one another. I bought the 7 dollar, 2 pair thong and felt so excited to put them on. When I went home and opened the box I realized they were enormous. Of course I am not going to return them and fess up I don't even know my own size so I improvised. I rolled them. I remember wearing my skort (which was out of style at this point) and you could see the rolled up bunch of a thong that I created. During lunch I told a girl I had a thong on and even showed her by pulling a side of them up. I was finally in the "I wear a thong girl club." I never wore them again... the wedgie hurt more then the pain of not knowing my own size underwear.

Now as I am 24, I looks at freshman year in college where the fish face was popular as you take pictures. Now its the hand on the hip. I look at pictures and I still do fish faces which were SO last year. I have never truly been "in," but I am sure that when styles come back in I will be able to say that I was in style at one point or another.

Dear Josh

Dear Josh-

I have never in my blog history, which isn't long have directly named somebody. Many have known who a blog is about, but I am directing you for more then one reason.

You always wondered why I had pushed people away. Always asking to open up to you. Why I never said what really burdened my heart, kept me up some nights crying, always trying to find the thing that could get me up but managed to always trip. You then said the three words. I have heard them before, every guy I ever dated has said those precious words, but I felt that you truly meant them, as you promised me over and over that no matter what you would always be there for me.

So I spilled. Out of the numerous men I have dated I felt that for the first time I could share my story. I could try and let someone in that I have never been able to. I cried. I sobbed. And my heart felt a bit better, that it would be safe.

Then I messed up. I pushed you away because you were more then I had imagined. You challenged me and I honestly have never had that in a relationship. You said no second chance. Nothing more. I tried and tried. Then somewhere I thought having you as a friend would be better then none. As you said, no matter what you would always be there.

Not knowing who to turn to while my world recently turned upside down I reached out to you. You said only texting. Fine. I did. Last night when finding out my brother sleeps in a car and your parents want "tough love" to be the trick is hard knowing your brother is suffering more battles then one. Anyone that knows me and my heart would know that no one should be in a car with no heat, no food and in the middle of Michigan, especially when they are family. I called you. Mistake I know now, but you ignored me. Then blocked me. The guy who said he was different, a Christian. Let me tell you this:

God gives more chances then one. I trip daily and he is still there. And he won't ignore me, block me, and not be my friend. I stand here wondering what is it that made you into a person I once loved and now baffled by your lack of empathy. Its not up to me. As much as I want to hurt your feelings, belittle you, it won't get me anywhere. You have hurt my feelings and truly are not the man you once were but that gives me no reason to get back at you. I thought it was me, but I know its not. I really just have to be careful with my heart.

"Guard your heart for its the wellspring of life"

-Natalie

Let the Hunger Games begin!

I have been instructed to write. And there are a couple of things that have already made me want to stop. Somehow my spacebar key has something stuck in is so I have to press REALLY hard to create a tiny space. I could write a blog withnospacesandjustthis, but I feel I am nicer and should go through the agony to produce something worth reading. Secondly, I have been addicted to the Hunger Games books. I am currently on the third book and am hooked. My sister a couple days ago showed me the trailer. One of the main characters whom I had pictured in the book to be dashing and so do-worthy, turned out to be a kid that looks like he should squeak while speaking because his balls have yet to drop. He also reminds me of our neighbor in Michigan who is a ginger, and only gives me a reason to hate him when he insists on "playing" drums that echoes annoyance and creates a headache.

The other character though who doesn't play as huge of a role is the most do-worthy guy in the whole world. I am planning to go see him and all of his amazing-ness in this movie. He is plastered on my man wall and I stare at him daily while dressing... I know, pathetic. But if you are looking for a good read, this one is sure to keep you reading.

Ugly guy on the left---- Amazing, let me do you right now, guy on the right :)

Besides this and the daily working my butt off at night, I have no great topic to discuss. I haven't had many douche-bag stories, or something to bash about, so I am putting my nose into books. This weekend is my roommate's bday and I am sure I will have a good story or three to tell. Until next time...

Man Candy.

I have a man wall. If you are clueless on what a man wall contains, it holds pictures of handsome, drool down your shirt, pee your pants in excitement, man candy. I put these pictures in my closet. This closet is a walk in so its pretty decent and I have a part of it dedicated to these handsome fellas. I am sure they don't mind being there as they can see me undressing and dressing. Their eyes don't even blink... I don't blame them. Either way last night while getting dressed I was trying to find similarities in them to find what drew me to put them on the wall of desire. Was it Taylor Lautner's sexy body, Liam's smile, or Channing Tatum's "let's do it" eyes? Then I noticed their eye brows. THEY WERE ALL THE SAME, mostly. I mean I dig a guy with some whiskers and a dashing smile, but bushier eyebrows were the thing I noticed they all had alike.

You know how women always bitch about men staring at boobs rather then their smile? Maybe I was trapped in trying to look at something besides their amazing washboard abs, glistening biceps and.... SO, I resorted to eyebrows? Now that I think of it, is there a ton of ways to style an eyebrow for a man? There are many too ways for a woman: bushy, too thin where you have to curve them in or like the infamous hispanic ladies where they Sharpie them in. Some are curved inwards, outwards, flat and so on.

My mother told me to never pluck mine because I would end up with none. My mother has to pencil her's in, and I never found pain to be something fun especially when I have to stop to wipe my eyes from tearing up from plucking just one hair at a time. So I have never plucked or waxed... why deal with the pain just to have to paint them in when I get older? But men? There is too bushy and the dreadful unibrow. I used to pluck my ex's because he grew one that made him look like an Ewok from Star Wars. Now that I think of it... its disgusting I plucked for him. Justification: maybe seeing him wince in pain was payback and felt good at the time.

So I guess this entire blog was centered on eyebrows. Aren't you lucky? Finding the same similarity on why those dashing, make me want to rip my clothes of in an instant men was all on figuring out its because of their "brows." I don't mind going in my closet and "looking" closer for more similarities.

Wise man builds his house upon a rock

What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach, the goosebumps on your skin, or is it something deeper? I see many people "in love," and I can't help but want to have the same feeling. But how does one know its real love? The kind of love that will stay true through morning breath, the past that comes like a lightning storm hitting different spots at once, and the many pet peeves you didn't think you had but now suddenly do. I think I have fallen in love and out of love faster then  your bread going from toast to toasted. I enjoy the warmth, the beginning of flirting, cute texts, and phone calls, but somewhere between those I quickly fall right back out. Is it the guy, or is it me? My mother told me of a guy who really turned out to be a good guy and her telling me to "settle." Settling. Settling for just okay, good enough, get me through the day. Not reaching for the one that challenges me, makes me want to change the world, and not stop until I do them all.

As a child I went to a Mormon church and there was a song, the wise man built his house upon a rock. It was one of the only nursery rhymes that made sense to me. A foolish man builds his house upon the sand and when the rain comes and floods rise up, the house washes away, but the wise man's house on a rock will stand strong and not wash away. I know this has to do with faith and creating a relationship with God, but I see so many people building relationships on sand. Sand feels good, especially between your toes. Just like men feel good the whispers in the ear, their worker hand that somehow fit perfectly within yours. But when the rain comes, and the floods rise that's when it crumbles and his anger that you set aside now becomes worse, the not listening starts to bother you, and the once "sturdy" relationship is nothing but fighting. Build a relationship on a rock though? It can do wonders.

Unless your create your own rock first, your own solid foundations, sand will always be more appealing and those handsome green eyes will get your every time. But see past the eyes, knowing what you want. When your dreams become the focus you'll find the green eyes will be just that, green eyes, though amazing and beautiful, your own morals and values will still be the main focus and gleam brighter. I am 24 and don't want to settle, and won't. I want the best. I want to make myself the best and do the dreams I have wanted to capture before having a guy capture my heart. It will happen. And once I have that solid foundation and know that he does too... well, bring on the rain baby.

Truth, or Lie.

Lets be real. These mushy wanna be quotes kill me. Only half are true and all girls know it.

1) I want to wear your sweatshirt to bed: LIE. I enjoy my oversized t-shirt and underwear. Sweatshirts that are big eat me alive at night. No thank you
2)Watch scary movies with you. SEMI TRUE. If you are just getting to know a guy, duh. It gives you the reason to be RIGHT next to them and hold him tight at the "scary" parts. If your in a relationship no. (see #6)
3) Talk on the phone until sunrise: LIE. I like sleep... a lot.
4) Sneak out to watch the stars with you: LIE. Stars are romantic but so are your eyes which will be locked to mine and not the stars.
5) Play your favorite video game: LIE. It's not fun after I get killed a ba-jillion time. Ego boost for you, tired of blood on the screen for me.
6) Make you watch chic flicks: TRUTH. Need I say more?
7) Kiss you in the rain: LIE. I get freezing in the rain and want to be dry and warm and watch it from indoors. The Notebook makes it look way more fun.
8) Go on walks with you: TRUTH
9) Laugh until I can't breathe: LIE. When I can't breath I have to use my inhaler. Not sexy.
10) Hold hands: TRUTH. Especially in public, movies, car, you name it.
11) I want to fall hopelessly in love with you: TRUTH

Resolutions, kinda.

The infamous new year's kiss. The new year's resolutions, the wanting to be better and more accomplished then last year. Thankfully I didn't make any this past year, or at least I don't remember. But I have been thinking of my future, where I would like to be within the next year and how the heck I am going to do so. I want to change the world, save all the homeless dogs on the planet, and de-ball the idiots (mostly exes) that need Darwin's theory to hit em hard. I am planning to out do myself this year. I am going to eat more delicious desserts then before, fall in love and not regret it, buy more clothes then I need, celebrate with wine because I have wine, make more crafts, enjoy running, or at least try to, get more manicures, and love myself more and don't let the little things get to me. Why make the year hard to do? Why not enjoy it?

Grow a VAGINA!

Like the infamous Betty White says, "Why do people say, 'Grow some balls!' Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a Vagina! Those things take a pounding."

You may think this is a graphic topic, but I know everyone has seen balls. I remember as a child there was this big black bull on our ranch and he had balls the size of my head. I never dared to ask what they were because right beside the massive swinging pendulum there was this HUGE thing that peed. I knew that it was probably a private part and didn't want to ask my dad afraid of the tender birds and bees' talk at the age of 8. This bull though, walked around like he knew he had the balls the size of king kong. It was hard not to stare at them only because they were right at my eye level.

Not only are balls on ranches, but people now hang balls on the back of truck hitches. I believe its the desire of wanting some, so hanging the "wanna be" size on the back is the next "logical" answer. Some are even gold or shiny silver only accenting the stupidity.

So why do we have to 'have balls' to do something? Why not vagina be the symbol of doing something your scared shitless to do? I mean, have y'all seen how a work of art it is? There are statues of woman and their vaginas'. The man statues are along side but have tinsel on top or cover their package with a pity leaf, which only validates the reasoning of showing their true 'manhood'. The women statues don't need to be covered with leaves because, lets be real, who needs to cover success? If I need to reiterate more, here are a few reasons:

Women birth 8 pound bowling balls from vaginas and somehow they shrink back and still live from the entire process.
Vaginas create life. Yes, men contribute, but over half of their little guys die before getting to the end of the rainbow.
Vaginas don't fall on their knees and create awful baby cries if gotten kicked. I have kicked balls (sorry brother) and have gotten kicked and I don't feel the need to cry out that you killed my birthing rights.

I feel the list could go on, but out of respect for the guys and the fidgety people reading this, I think y'all get the point. Y'all men have talent: fixing the pipes in the bathroom, finding time to fix the car instead of the dishes in the sink, and all the other manly stuff. And for the men that are reading this and feeling a bit of a inferiority complex, listen up... GROW A VAGINA!!!

Calm.

You calm me like the soft fingers hitting the cream ivories. Crescendos tiptoe along my skin, creating goosebumps like a cold wet chicken that has be de-featherd, waiting to roast itself in the oven. As soon as it settles in the burning oven, as you do with your breath, as if the sun soaks into my brain, my toes finally feeling what the snow has hidden. Like ice melting onto the pavement, soaking soft leather boots, droplets dancing up and down. Settling into the corner cafe with coffee tingling my fingers, each sip gliding down, filling the spaces that have been trapped by the bitterness of the last snow storm. You create a feeling that hasn't come since plastic smelling, glitter inducing jelly shoes as I wore everyday to elementary school. I dance in the rain, letting the drops hit my eyelashes, my chilled lips, and my blonde hair that turns brown when moisture hits, as if I am in the shower letting the warm water hit my back, sliding down softly, like silk sheets against shaven legs. You calm me. You make me want to breath the cold air, piercing my lungs forming frost, yet allowing me to see my own breath like a cigarette smoke from a hooker. I need you the way summer goes into winter, the way fall creeps into the trees spinning gold and red amongst the sky.

I dont count my boobs as weight!

 "Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 lbs. I don't think a girl's boobs or brain should every count against them."

I also take off 5 pounds for my jeans, 2 for my shoes, and 3 to 5 depending if and how much I ate. Even with the possible 15 pounds taken off I stand on the scale while my muffin top laughs at the number. I hop off, make sure the scale is truly set at "zero" and then step back on. Thunder thighs decides to join in with muffin top.

Scales lie, even though they say they don't. I can weight 10 pounds lighter then go to the doctor and somehow be ten pound heavier. I am not sure where those ten pounds came from, but trust me, I didn't eat ten pounds of fat just for the heck of it.

Some say don't use the scale as the true test of how much you weigh. Just eat healthy and exercise. I will eat 10 cookies and run, well try to run, for 10 minutes... healthy compromise? I use the scale now when I want to devour cinnamon rolls, 2 bowls of cereal of the best curly fries from Jack in the Box. I step on the scale as it flashes "low battery" aka "you step on me too much and your getting kinda heavy" and I realize thank goodness because those cookies are calling my name!!!

weekends...

My weekends are:

 The caffeine burst when you really need it

The feeling while peeing after holding it in for the longest time

SALES

The relief when I come home and the dogs haven't eaten something I have accidentally left out

A new song on repeat

Getting dolled up to go downtown

Clean warm laundry out of the dryer

Long warm showers

The way my dogs tilt their head while I eat

Freshly painted nails

Laughing with family at dinner