Dear Josh

Dear Josh-

I have never in my blog history, which isn't long have directly named somebody. Many have known who a blog is about, but I am directing you for more then one reason.

You always wondered why I had pushed people away. Always asking to open up to you. Why I never said what really burdened my heart, kept me up some nights crying, always trying to find the thing that could get me up but managed to always trip. You then said the three words. I have heard them before, every guy I ever dated has said those precious words, but I felt that you truly meant them, as you promised me over and over that no matter what you would always be there for me.

So I spilled. Out of the numerous men I have dated I felt that for the first time I could share my story. I could try and let someone in that I have never been able to. I cried. I sobbed. And my heart felt a bit better, that it would be safe.

Then I messed up. I pushed you away because you were more then I had imagined. You challenged me and I honestly have never had that in a relationship. You said no second chance. Nothing more. I tried and tried. Then somewhere I thought having you as a friend would be better then none. As you said, no matter what you would always be there.

Not knowing who to turn to while my world recently turned upside down I reached out to you. You said only texting. Fine. I did. Last night when finding out my brother sleeps in a car and your parents want "tough love" to be the trick is hard knowing your brother is suffering more battles then one. Anyone that knows me and my heart would know that no one should be in a car with no heat, no food and in the middle of Michigan, especially when they are family. I called you. Mistake I know now, but you ignored me. Then blocked me. The guy who said he was different, a Christian. Let me tell you this:

God gives more chances then one. I trip daily and he is still there. And he won't ignore me, block me, and not be my friend. I stand here wondering what is it that made you into a person I once loved and now baffled by your lack of empathy. Its not up to me. As much as I want to hurt your feelings, belittle you, it won't get me anywhere. You have hurt my feelings and truly are not the man you once were but that gives me no reason to get back at you. I thought it was me, but I know its not. I really just have to be careful with my heart.

"Guard your heart for its the wellspring of life"

-Natalie