What my heart Craves...

RAIN:

The smell as it hits the hot ground. The magic as the sky turns grey and expect it any minute to let go and pour. When your in a house with a tin roof, and it sounds like a huge storm and the gift it brings as you snuggle closer to the ones' you love. The way a city, town, everything around you is in a glum state of being and gives you an excuse to do the same and stay in bed a little longer. The puddles it brings and nothing holding you back from being a kid and jumping and splashing in them. How safe and secure I feel when its pouring inside, my dim light on my night-stand and feeling cherished as I watch the raindrops slide down my window. 

FIRE:

The smell of real burning wood. Makes your home cozy, warm, even when its freezing and hellish outside. It gives you a reason to stay on the couch, to turn on some Nat King Cole and drink hot coffee with extra creamer. I put my pillow up near the warmth and when its nice and hot run to my freezing room to sleep. Fire means Christmas to me, which I love. The idea of having a fire, Christmas music and a lighted Christmas tree all together in one room fills my heart with the most pure jubilance and heaven I could ever want. To me it means family, and invitation to get together and sit around the warmth. If that isn't bliss I am not sure what is.

you are SPECIAL!!!

 "You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there." Max Lucado


YOU ARE SPECIAL:


your crazy hairdo in the morning, even down to your morning breath, you are one of a kind. That annoying noise you do, that sounds like a hippo... now I dont have to go to Africa to see one. God made the sun rise for you. And he made it set so you can have a new day. That smile, that is a pretty smile. It makes me want to laugh. Even your laugh. The snorts, the gasps for breath as you have tears running down you face, make me know you are great! Your personality, whether it be a neat freak, ocd, add, or any of the other "d's" out there. Your pretty specialized and that makes you awesome.


You know the days where you feel you are nothing? "Well If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning... Face it, friend. He is crazy about you!" (Max L) And there is a guy or girl out there, or a dog, or even something special that is calling your name and waiting for you to go out there and give them your snorts and morning hair. The sun will shine out of your ass on a cloudy, needing to do your to-do list that's a mile high, and still have to pay the bills, kind of day. You define unique and aren't ordinary.


So please know that even if today is totally a day where you want to quit your job, shop til you drop, eat all the cheetos in the bag and sucker punch anyone that walks your way, know you extraordinary. I wouldn't have written a blog about you if you weren't :)

My Soul wont be Thirsty Anymore

"I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to heaven when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside the city........I'll tell these things to God, and he'll laugh, I think and he'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favorite. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, "well done," and that he liked my story. And my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

I figured death would be my topic for the day. My nails have disappeared from biting them and I still have yet to go to sleep after my overnight shift. Why does God take away the people that matter so much to others? How do mother's lose their sons and still live their life? How does a son lose his mom, or a husband his wife?

I remember the day my Dad cried. I was sitting next to him in the pew, and saw tears run down his face. The first time I realized my dad had emotions and the first day I cried for him, with him. He lost his mother, my grandmother. My dad tried to comfort me while I was crying for him. I was heartbroken that I couldn't bring my grandmother back to him. A man that had stood so sturdy my entire life was crying as if he had fallen as a boy and scraped his knee, and his mom who always came to the rescue wasn't going to be there this time. Selfish me. If only he knew it broke my heart to see someone he loved so much never be able to come back.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Copeland died of cancer. We used to sit around her as she would show us the pricks and dye marks from where the chemo went into her body. She would tell us about cancer and death and how there would be a day where she wasn't going to be there. That day showed up with a sub who passed out Jolly Ranchers. But the day I saw her husband cry,  knowing he would spend lonley nights alone and missing his girl that had put smiles on 24 third-graders and sprinkled confidence on our dreams, will never leave me.

My friend died a year ago. Gave his life. Selfish him. I am mad. Hurt. Yet it made me realize life is so precious and I am more angry at myself for not seeing the signs. The drunk texts saying how his life was in shambles. He would have rather gone off to the sea to ride the cruise of "life" because his excitement for existence was going nowhere on land. Yet I shrugged it off. I miss him. Dearly. His words before he jumped to his death 'I will love yall always" will always create daggers in my heart.

Death. I wish there was a prettier word for it. I wish it didn't cause so much heartbreak, tears and confusion. I wish it gave happiness instead of damage and I hoped it would give company instead of isolation. Today is going to be one of those days, where death is going to be missing the ones that touched so many hearts. Tomorrow I will celebrate their lives and the impact they made on people, but today I am going to heartbroken.

Hide and Seek with Stupidity

Ever play hide-and-seek with your dogs? Call me weird but it is so much fun. The confusion on their faces as they search frantically for you is probably cruel, but is the funniest, cutest, easiest laugh  ever. The quote that sums up the endless love a dog has for you can be noted below:

  Want to knows who loves you more? The dog or your wife? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and come back and see who is happy to see you!!

Lilly wasn't smelling with her nose, but looking with her eyes, and anyone that knows how smart Lilly is really knows something. She follows Lucy around, clueless, just going along for the ride. I whistle when they are out of the room thinking they have lost me forever, as they bound back in the room thinking I am in sight. Out they go again thinking I am in the kitchen. Silly them.

But then Lucy spots me like we haven't seen each other for a week and races up to me, Lilly behind, and cover me in excitement and love. I am so lucky to be in love with two dogs that love me to the end of the world and miss me when I am gone even for a minute.

Swimming.

Can you see me? I am the one that's pink, black eyes, swimming north and have fins. 

Thought so.

What if I tell you about me: Fun, sometimes scared, insecure but beautiful.

Thought so.

I feel like this picture. Swimming along with all the other 'fish' and wanting to stand out. Somehow. How do you stand out when you are just like everyone else. Go to work like everyone else. Pass people on the highway doing the same thing, living life. Is that enough for people?

not me

I am tired of living life in order just to get by. Tired of living pay check to pay check, trying to make ends meet. I know this is a sappy story and everyone has to get their adult underpants on and grow up, but this isn't what I had expected. Aren't you supposed to be freaking jumping for joy when you grow up, move out, make rent and be able to not eat hot dogs and ramen all the dang time? 

I am ready to change the freaking world. I know I am changing lives, even though I may not be able to see it right away. I was able to have kids trust me after their whole existence was abuse/neglect. I had a child say he loves me, and I melted. HUGE. But I want more. If I wasn't so attached to my dogs, and mother, oh and had some money, I would travel. I want to know in my heart that I was made to change lives and places and I want to see it in action. 

So how do I get there? How do I find money, and a way to keep my dogs and mother and still change the world? No freaking clue how, but I will stand out, you WILL be able to tell me apart from the picture above. Maybe I wont be swimming ahead, maybe I may lag, but shit, I will shine and sparkle. Watch me.

So you think you can Dance?

Love the face in the background!!

I look at people who THINK they are good dancers and obviously, they are not. Maybe its the drinks, or the cocky level that is hitting through the roof, but sir please do not thrust and make a face that you really need to take a dump and wink in my direction all at the same time. Those two together do not look well and wont make me want to come and join you.

Even though dancing is just one case I have experienced in college, I have noticed a lot of people THINK they are something and they are not. I am probably sitting in that boat too, but I sit and notice people thinking they know everything, think they know what is best for that person, what color your room should be, even down to the way you should brush your teeth, when really they don't. You know who I am talking about. Everyone has a 'one-upper' in their lives at one time, the einstein that can't be wrong and has an opinion on everything. Its life. But I wonder if they know that. Has someone ever told them?

If I was a horrible dancer and was humiliating myself out there I would HOPE that someone would have the decency to come out and tell me flat out to my face 'Natalie, you can't dance like a slut, so please stop embarrassing us', or something along those lines. Granted if I had a horrible break-up or something of the sorts or too much to drink, then give me some slack, but if it is continual then heaven-almighty someone save me.

I have told some of the know-it alls that they really DON'T know it ALL, and they laugh it off and continue to think they know it all, so its to the point where if someone is happy thinking they know it all, go for it. I wont be able to be around it all the time, but if it works for them and others can stand it then props to them. Maybe that's me, I mean I haven't had anyone say I am a horrible dancer, and I do KNOW that, duh! :)

Timeouts aren't just for little kids...

Did your parents ever put you in timeout as a kid? My family did, even though it was a phase that didn't last long because us kids became defiant and would goof around while in time-out. My dad would say "TIME-OUT, BOTH OF YOU" to my brother and I because we were doing something obnoxious, obviously, and my brother and I would go, or race while getting the last hit or punch in, into a corner. Some timeouts would last a couple minutes, others 15, but I never will look at a wall as long as I did during some of those days in childhood.

Did you ever while in timeout look at a painting and just get mesmerized? Granted you were being punished. With nothing else to do for the entire 15 minutes of  you having to sit in a chair and think about what you did, did you just stare at a picture looking at every tiny detail until your time was up? When I eat cereal, I can look at the box over and over until I am done with it and just keep looking at it, not getting bored. Every morning, same box, same place. Staring at the same cereal box.

When I think about timeouts and such now, I really wish there was a timeout for grown ups. I would put myself there daily, trust me. Not that I am doing anything wrong, but just to stop focusing on everything that is crazy in the world and just focus on one thing. Maybe its the wall, or a painting or heck the back of my eye-lids. Heh heh. Some things I hated doing as a kid, I wish I could do it, even timeouts.

Not knots in my stomach...

Do you even get knots in your stomach? The ones that twist and twist and make you anxious? I am currently experiencing three or so, or maybe its one really big one that decided to grab hold of my entire intestines. Either way the feeling sucks and it doesn't let me sleep, which is even worse, because my job depends on getting enough sleep.

The feeling of not knowing I assume is what it is. I get so worried that I wont sleep that the knot gets huge and I end up not sleeping. If ANYBODY knows a remedy that doesn't include:



  ambien
  benadryl
  herbal pills that stimulates melatonin
  exercise
  hot milk
  or any of the others

PLEASE let me know. I thought one of the main drug-free choice that could help my anxiety was the Bible. I am in Genesis, starting from the beginning, and I am more anxious then before. Did you know Abraham was going to sacrifice AKA KILL his one son that he wanted for so many years? It says that we need to value God and the relationship so much that one would be able to surrender the things you value so much.

I broke down. My mother, is the one I value more then anyone, and anything. I swear that if God asked me to surrender her I wouldn't. My life is nothing without her. My life is also nothing without God, but my mom has been there to verbally share her wisdom with me when I had no one. I haven't heard God yet. I have seen his whispers through a song on the radio or something similar, but I haven't heard him say "I love you" or "you're my prized possession". I haven't gotten any of that in the Bible yet. I have just been reading how many dang kids Jacob has and how easy it is to give a daughter away to a man they barley know. I know faith is huge, but when I keep stumbling over dang boulders, its hard to see the light when I haven't read much that gives me faith to know that me, or women are precious diamonds to God.

Everyone around struggles I know. I dont know many people like Abraham that would give up their child. I want to have that relationship with God where I know he loves me no matter what and know that he is going to bless me in all ways possible. I am sure there will be a couple of downfalls where I cry and see his light. Hopefully in Exodus I will see a light or something, because right now the last thing I want is God, and the first thing I want is my mom.

You ARE Special...

Twirling in my tutu, used to be my signature move. Playing Barbies and dress up used to be my passion. Boys had cooties, and girls were princess'. I grew up wanting to be a vet and save all the animals in the world. I was un-stoppable and didn't let ideas get in the way of my dreams, especially love. 

But somehow along the way, those eyes, that smile, and the cologne on boys that I never smelled until I hit high-school, hit me faster then the butterflies that floated to my stomach. I was in love. With boys.  I had pretended to marry a prince while I dressed up in my bride dress when I was 6, but having hundreds of boys that could possibly be "it" in my small messed up highschool, was more then what I bargained for. 

My dad used to say I was 'obsessed' with a guy and couldn't see things straight. Probably true. But man while I was in love, sherbet ice cream was the color of the sunsets that I got to experience with him, fireworks were a nightly thing, and my heart definetly dropped at least once a day when he smiled at me. I captured his heart, as he did mine. It was young love, but man, it was the best love I have ever had.

There was nothing in text books, church groups, or even friends that would have helped me learn the most hardest thing about love... heartbreak. Nobody said that my heart would literally hurt, that I would feel the most insignificant I had ever felt, and the desire to cut off the man-hood of the boy that took my heart. 

I never realized though that what probably hurt the most, was losing my self in the process of losing the one person that you thought was the one you were going to grow old with. Loving someone doesn't mean to stop loving yourself. So many times, I see myself, and others, giving up what they used to treasure so much because love was so powerful. 

Its now finding the love that keep my special-ness alive. I have met some great guys that help me see how dang awesome I am (not that I already dont know) :). I just have to keep dreaming, telling myself that I am special, because as a quote says, "some girls were just born with glitter in their veins".

Coffee... No Sugar

Summing up on what the pastor said at church : 

I am the type of person who wants to know if the girl I am going on a date with is going to be my wife. I am weird and want to know. So the one way I find out if she is the one or not is I take her to starbucks. I give the lady behind the cash register my order: Latte, skim milk, no whip, double cup. I like to have all the checks marked on the cup so I feel significant. Then I step aside and let Jess (his wife) order. She ordered water. The next time we went she ordered hot chocolate, then hot chocolate with coffee. Next time, coffee with 17 sugar packets, and then coffee with one splenda packet. When she asked me to go to starbucks and asked me to get her a venti black coffee I praised the heavens. But then I realized that she hadn't had coffee on her radar at all. But she loved me and she knew that I loved coffee.  When you love someone you are interested in, you want to be interested in what they are too. So I started getting interested and caring about what she was interested in. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, which I had thought was just a hotel, and cared about what she was interested in, even craft night. (He later went on tying this into the sermon of mission work).

Even though this was based on something else, this exactly the kind of relationship I need to be having with God. Working on a relationship with a guy isn't going to work if I dont have a relationship with God. Its been about me the entire time. I turn to the Bible when I need help. I pray when I need a solution to a problem. I have never even thought about what God needs. He needs me to talk to him, to follow his word. I need to put God on my radar and go more towards him instead of following my own "compass".

Maybe this is why my relationships haven't worked and they wont until I put my focus on God who truly loves my every fault, which to him, he designed for a purpose. So the question is how do I? How do I stop making excuses on why I can't or wont, and lean on him? Why dont I learn about him like he knows me inside out and fall in love with him? How do I chose to give up my life when I am not positive that he is there? I know I have so much to learn. I look forward to the day where I am content with being alone on earth but knowing I have God right by my side and I am totally okay with that.

How to kill a Goldfish, or a plant in my case.

They say you know you ready to take care of a dog, or baby when you can successfully take care of a plant or a goldfish. I have killed both of my first trials within a week or two. 

I had gone to some carnival as a child, probably for school, and was bound to win a goldfish. You know the ones that look pathetic in the plastic bags, wanting to be shook around like the crazy child in Finding Nemo? I assume I spent every ticket trying to win that fish. And I did. I was the proudest that I had my first pet. I put it in a bowl that we went out and bought, and put it on the ledge in the kitchen. My mother told me the importance of feeding it every day but not too much. I dont think I had it a week until I saw it floating in the water. I dont remember if I cried, I probably bawled, but I do remember flushing it down the toilet. It spun a couple of times around the bowl and went off to fish heaven, which I didn't know was the sewer at the time.

Just a month ago I purchased a plant. I had heard having a plant in your house is not only good for your health but it looks pretty snazzy too. I went to home depot, found a pretty one with a huge white flower. The sales lady told me it was easy to take care of. HAH! She said it was, um, durable? I forget the word, but she said it was a stable plant and wouldn't be that much of a hassle. It looked dang good the first couple of days. The leaves started to change a brown color and I didn't want to lose a plant after two days. I have 3 animals and I have managed to keep them alive, but can't keep a plant alive for more then 3 days? Pathetic. 

Thankfully I have hopefully passed that step because I have kept my animals alive for awhile now and they haven't browned or suddenly laying on their backs like a fish. 

Opportunities...

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?” —Evan Almighty

Impossible to Fix

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.

They say dont let the past define who you are. Bullshit. True french right out of my mouth 'connerie'. Dont let the past ruin you, I would say, defeat it. Let your past make you shine and help you get where you want to be.


If I hadn't been a messed up child with a messed up family, I wouldn't have the passion or drive to help messed up kids. If I hadn't of made blueberry muffins with my grandmother, I would have never learned how sweet they can be. If I didn't break up with my first love, I could be married to him, or could still wonder what if for the rest of my married life. The way the past happens, shapes us. It makes us who we are, who we hate, who we want to be and not be. 


People dont change. I have been stubborn from day one and even as a child have found ways to push people's buttons. Sending me to boarding school, wilderness and even being kicked out of my house has not fixed me. Of course I can control it and dont need to be a total porcupine and stab people with my pricks, but I will be able to push my future husband's buttons and he wont feel the need to replace me, or send me to an institution.


Bet you have heard how you can change the guy you are in the relationship with because you love them and they will eventually find the light. Nope. They are they way they are because he possibly had parents that were nut-bags and he is following in their footsteps, or had a great experience being single and doesn't want to commit. Either way a past experience, a past story, has made him the way he was, and trying to fix them or "love" them (another way to "fix" someone) is not going to change his past and his story.


I am fine being broken. I have been broken and have glued myself with crazy glue.  Hold me up to that light, and I will prove to you, how well Natalie shines, and there is no need to fix it.

Whole Enchilada

This is a picture of my Uncle Arnie. You know the family members that aren't truly blood members but have been around for ever since you were born so that is enough to classify them as family?! That would be him. He has been around since I was one day old. I see him every summer and he always likes to take me skiing and having me around as I did growing up as a child. 

He has a type of cancer that I am not sure what it is called, oh wait, pancreatic cancer. You can see it really hit him but he doesn't show it. His wife has Parkinson's disease and its now taking over. My first reaction would be sadness but when they joke about "who is racing to death first" and still making jokes about  "he would rather have Alzheimer's  because at least you dont know your losing your mind" it puts a new perspective. 

They way Uncle Arnie and Aunt Shirley interact is exactly what I look for for my future. He is so caring about her emotions and well-being. Helping her into the car, the compliments he gives her, and the love you see burning through him, makes my heart warm. They are a team and I haven't seen teams like them in this generation. Its easier to ditch then to truly work through a difficult time. When they said for better or worse, they truly meant it.

Married for 55 years, they share their stories to us at the lunch table. They both laugh at the times and Aunt Shirley adds onto the things Arnie missed. They both walk so slow, but still with each other. As he inches his way, as she shakes her hand due to the illness, they look so unimpaired, simple. 

I am not going to settle, I am going to find the prince that even when I have to wear a diaper because I can't control my bladder he wont mind. When I say stupid things and don't make sense that he knows exactly what I mean. Where he holds my heart as his prized possession and wants to nourish it and help me grow into God's great daughter, I will know that I am okay with growing old and even though I may be broken I am still the whole enchilada to him. 

Vacation from heartache.

My brother told me he had been sitting on a park bench for two hours because to put it shortly, he got ditched by his friends. I am not sure what hurts more, that he was sitting there for 2 hours because his friends were douches, or that he didn't call me to pick him up earlier.

I am not sure his thought process, never have, but I care about him so much and hurt for him. I know he gets bummed, and I know he is struggling, but he always shrugs it off. I can see he hurts and there is nothing I can do about it to help him. I feel this is how it is with most of my family right now. There is so much hurt and nothing I can do to take it away.

People say that just being there is enough, but when you see your brother trip over and over it makes you feel like you have scraped knees too. I can't imagine the emotions that come along with being a parent, but I know I will have a hard time watching my kids fall and knowing that it is part of life. How do I help, like truly help them feel better? Giving my brother money when he is broke doesn't work, listening to my mother vent doesn't solve the problem, spending time with my dad doesn't fix our relationship, and so on and so on.

Some say God is the one that fixes all. I have been having such a hard time when I see my family fall apart in front of my eyes. I am mad that I haven't gotten a break, a happy month or even week. I fall constantly and when I see my family fall in front of me, it makes me more angry. But I know things are meant to be, because he does everything for a reason, but I am hurt because I dont want my reason to be struggling for year after year. I am ready for a break, a vacation from heartache.

alive and sparkling

My grandma asked me last night if I wanted a piece of jewelry now or after she dies. I was kind of thrown off because one doesn't really like thinking of death. She told me she didn't have much precious jewelry but  had a little. Tonight she showed me what I would get, and it was a gorgeous opal. I am still not sure how I feel on whether I want it now or before she dies but I thought I would look an opal gemstone.

It is reported in their legends that the creator came down to Earth on a rainbow, in order to bring the message of peace to all the humans. And at the very spot, where his foot touched the ground, the stones became alive and started sparkling in all the colours of the rainbow. That was the birth of the Opals.

 My birthstone is opal too which is kind of a cool coincidence. The hard part is whether to take it now, or to wait. Death is a huge part to even think about and its sad that she is thinking of giving her things away now. I want her here for more years and taking the jewelry now is almost saying, okay grandma, you can die. I dont know.

Grams

I came home tonight, to find my grandma on the couch, which is unusual as she is the busiest 80 year old out there. Did you know she biked from California to Florida, when she was 75? Yep. I know pretty lucky. So as you would assume, I wasn't expecting her to be home on a Friday night.

We spent the time watching the sunset. And talking about my crazy family. I haven't had someone listen to me rant and vent. I told her about my blog and she kept wanting me to read more and more entries. It made me feel so grand that someone wanted to listen to the things that have been written from my heart. I wouldn't want to listen to someone read a ton of entries from the journal or blog, but she did, and that meant a lot to me.

I sit here upstairs listening to the beach, the waves. I am so blessed to have what I have, to be able to experience and be able to come up here. My heart hurts though. Hurts for my family that is so desperately falling apart. I haven't found that person that has been able to understand everything, but my grandma has been the ONLY person that was so interested in what I was feeling. I never saw her as someone that would sit there and listen to me vent, but she did, and it meant the world to me and made me realize that I have so much pain and hurt that no one has truly wanted to hear.

But this is a picture of my amazing spunky grandma. She is so awesome and I strive to live an exciting life like her. If I could have just a small portion of her that lives on in me, I would be the proudest granddaughter alive.

No does not mean Maybe

Do you know what the word NO means?

It doesn't mean maybe or keep asking until you get a different answer, it means NO I will not do what you are wanting me to do so please, shut the .... well, you get the picture.

I sit at the nail shop and I get asked if I want a super-de-dooper nail enhancer that will save my nails from the harsh sun, or if I want my eyebrows waxed (is that a sign that I do need them waxed?), or something else that I have to ask them to repeat what they just said because I can't speak chinese. 

Or your significant other. No I am not feeling it tonight babe. (kisses you) Babe, really I am tired. (tries to make gross moaning sounds in your ear) stop it. (keeps doing it) COME ON, did you NOT get the NO which was the first word that came out of my mouth???? 

I understand saying no may be hard for some. I have a hard time saying no to cookie dough, or pizza, or a sale in any store. I can understand where people have confusion and usually give in. But in all seriousness, if the person you are with can't accept your boundaries and your NO, then in my opinion, that should be a big sign for you, NO, NO, NO! 

But my breadsticks just asked if they wanted to be eaten and well, and I still haven't been able to say NO to them...not quite yet. 

Vacation

Vacation.
What does vacation mean to you?
I thought vacation meant total bliss, total relaxation away from the stress of work, boys, and all the other bologna.
not.
Right when I get into my destination, they say there was only some baggage (6 to be exact) that made it onto the plane. Mine hadn't come out yet, but mine was one of the 6 and since I didn't see it freaked out. Found it. Made it home and found out that my dog is so stressed she ran away, pissed herself and wouldn't eat or drink. Cool. Anyone that knows how much my dog means to me understands my dogs come before everything and anyone. Then family drama comes pouring in. Father and I get in a disagreement, brother's doing ANYTHING for some spare change, and mother can't handle any of it. Lovely how I step right in the pile of dog poop.

But I am on vacation, where everything should look like this:

and not like this

Day 5 of 14 days. How am I going to stay sane when all I miss is Lilly, and want to run away from my parents? So I took myself out of the cat situation above and did the following:

Stuck up for myself. Ding Ding :)

Moved all my crap to my grandma's where I know get to listen to the beach and feel the breeze.

Got delicious, too many calories to think about, breadsticks that are to die for and ate most of them (saving the rest for later)

And internet that is fast, and a blog that I can complain to and no one says anything back... right away.

So even though I will stress about my dog after I finish and find some more dog poop on my other shoe, I am going to go finish those other breadsticks and watch the amazing view out my window. vacation anyone?!?

List of what White people Like

Took ten minutes to get my internet up and running, or at least to this point, and still haven't figured out what to write. I could write about a stupid boy, or something of the sort, but what fun is that for the reader to write about something they have heard over and over again.

I decided to browse good ol Google for ideas on what to write. I typed in 'Fun things to write for a blog' and what popped up? Full List of Stuff White People Like. And mind you this was on the top of the list of the search. Of course I clicked on it. I went to the full list of what us white folk like trying to figure out what kind of person would make a list. Could he be white? Asian? Black? You decipher for yourself.

-Obama (all types of races like him, not me though)
-Having Gay Friends/Black Friends
-Ugly Sweater Parties
-Being Offended
-Standing Still at Concerts
-Being an expert at YOUR culture
-Coffee
-Having 2 last names

That was just a few from the list of 134. So who do you think made this? Go here and figure out yourself, it reminds me of Clue.

Technology

Wow, you know how much I take internet for granted. Not necessarily internet but FAST internet. The internet that doesn't take as slow as a slug walking. I would take internet right now that would be a slug running but Michigan doesn't have that kind of service so I am stuck.

Remember the ghetto phones that were huge? The ones that were bigger then our house phones now? Yeah me too. Even though I was too young to have them they were the coolest things. I didn't get a phone until I was 16, I think, maybe 17. I know, I know, kids now have them when they are 5 and I got mine when I was 16?! Rebel child right here. Now kids carry them around and I see little girls being bigger divas then the women on The View. I hear them say
   OH my god I know (giggle giggle)
   I will ask my mom if we can have a sleep-over.

BLAH BLAH. I remember having the house phone, where if someone wanted to talk there was only one phone in the entire house. My parents raised me well, so if someone called I would say "hello this is Natalie" so they knew what kid I was I guess. How about when a boy called? You would be on the phone flirting away and giggling and then your mother would get on:
   Natalie dinner is ready
   me:  MOM!!!!!! OKAY, I am on the PHONEEE.
   Who is it? (my mom in her wondering cutesie tone of voice) Hello?

Then the poor boy who was probably talking about stuff that he wouldn't say to my mom in front of her face and is wondering if she had been ease-dropping on the conversation says
   Its so-and-so Ms. Carleton.

And my mother would butt in on MY conversation, with MY boy crush and ask embarrassing questions.

I really think a teenager who was annoyed with ease-dropping invented the cell phone. Thank the heavens for them. It is truly amazing at how technology has come. I imagine when I have kids they will have invented something that makes me lose more and more connection with the kiddos.

Secrets to Survive.

I hate what I am doing to me. Lilly runs under the bed and wont come near me. Lucy stares confused. I hate myself for it, but do it for the finish line, or what I think is.

Yes I feel sometimes secrets are needed to survive. Makes you know that not everybody "knows" what you have been through or thinks they understand. If they dont know this secret then they wont be able to. 

"sometimes its better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is yourself"

Few, or more, of my favorite things...

The feel of clean sheets and clean body mixed together.

The smell of rain in Arizona (its sweet smell is amazing).

Full tank of gas minus the amount it took to fill up.

When a child that has had no true love for most of his life tells you 'I love you'.

Lilacs.

Funny pictures of random things that make you laugh, even if its by yourself.

Water when you are super thirsty.

Peeing after you've had to go and been holding it in for a very long time.

Mom.

When your face is clear for more then a couple of days.

When you have money in your bank account and can spend some of it.

Christmas lights, music, and anything to do with Christmastime.

Bubble baths.

The way goose-bumps form when you stand in the sun after being indoors.

Feeling pretty, even if its just for a minute.

Born to Change...

You were born because you are going to be important to someone.

Whether or not it be tomorrow, or months away, somebody is going to be affected by your amazing-ness, your wonderful-ness. Someone's life is going to be changed in a great way because you are simply YOU. I am sure of this for me and for you :))

How to Fail at Dieting

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

How many people have started a diet and then within an hour have failed miserably and back at the delicious tempting food? Me. And probably you.

I see this:

And then I see this:

And the answer is clear from there. Unless there is something mentally wrong with you, or if your a vegetarian, or just ate the picture above and now your stuffed and can't even look at it, then I will let you slide. But come on to all the other freaks. Doesn't this look simply mouth-watering? I just ate and could still find some room in my stomach for a piece... or two. 

Dieting. Oh lordy. Where to even begin? I know a majority of ladies out there want to have a better looking body. I know I do, but why would God create people that invented delicious food be put on this earth for us not to enjoy their creations? 

I attempted to eat healthy trust me. I heard that tofu was full of protein and that when you mix it with something it absorbs all of the flavor and you can't even taste the tofu. I also saw that if you want to have healthy oil for cooking use coconut oil instead of olive oil.  So I was convinced. I went to the store to get ingredients to make tofu smoothies and get coconut oil for cooking. I bought 30 dollars worth of healthiness only to realize tofu tastes like an inside of a pumpkin and that coconut oil gets hotter then normal oil and tastes gross burnt. 

So exercise is important to so I heard. I haven't run in 4 days. I got motivation and have done well, for a couple of weeks. My dog, Lucy, is fat and lazy (cough, wonder where she got that from) and has now hated to run with me. When she runs with me, she lags behind and looks pathetic and gives those puppy eyes. Getting ready to run I start walking down the steps to the trails outside and she already knows what's coming. She gives me the "hell naw" look and sits her nice fat booty on the top step and doesn't budge. She has now become my best excuse not to run. 

So I found a fact that I guess I am gonna have to resort to because I love pizza too much and my dog is too fat to run:

:)

This is how the story begins..

This is how the story begins...

I look at the picture above and try to think of what those letters contain. Are the love letters? letters to a daughter or son? or maybe letters that one wanted to send to a lover that they never could get themselves to do.

Letters are still better then a phone call, email or facebook. When you get a letter in the mail its like a little present. Someone thought of you enough to go out and buy a card or sit down to write you a note. Someone thought of just YOU, no one else. 

These days I look in my mailbox and find the boring typed bills that are wanting money or an incentive to give a company money, but when you see a handwritten envelope with your name on it, you do a little dance, at least I do. It makes you feel special and kept in view of someone. Its an unexpected goodie. 

I need to send more letters, let the people that I think of know that they are special to me and that they deserve to be able to do a dance and not always hate going to the mailbox for more bills. 

How not to act Old..

I was trying to find something to write about. I was looking on Google and you know how on the side where all the ads are there are these weird crazy pictures trying to sell you something? Well there was something that said along the lines of 'How not to act old'. I got to thinking.

FASHION:
My dad was taking my sister and I out to dinner. As we were standing waiting for him to get ready, he was putting sandals on, with you know what.... SOCKS. Of course if it hadn't been for the fashionista's that my sister and I were, he would of walked right out of the house sporting that look. I would also mention the fact that he can't match navy and black, but I even know that can sometimes be challenging.

My mother, oh my mother.  I love her to pieces, but some of the things that woman wears, only someone with that kind of confidence can pull it off. My sister had gone to goodwill and HUNTED for an ugly sweater for a Christmas party. She found one that wasn't hideous but she knew she could make it look more repulsive and make it the talk of the party. Well she bought buttons, ribbon and made it into something pretty ugly. She walked down the stairs, and what do you know, my mother LOVED the sweater and said she would like to have it after my sister was done if she wasn't planning on keeping it. gag. She has though improved and I will say has been dressing awesome.

So word to the wise, do not wear ugly sweaters and socks with sandals.

ELECTRONICS:

This would be a great thing on not how to act old. Get with it. My dad finally transferred his ghetto flip phone, where you had to press the '2' twice for it to enter the number, for a phone that is more fancier then mine, way to go. He likes to flash it in front of me, tell it commands, and tell me all of the cool things. My mom even got a newer phone, yet she butt dials me constantly. My grandma didn't know how to answer voicemail on her phone so her mailbox was full for awhile until we taught her over a course of a couple of years that pressing '1' will let you hear messages. I am so proud.

Texting is important to not act old. Its so important because nobody talks anymore, we, just as my dad says "tic-a-ti-taking" all the time. My dad would send "ko" all the time when we would tell him where we were. I asked him what 'ko' meant and he said he meant to say ok but if he accidently pushed send it would still be k, which he has learned in the process of not being old, still means okay.

I know I only addressed a miniscule part of not acting old, but I am sure there are many more blogs in the future we can discuss. Hopefully someone told this poor kid, socks are still not cool with sandals :))

Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

You are:
SUPER
SMART
CREATIVE
INTELLIGENT
ORDERLY
LOVES DOGS, which makes you automatically the best!


Thank you dad for supporting me through:
college
after college
now

Thank you for putting up with:
my desire to stay in bed til noon
my whining
need to want everything my way
the numerous animals I have kept and given and brought home
did I say whining?


Any man can be a father.  It takes someone special to be a dad.  ~Author Unknown

Stronger

"There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. in fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most" 

miss you

So last night I had crazy dreams, the one's where you wake up and think what the heck, I must be psycho!! People may argue I am psycho, but these dreams were just overboard. But one actually woke me up and made me sit up in bed and seriously catch my breath. Derek. I keep dreaming about him, or certain parts of him.

I find myself still to this day, going to his facebook, looking through his pictures, videos, comments, just soaking it all in again. His life, or what it was portrayed in on facebook.  I am not sure why I still do it as memories will be more then what a photo will ever give. I just dont want to lose him, and I feel that I am.  What I could give just to hear him laugh or see him turn his lip as he smiles.  I can't imagine what he was thinking but he hasn't left me, and its almost been a year.

Tears are streaming down and I feel idiotic almost, that he and I weren't super close yet he has so much effect over me. Way to go Derek, a boy that has full control over my emotions and he isn't even around. :) Its amazing what one life can do to change so many people.

"Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things" - Leo F.

Picking Apples with a cottage cheese butt!

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain -A.H

Oh goodness, look at the way my love handles just cling to my side, my butt looks like cottage cheese, my boobs are like ant bites, my hips are like my mother's, and so on and so on. Yes, I probably have quoted each one of these but dang girls, we were blessed yet here we are complaining about everything that was given to us.

Yes, my butt is huge, but just look Kim Kardashian she is proving that big asses are a big asset literally. My dearest friend complains she is fat and needs to lose a couple inches. UM hello?! she is at least 60 pounds less then me, which then in turn makes me feel like an elephant. QUIT IT. No one especially who is bigger then you wants to hear how "fat" you are when you know people around you are more fat. I have heard that it is just for people to hear 'no you aren't, your so skinny'. Its people's self-esteem that is low so they will say things to hear the opposite. I know I have done this multiple times and have probably still do in some aspects.

Its a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped. Have you seen at Hollister how they have bathing suits with padding for little girls? Where has innocence gone to, my dad still cringes when either my sister or I (now more my sister since I am out of the house) wears something that is too low cut or too short, and she is 16, not 9. She bought "stripper" heels and my parents were on a mission to saw a couple inches off. I would bring a short skirt to school and change so I knew the boys would be looking. How sad I wanted to be noticed more for my hottness then ME. I dont know how to stop it since the boys' will always be boys. Even grown men like to see boobs and all the fake-something-or-other. I worked at a strip club (not doing the poles) but as a waitress and there were old men that probably couldn't get it up, and were drooling so much I had to go by and offer more napkins to slop it up. So until everyone changes especially those men haha, we are all gonna be comparing ourselves to the magazine or even the girl next to us. But I am gonna look dam good, with huge hips, huge butt, and love handles that have enough loving for you and me, while picking apples off a tree. BAM!

I can't sleep but I will take my chances...

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
 
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?


So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name


Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart. "


I want to be close to him, I want to feel his face, I want to know that if I have no one I have him, I am stubborn, selfish and insecure, and wont let myself let him do the work. How does one let go and let God? I am ready for that so I can have everlasting love, so I know that love is real and lasts forever. I see him everyday, asking me, whispering to me, 'come closer to me' and yet I am determined to live my life my way thinking I have gotten through my past by myself so why not continue? Yet I continue to fall, stumble over little rocks that I could easily walk over if he was holding my hand. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, because I am ready for you to hold my heart <3

Keeping True to YOU

Have you ever just had a shitty couple days where you swear that if you had enough money you would hop on the first plane to somewhere and never return, or until the people/situation left or decided to leave you alone? Yep, that was so me this weekend. If this weekend, one of my only free weekends I have had in months, had to be horrible, the weekend gods had to chose this one.

I am not really going into details because not only would that make me stoop down to their level, but what's the point of really living each day that sucked over and over? I will admit I let those kind of things get me down over and over, but I am just trying to let it slide and move the (excuse my language) fuck over it. I have been told, pick the things out of the advice that were told to you that will help you grow, and let the rest slide away. I re-read "advice" that was truly bitchy and mean to me and tried to get over the mean side and see if what was said true, any part of it. Yes some was true. I ditched a lot in high-school because I had a boyfriend that I wasn't allowed to see, so if I had the time I saw him. I shouldn't have ditched friends over a boy, but I did, and that was the past, and I have really grown and do put my friends before guys now. Knowing that it did hurt her feelings that she felt I didn't put enough time into her, made me realize that her needs weren't being met. Mine weren't either though, and even though you do need to meet other's needs, yours should be more important. Ending the 'friendship' was her need, and even though it may have been childish in my view, it was her need that she needed to meet, and I need to be okay with that.

I have found that no matter how much it hurts other people, you will hurt yourself more if you dont satisfy your need of happiness. I have seen it effect more people then I would like to tell. In boarding school and much of highschool I tried to please everyone. In boarding school this girl basically told me she hated me because I was so much of a goody-two-shoes and pleased everyone. Of course the pleaser in me started bawling and finally realized I took other people's happiness over mine. It took a good while, and I am finding now that I have lost a lot of people because I tried to meet every whim and need, but I have gained many friends and true one's that respect and challenge me. I am not saying that I shouldn't be respectful and flexible and say "no bitch I ain't doing it because I dont want to" but if its something that is really swaying me not to do, that I shouldn't feel bad for saying "sorry I dont think so". So hopefully my next weekend off, I wont feel the need to fly off to anywhere. But if I do get a free ticket I wont be giving it up :))

good egg

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -Meltzer

Bailing

My body has been fighting sleep all day. I am awake, at 1 am, and can't sleep. Maybe because I am supposed to be in bed with my boyfriend, or at the wedding, or downtown, all that I should have gone to, yet here I am wide awake writing to you.

Bailing, Change of Plans, or any other form of not doing something when you said you would is what I have done. I honestly have the best intentions, and when I do go I have the best of time, but I often regret that I didn't do something. Take tonight, I was invited downtown, granted the past few pictures albums on facebook that pop up are something I am glad I didn't partake in or was around, but still could have made it fun. I could have gone to the wedding if I had found someone to watch my dogs, yet I found the easier route and deep down needed time for me and was feeling stressed. Then I say I will go to the boyfriends and didn't do that.

I could make up excuses that everyone who ever bails says. I dont know if I am pushing myself to hard to meet every expectations or I am just really fucked up, which I think is the latter. I am reading a book and in it it says that a person will do better if they can. I am not going to let this excuse from a book be the reason behind it, but I feel people do certain things because they just dont know how to do better. I dont even know where I am going with this. I dont understand why I do the things I do, and I wish I could find the root cause so I can fix it. I dont like what I did tonight, bailed on 3 things that could have all been fun. But now I feel like shit and the day hasn't even started. sigh.

be careful

You know it takes a long time for a girl to fall in love with a guy, like really fall for him, like Love and Care, and once you break her heart, she crumbles down, then the next guy she dates, she’s gonna be more carfeul, she’s gonna more jealous, she’s gonna be more insecure, cause she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Taking Time for YOU!

Hello there blog! My oh my it has been awhile. I find that I enjoy tumblr so much more then you (no offense) because I can post as much shit as I want and people enjoy it, whereas if I bitch about how I feel, one might not read as much. So its a toss up. But I thought I would grace my presence since I know you have missed me.

I am waiting for my ambien to settle in. Worked last night. I feel like I do my job quite well yet sometimes I feel like I dont. I have a person saying well so and so, and deep down you know they are a total bitch and no one even likes them, but it still sinks in that maybe you need to fix something. Especially when you try and fix something and make it better and then realize that the problem you were trying to fix comes back.

ANWAY, enough of my moaning and complaining. I am not sure what to write about today. I miss a certain someone that smells and he might hate me saying this but homemade applesauce haha. He has this air freshner all over his house that is apple and cinnamon and so of course it smells like applesauce to me. And I love it. It makes me want to get chunky applesauce and put it in the microwave like my grandma does while making summer dinners. mMm. Its a comforting smell that I just can't get enough of.

He is really sweet, and comes over all the time, even when he has work. I am such a you-know-what for never going over there. I wish I didn't like sleep so much. Its so hard working with draining kids all night and then knowing you have to do it all over again. If I dont sleep, I dont function, and its hard for me to sleep with someone right next to me (because I never have gotten used to it with anyone, let alone my dogs). I was rushed to get out because, sleep is so important, and I told a kid I would play JENGA before I left, so I rushed in there saying okay lets play and he said

Natalie I dont like to rush while playing a game, can you calm down and take 3 deep breaths with me and play? Just calm down old granny

WHOA, from a nine year old? So I sat there dumbfounded as I took three deep breaths. I realized that I am so in go mode that I dont take the time to really enjoy my time, especially with a kid that needs just that, my time.

So boyfriend, I am going to make time for you, even if I am busy and rushing. You deserve that and I hope you know that. xoxo

Christmas.... in JUNE!

I have been following a blog, that has many wonderful quotes, and wonderful pictures. I have often reblogged them through my tumblr and find myself spending hours soaking up my time in the wonder. Well I got myself all the way to Christmas and she had awesome pictures of Christmas, lights, snow, trees, and quotes about snowflakes. As anybody would know, Christmas time is my most favorite time of the year. You bet your bottom I go all out on Christmas, and can't wait until Thanksgiving is over to start spreading the Christmas cheer. I decorate top to bottom, even buy scents to fill my house. I love it so much I plan to have some type of lights in my house all year round. Not the ones that are huge multi-colored that have dust on them and are up all year round because someone was too lazy to get them down (I see a lot of this in Michigan), but I want to get the pretty white lights and hang them outside on my veranda. Just the white pristine lights get me every time.

I want to get a dog like this so I can take pictures. I want to have a house covered in snow, where in the day time the tree is lit and you can smell the pine, and at night being able to see your house twinkle and makes you feel warm and happy to be indoors. I want to wear bright colored mittens and enjoy my hot coffee more then I do in the heat in Texas. I want to have a fire burning where the smell makes you want to grab a soft blanket and cuddle on the couch and listen to some Nat King Cole and Andy Williams. Snow angels and seeing my dogs bound in the snow getting snowflakes on their dark noses. Where a warm shower makes your toes burn because you were so cold playing out in the snow building forts and making snowmen. Where the smell of sugar cookies and laughter surround the air. Knowing that even though santa may just be my dad and his cracking of his toes as he puts together a bike or something from IKEA but still wanting to 'catch' Santa and being able to feel like a kid. 

I long for Christmas, every day. I get excited like a kid and I want it to come soon, but hate when it leaves. So even though my roommate hates listening to Christmas music unless its December, I think I am going to bring a little spirit out and get giddy thinking that its only months away :)) dont laugh, I know you want it too!

BRING IT

I dont know how long ago it was since I was in a relationship, not that long ago, but I am in one now. Do I see a marriage or all of that no, but I am enjoying NOW, and who cares how fast people think I am taking things. All that matters is that I am living my life to the fullest. I am going to live happy, whether that is dating many guys or being a cat woman. My heart is the best thing god gave me, to love and to give, so why not do all. I am lucky I get to experience so many things, if that is experiencing men so be it, but more so on the line of experiencing life. I am so ready to go out there and change the world. BRING IT :)

this little guy knows how to try and experience life 

loves you

“If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.” -Malla