Bailing

My body has been fighting sleep all day. I am awake, at 1 am, and can't sleep. Maybe because I am supposed to be in bed with my boyfriend, or at the wedding, or downtown, all that I should have gone to, yet here I am wide awake writing to you.

Bailing, Change of Plans, or any other form of not doing something when you said you would is what I have done. I honestly have the best intentions, and when I do go I have the best of time, but I often regret that I didn't do something. Take tonight, I was invited downtown, granted the past few pictures albums on facebook that pop up are something I am glad I didn't partake in or was around, but still could have made it fun. I could have gone to the wedding if I had found someone to watch my dogs, yet I found the easier route and deep down needed time for me and was feeling stressed. Then I say I will go to the boyfriends and didn't do that.

I could make up excuses that everyone who ever bails says. I dont know if I am pushing myself to hard to meet every expectations or I am just really fucked up, which I think is the latter. I am reading a book and in it it says that a person will do better if they can. I am not going to let this excuse from a book be the reason behind it, but I feel people do certain things because they just dont know how to do better. I dont even know where I am going with this. I dont understand why I do the things I do, and I wish I could find the root cause so I can fix it. I dont like what I did tonight, bailed on 3 things that could have all been fun. But now I feel like shit and the day hasn't even started. sigh.