Wedgie

I was having a difficult time deciding what I wanted to write about. I could easily complain about work, being sick, or a, b, and all the above, but decided against it. Not many like to read sob stories over and over. But randomly wedgies popped in my mind. Everyone, at least girls I feel has experienced a wedgie. I feel there are a bunch of types, but they all have one thing in common. They feel awful. It’s almost like the booger that you feel every time you breathe but can’t seem to get it out. You breath a bit harder out of your nose, hoping it shoots out. Doesn’t work. Then you breath in hoping it will go back in. You just want to do something so it stops tickling and annoying the crap out of you. Some will just pick it right there, but others will do the breathing treatment to try and rid the problem. That’s how wedgies are. You try to do everything NOT to pick it. Do a shuffle like you have to pee, or a waltz like you just pooped in your pants. All look probably odd, but you want to do something to have the feeling go away without publicly humiliating yourself.

The wedgie that goes up every time you step is annoying. You know how the commercials say there is wedgie free underwear? LIES. I have tried it. The rim of the underwear has almost silicone feel so it “sticks” to your butt. BUT if it starts going up into wedgie mode, its hopeless and you might as well jump ship because the silicone sticks better in wedge mode and is harder to unsuspiciously de-wedge. So what about thongs? No mom, not the sandal, the piece of “dental-floss, disgusting-waste-of-moral” as my dad would call it that somehow gives you a wedgie the entire time you wear it. I stopped wearing them after my brother put one on the hinge on the back of my truck and unaware I went to school with that thing for a solid week. Embarrassing. I also stopped when my father threw them all out because he didn’t want filth mixed in with the rest of the laundry. I then started hiding them and doing my own load of laundry. That’s beside the point though. Why would you want to wear them? Some men say they are attractive, but my butt is so big there is nothing attractive then exposing all of it. I can’t pick the wedgie if it is meant to be hammered up your crack 24/7. And trust me, getting a wedgie from another person hurts like hell if you’re wearing a thong. I don’t do it, but if yall want go at it.

So how do I get rid of them? I pick em. Granted if I have a friend I will announce it, and ask if she will stand behind me while I pick it. This is a girl cardinal rule. Ask her. If I am by myself and there is no cute hunk around I pick it. And I am being honest here, and I imagine some are saying ewww. But I am not going to walk around being uncomfortable. Besides if I pick it in Wal-Mart its not like that’s the worst Wal-Mart has seen.