Life is Short...

I thought about writing something that really frustrated me. I kept writing, kept erasing. I was so frustrated. When I looked back at the writing I couldn’t find a justification to belittling someone that just didn’t deserve it. Yes I was mad. Not truly at the person. This person tried and tried to win my heart. A ton of flowers, always coming over to my place, never going there, and so on. He even watched one tree hill with me. But I pushed him away. Not because of exactly who he was, but because I am enjoying being single, doing me, and not worrying about someone else’s emotion. I told him to leave, broke up with him and was dead right honest I wouldn’t give him anymore then what I was doing now. Which was enough for me but not enough for him. And he finally said he was moving on. What I wanted right? Yes, but still being “left” still is like a little smack. 

I was told in boarding school by a wonderful roommate who on the first night, read through me like I was a ghost. She said that I enjoy having boys and people in general near me. Its almost comforting, enough where they are near but not enough so they are close. SO TRUE. I enjoy the small gift of crushing, and cute texts that make me feel good. I think everyone does. The feeling of being wanted and noticed. Probably why I have 3 animals. The feeling of being loved is so dang powerful.

Its like when a person is walking out the door, you just want to help them out a little, whether it be a mean saying or slamming the door behind them. Having the final say, says that you are in control, right? I wish. I have a hard time listening to the wise words of my mother who says “If they can do better they will”. A person is who they are, and I need to be okay that a person is who they are. If they want to do better they will. If I want to lose 30 more pounds I will. But until I find that will inside of me, no one not even Madonna, will make me want to do better unless I truly want to. And that’s okay. If someone chooses to walk out that door, let them. Its not because they are a bad person. They are them. And I have such a hard time letting go of the control. Letting the power go. Next time I wont say “Life is short and so is your penis” (ß- see I want control still), but next time, I will try and take a breath, a deep BIG breath and say, let it go nat, let is go.