Stupid.

I often take walks with my dogs on most nights. For awhile there has been some rain in texas, which is crazy and there is a stream that when it rains brings a little river thing. I often walk through the water and notice life swimming among it. Little tadpoles and fish where the water is deeper. As the Texas heat gets hotter the rain goes away and the little creek dries up. I also figured and imagined the fish going with the water to wherever it may go, until tonight.

I thought there was a little pond of water left, something shimmery caught my eye, and being the adventurer I am went over to see it. There was a small little water standing and all the fish had gathered there. There little gills were gasping for breath. There were about 70 of them all huddled next to each other literally soaking up the last water around.

My first instinct was to pick them all up and put them in my bathtub. Save them. I felt a deep sense of hopeless-ness for them, wanting to save them from their misery. As I went more near to give in to my curiosity the flies picked up and flew around me as I had startled them from the dying stench.

I am not sure what came into me but I left and for a minute I thought, "stupid fish." And then of course my mind thought, this would be the perfect blog. A perfect place to put what lesson I could learn from these fish. And of course I could come up with numerous. "Keep swimming", "Don't be stuck", "This is what your life looks like now."

I just kept thinking, Stupid.

And that's my life lesson, as much as I wanted to save them, for right now I am thinking. Stupid.

Beating of a drum...

My second day, said read Romans 8:1-17. and describe the war: the characteristics of those who follow the Spirit of God versus those who live according to their flesh.

I always see people writing verses somewhere, on their Facebook status, a tattoo, or some random place. Just the Luke 3:4 or Palms 34. So I am going to write below Romans 8:1-17 so you know what I read.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully meant in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace,, the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

You however, are not controlled by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of your righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

Therefore brothers, we have an obligation, but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you wil die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship, And by him we cry Abba, Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. No if we are children. then we are heir, heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Holy crap, and all of that meant what? I sit here trying to separate all of the Spirit stuff and to tell you the truth it is overwhelming. But I get what it meant that there are two wars. The stuff led by the spirit and the stuff led by the flesh.

I find myself giving into my daily flesh desires every day. Giving myself to guys when my spirit self is urging me to come back. Like tug a rope, my fleshly desires give in and when I am done for the night, literally used up, I come back asking why my Spirit desires didn't pull harder.

I read in the study guide it says we each have two drums, one beating rapidly and selfishly and the other drum "beats with God's heart. The new drum can overcome the old one, but the old drum must die first."

And that is basically where I am looking at God, or telling him, I sure as hell like the way my drum beats. I know the rhythm that makes me happy and I know the dents and the curves to the base. Why would I want to give up my freedom to hit my own drum? Why would I go into the unknown and risk everything for you drum? True my life here aint a bowl of honey and flowers but I am so stubborn that being stuck seems easier then going to be somewhere where I don't know.

stuck. There is the word that this whole entire book is about. Am I truly ready to be unstuck? Because I know being stuck has had baggage and if I don't have baggage who am I really?

Stuck and Broken

I am starting this study thing with my missional community but haven't been able to attend the last two times. Instead of doing it in the book I am doing it on here. Keeping myself honest, and also to keep the book clear of writing since if this book is amazing I will want to pass it along. So here we go.

"It begins with admitting we need Him. We're broken.  So we begin here in the most vulnerable but freeing spot...

we are broken."

It then asks to write three places that you feel most stuck...

1). I feel stuck not knowing the future and trying to figure all of it out in one day.
2) I feel stuck in relationships and slipping into relationships that don't have God as #1.
3) I feel stuck in having the fear that I will never have the strong relationship with God that I so desire.

As I am falling asleep, I realize that I have more then just 3 things where I feel I am stuck. These were just the first 3 I felt were on my heart this evening.

come lay next to me
sneak in
hold me tight
and don't let me go.