Truth, or Lie.

Lets be real. These mushy wanna be quotes kill me. Only half are true and all girls know it.

1) I want to wear your sweatshirt to bed: LIE. I enjoy my oversized t-shirt and underwear. Sweatshirts that are big eat me alive at night. No thank you
2)Watch scary movies with you. SEMI TRUE. If you are just getting to know a guy, duh. It gives you the reason to be RIGHT next to them and hold him tight at the "scary" parts. If your in a relationship no. (see #6)
3) Talk on the phone until sunrise: LIE. I like sleep... a lot.
4) Sneak out to watch the stars with you: LIE. Stars are romantic but so are your eyes which will be locked to mine and not the stars.
5) Play your favorite video game: LIE. It's not fun after I get killed a ba-jillion time. Ego boost for you, tired of blood on the screen for me.
6) Make you watch chic flicks: TRUTH. Need I say more?
7) Kiss you in the rain: LIE. I get freezing in the rain and want to be dry and warm and watch it from indoors. The Notebook makes it look way more fun.
8) Go on walks with you: TRUTH
9) Laugh until I can't breathe: LIE. When I can't breath I have to use my inhaler. Not sexy.
10) Hold hands: TRUTH. Especially in public, movies, car, you name it.
11) I want to fall hopelessly in love with you: TRUTH

Resolutions, kinda.

The infamous new year's kiss. The new year's resolutions, the wanting to be better and more accomplished then last year. Thankfully I didn't make any this past year, or at least I don't remember. But I have been thinking of my future, where I would like to be within the next year and how the heck I am going to do so. I want to change the world, save all the homeless dogs on the planet, and de-ball the idiots (mostly exes) that need Darwin's theory to hit em hard. I am planning to out do myself this year. I am going to eat more delicious desserts then before, fall in love and not regret it, buy more clothes then I need, celebrate with wine because I have wine, make more crafts, enjoy running, or at least try to, get more manicures, and love myself more and don't let the little things get to me. Why make the year hard to do? Why not enjoy it?

Grow a VAGINA!

Like the infamous Betty White says, "Why do people say, 'Grow some balls!' Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a Vagina! Those things take a pounding."

You may think this is a graphic topic, but I know everyone has seen balls. I remember as a child there was this big black bull on our ranch and he had balls the size of my head. I never dared to ask what they were because right beside the massive swinging pendulum there was this HUGE thing that peed. I knew that it was probably a private part and didn't want to ask my dad afraid of the tender birds and bees' talk at the age of 8. This bull though, walked around like he knew he had the balls the size of king kong. It was hard not to stare at them only because they were right at my eye level.

Not only are balls on ranches, but people now hang balls on the back of truck hitches. I believe its the desire of wanting some, so hanging the "wanna be" size on the back is the next "logical" answer. Some are even gold or shiny silver only accenting the stupidity.

So why do we have to 'have balls' to do something? Why not vagina be the symbol of doing something your scared shitless to do? I mean, have y'all seen how a work of art it is? There are statues of woman and their vaginas'. The man statues are along side but have tinsel on top or cover their package with a pity leaf, which only validates the reasoning of showing their true 'manhood'. The women statues don't need to be covered with leaves because, lets be real, who needs to cover success? If I need to reiterate more, here are a few reasons:

Women birth 8 pound bowling balls from vaginas and somehow they shrink back and still live from the entire process.
Vaginas create life. Yes, men contribute, but over half of their little guys die before getting to the end of the rainbow.
Vaginas don't fall on their knees and create awful baby cries if gotten kicked. I have kicked balls (sorry brother) and have gotten kicked and I don't feel the need to cry out that you killed my birthing rights.

I feel the list could go on, but out of respect for the guys and the fidgety people reading this, I think y'all get the point. Y'all men have talent: fixing the pipes in the bathroom, finding time to fix the car instead of the dishes in the sink, and all the other manly stuff. And for the men that are reading this and feeling a bit of a inferiority complex, listen up... GROW A VAGINA!!!

Calm.

You calm me like the soft fingers hitting the cream ivories. Crescendos tiptoe along my skin, creating goosebumps like a cold wet chicken that has be de-featherd, waiting to roast itself in the oven. As soon as it settles in the burning oven, as you do with your breath, as if the sun soaks into my brain, my toes finally feeling what the snow has hidden. Like ice melting onto the pavement, soaking soft leather boots, droplets dancing up and down. Settling into the corner cafe with coffee tingling my fingers, each sip gliding down, filling the spaces that have been trapped by the bitterness of the last snow storm. You create a feeling that hasn't come since plastic smelling, glitter inducing jelly shoes as I wore everyday to elementary school. I dance in the rain, letting the drops hit my eyelashes, my chilled lips, and my blonde hair that turns brown when moisture hits, as if I am in the shower letting the warm water hit my back, sliding down softly, like silk sheets against shaven legs. You calm me. You make me want to breath the cold air, piercing my lungs forming frost, yet allowing me to see my own breath like a cigarette smoke from a hooker. I need you the way summer goes into winter, the way fall creeps into the trees spinning gold and red amongst the sky.

I dont count my boobs as weight!

 "Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 lbs. I don't think a girl's boobs or brain should every count against them."

I also take off 5 pounds for my jeans, 2 for my shoes, and 3 to 5 depending if and how much I ate. Even with the possible 15 pounds taken off I stand on the scale while my muffin top laughs at the number. I hop off, make sure the scale is truly set at "zero" and then step back on. Thunder thighs decides to join in with muffin top.

Scales lie, even though they say they don't. I can weight 10 pounds lighter then go to the doctor and somehow be ten pound heavier. I am not sure where those ten pounds came from, but trust me, I didn't eat ten pounds of fat just for the heck of it.

Some say don't use the scale as the true test of how much you weigh. Just eat healthy and exercise. I will eat 10 cookies and run, well try to run, for 10 minutes... healthy compromise? I use the scale now when I want to devour cinnamon rolls, 2 bowls of cereal of the best curly fries from Jack in the Box. I step on the scale as it flashes "low battery" aka "you step on me too much and your getting kinda heavy" and I realize thank goodness because those cookies are calling my name!!!

weekends...

My weekends are:

 The caffeine burst when you really need it

The feeling while peeing after holding it in for the longest time

SALES

The relief when I come home and the dogs haven't eaten something I have accidentally left out

A new song on repeat

Getting dolled up to go downtown

Clean warm laundry out of the dryer

Long warm showers

The way my dogs tilt their head while I eat

Freshly painted nails

Laughing with family at dinner

Waves

You capture my heart. Like the waves that catch the sun and the beach all in one. Creating the sound of grace that only waves can do. You amaze me. I can't wait to go out and swim. -Natalie

yeah I love you.

A lot of people go searching. Searching for treasures, for themselves, for something to make them feel alive. I have searched for all of them and have realized sometimes searching leaves you feeling more lost then if you just stay. I search for somethings and and more then once I have been disappointed, crushed, and left with empty spaces.

The one thing I have continually search for is happiness. I know true happiness makes life complete and think sometimes we want to have it right away. We want the instantaneous gratification, like Alice in Wonderland, where you drink a potion and get the results right away. I try to find happiness in men, the clothes on the sale racks, and all the other materialistic things. As fast as they come, it leaves. I keep trying, grasping, searching to fill the empty space rather then letting be.

Then tonight I heard the lyrics from Tenth Avenue North:

"Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?"

So many times I hear this song and I search for other things then the one that wants me all the time, and JUST the way I am, right now. Stubborn me. Until I search for God and be okay with giving him my all, I will continue  to search for things that don't fit.

"'Cos I 'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you"

I will not be able to love me to the fullest until I love him. And how long my stubbornness will last, I don't know. I am not sure what the breaking point will be. I know he's gonna keep whispering, tug lightly and may even kick hard but he says he will keep doing this

"Cause I, I love you, I want you to know.
That I, yeah I love you, I'll never let you go" 

Man worth shaving my legs for

"Somewhere there is a man worth shaving my legs for"

Going to be real here. The only reason a girl shaves is if she wants to get more then just a free meal. If a guy asks you what you are doing and asks you to come over, you hurriedly say yes, take a razor to your dry legs, shave, then rub some good smelling lotion on after. You put on your sexiest bra, and make sure your bags under you eyes are concealed so he won't know its from staying up watching the Hallmark channel by yourself... and your dogs. I understand there are the times where you think nothing is going to happen and  your going to "watch" a movie but he is really wanting to feel you up and heading to rub your manly legs. This has happened to me. And I am just being real here. I didn't shave my legs for awhile. A month probably. I had no reason to shave. My dogs certainly didn't care, hence the licking of their butts in front of me. Hygiene wasn't important to them, so why should my hairy legs concern them?

So I didn't shave my legs and here I am about to "watch a movie." He goes in for the kill. He is about to rub my legs and I had to think fast. I do a flirtatious laugh as I move them away while simultaneously saying something ridiculously stupid, "Oh my goodness your curtains are so cute!" His mom probably put them up, but it gets him to sway his attention away from my cave woman legs. Then I do what so many girls do. Either 1) Text your roommate that she needs to call you and tell you to come home immediately or 2) turn your volume off on your phone and pretend you received a call and talk to yourself for awhile and say a lot of "uh huh," "ok," and so forth and say you'll be home soon. The guy probably knows but tries one more time. You keep your legs as FAR from his reach as possible. You look like one of the stepsisters from Cinderella with your butt in the air giving him one last tease of a kiss, because you know how to keep the boys coming. You walk out the door, hairy legs and all, and not only feeling confident that you didn't give into a guy, but you now don't have to shave for another month.

Diving into death of cotton balls

I do NOT do cotton balls or anything that feels like it. Put me around a cotton ball and I go mentally deranged. I look like a giraffe trying to go under a 7' bridge. I lean my head in all different angles and try to resist the synthetic like material. My face looks like my fingers after a 40 minute bath and my eyeballs start looking like I am staring directly into the sun. The noise that comes out of my mouth sounds like the combination of a chimpanzee mating and somebody taking a shit. It's just not a pretty sight and unless you want some entertainment, then I suggest you don't get me around it. How did I get like this? I didn't just pick up a cotton ball one day and decide this normal everyday object wasn't for me, I had to have a near death experience with this dreadful thing to be afraid of it.

I was in gymnastics as a child before my brother got us kicked you. I loved doing cartwheels and showing my dad everything I learned on our trampoline when I got home. Butt-drops were my specialty as it required no talent or balance. At the end of the gymnastic session which was a long tiring hour, we were able to do free time and jump into the "pit." This pit looked like a swimming pool, yet instead of water, it contained blocks that felt exactly like cotton balls. Everyone loved doing this at the end. They would jump as high as they could and torpedo into the pit off "fun."

My first time doing it I was so excited because at home we had a swimming pool and I loved diving into the water, so I figured this would be the same type of experience. Boy was I wrong. When I jumped into the blocks of styrofoam I literally became a spastic blonde trying to contain everything inside of me not to look like a total fool. Everything inside of my started to counteract and I just wanted to escape. Instead of just letting go of a cotton-ball that I had control of, I was surrounded by millions of them, laughing at my freak episode. It felt as horrible as a person running nails on a chalkboard. I had to "swim" out of it as my toes were curling and my eyes danced around in my head. I looked like a child frantically swimming in a kiddy pool. Once I reached the edge and climbed out, I decided from that day forth I would never jump in and rick my life like that or my dignity.


My mother asked me the days that followed why I didn't want to jump in the pit. I never told her. They say face your fears, but I will never jump into pothole of doom. Every time I have to repaint my toes I cringe and even looking at cotton balls I shudder. Thank goodness for pedicures.

Leaving on a jet plane

Come away with me on a jet plane that somehow takes us to the middle of nowhere, where daisies grow in a field like the ocean, where the waves crash together. Hold me til the end, when the world collides like the stars that hang overhead. The glistening that surrounds us like the chandelier that hangs above the family dinner, where people laugh and turkey fills our stomachs. Like hummingbirds that fill my pathless affection that never stop as you continue to look at mine and tell me you love me. The everlasting love that tail-wagger's give you, the way the rain fills the sky, dark blue and grey that hangs low, like the old woman's breasts as she ages. The hand's that intertwine like string into cat's cradle, that feels just right, like lilacs that fill my nose, or the way you run your fingers through your hair as I tuck mine behind my ears. The way horses run through the meadow, you dash through my veins, lighting the fire as the s'mores stick to my tongue, the sweetness overload to my brain. Take me down to the coast where my feet are as free as a butterfly that floats around with the wind, gracefully stopping, drinking the beauty of each rainbow colored flower. Smooth as the cold arctic water that runs over my blood colored toes, making it look like a man's bald head, an ice skating rink as the sun shines down on it creating a slippery slope. As far as I am concerned you are the one for me, the way magnetic letters cling to the fridge, the way a person plays the piano, the black and white keys creating a melody that creates goosebumps that heighten as the climax comes and goes. Just like they come, they depart as the wind takes the fall leaves, the pine needles from the christmas tree that cascade onto the wooden floor, and the way a child says I love you that carries your breath away. Leaving on a big jet plane heading for destiny, come with me and capture existence.

Dear Future One and Only,

Dear Future One and Only,

As you may find out very early, patience is not one of my best qualities. Though I try, and fail more then once, you're the one thing that I believe and know that patience will be worth it. So many times I wrote in my diary about the "one." Though it was never you I was writing about in the pages of tears and butterflies, I found traits and quirks that have helped me realize that I am going to be totally in love with a person like you.

My mother said that I would have to go through a lot of heartbreaks to get to my prince, and boy was she right. There was a time period where Switchfoot was on repeat for weeks, and Taylor Swift knew exactly what I was going through. I look forward to where all the songs that songs of love and romance will be exactly where I am at, with you by my side. Driving in the car belting out the lyrics of having my heart on fire, and having a joy in my gut all the time because you make me feel like Christmas morning everyday.

I look forward to days laying on the couch with the fire roaring, dogs nestled up on either side and Nat King Cole in the background as we chat about future dreams and places we want to go. I am excited to have your toothbrush next to mine, your shampoo bottle in the shower, and your shirt on the bed that still smells like you. Grocery trips, date nights, and all the in-betweens. I am anxiously ready for you to know what my fears are before I even say anything, yet you continuously challenging me to face them and to jump just a bit higher for my dreams. I want to do the same for you, like a working team, pushing each other to be what they pictured themselves as a little child... a superstar.

As I go through life, waiting for you to come, I am searching for you, weeding through the men, hoping you will stick onto me somehow like honey or dog hair. Its hard to sit and just be content where I am right now. Everyone around me is finding their "one" and as I noted above, I can get impatient. But I won't settle. I won't, especially since you are out there. I will keep dancing on that dance floor, not sitting on the sidelines waiting, because I love to discover all the wonderful things of life, and I like to take everything to the limit. God told me as a little girl that I can dance with him as long as I want, and when a man comes along that loves God more then he loves me, and has to seek him before he seeks me, that God will be okay with letting his princess dance with a man that will have my heart's best interest. My heart is fragile, passionate, and changes' lives, and knowing that you will carry it close to yours makes me feel assured that forever is going to be heaven.

So until you come and sweep me off my feet, I will remember that you are out there, waiting for me as I am waiting for you, and though my patience will wavier at times, knowing that you are not giving up or settling, I can go dance for a few more songs until you cut in.

Love,
your future one and only.